- 8 years ago
- Wedding: December 2013
@midwestbee I don’t know if this is still a situation for you, but I recently got engaged and went through the EXACT same thing. I hald told my boyfriend what I wanted (white gold/platinum, emerald-cut aquamarine center stone), knew he had my best friends’ & sister’s contact info if he needed help, and had even shown him photos from time to time. I thought that he would be VERY well-prepared.
He is a man. He does not care about jewelry. He was not paying attention at all.
He proposed in a very lovely way with a ring that was just beautiful…and also just wrong. All he remembered was that I wanted “some weird stone that was maybe blue,” so I ended up with a trillion-cut tanzanite center stone set in white gold. The fact that he got the metal color right was, I think, just a fluke. He hadn’t bothered to ask anyone close to me for assistance or even had the ring sized properly (I wear a 4.5 and this thing was at least a 7–it was almost too big for my thumb!).
So, while the ring was lovely, it was SO not “me.” It felt all wrong on my finger. I didn’t look at it and think “Oh my gosh, I’m engaged!” To put it bluntly: it needed to be exchanged.
Side note: For those of you who belong to the “you should just shut up and be grateful he even bought you a ring” school of thought, I have this to say: I am appreciative. It was not about that. But a man who does not put the requisite amount of thought and research into what will probably be the only piece of jewelry his future wife will wear each and every day for the rest of her life should be neither surprised nor hurt if it doesn’t fit the bill.
I, too, was actully offended that he hadn’t even gone a tiny bit out of his way to figure out what would be just right. I just kept thinking: did he not consider this important enough to try to cover all his bases before making a purchase?
I kept my mouth shut for about a week, until he mentioned taking it in to get it resized. I very kindly and gently told him that while I thought the ring was gorgeous and that I would love to wear it as regular jewelry (all true)–it just didn’t suit me. I explained that I had really had my heart set on aquamarine because of its meaning and history.
His feelings were a little hurt, but overall he was understanding. He had never shopped for an engagement ring before and had just been a little overwhelmed and lost. He agreed to see if he could return the ring so we could start the search over together. (In the meantime, I wore the claddagh ring he had given me for Christmas the year before on my left ring finger.)
It was not a comfortable or fun chat to have with someone I love so dearly, but I owed it to him to be honest. The ring was NOT going to grow on me. Having dreamed about an aquamarine for the better part of a decade, a tanzanite was just never going to cut it. However, in order to keep the element of surprise, we picked out 2 rings we BOTH loved and I left it up to him to make the final choice.
End result: I was honest with my future husband (and isn’t that SO important?). I got a ring that I absolutely adore, and my fiance still got to choose it and surprise me. And he loves how many compliments I get on it!
Ladies, we are not living in 1850. If you really don’t like your ring, use your words. Your fiance may not like hearing it at first, but if he really loves you he will probably appreciate your honesty and be more than willing to find a solution that makes you both happy.