(Closed) How do you tell your FI you’d like a different ring?

posted 10 years ago in Rings
  • poll: (How) do you tell your fiance you'd like a different ring?

    You don't. You should be grateful to get a ring at all. DON'T speak, and forever hold your peace.

    Tell him you're thinking about it, but don't show him the ring until he seems OK with it.

    Be upfront. His ring is lovely, but not your style. Give him an opportunity to pay for part of it.

    Be upfront. His ring is lovely, but not your style. You've found another, and you can buy it.

  • Post # 62
    3 posts
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @midwestbee I don’t know if this is still a situation for you, but I recently got engaged and went through the EXACT same thing. I hald told my boyfriend what I wanted (white gold/platinum, emerald-cut aquamarine center stone), knew he had my best friends’ & sister’s contact info if he needed help, and had even shown him photos from time to time. I thought that he would be VERY well-prepared.

    He is a man. He does not care about jewelry. He was not paying attention at all.

    He proposed in a very lovely way with a ring that was just beautiful…and also just wrong. All he remembered was that I wanted “some weird stone that was maybe blue,” so I ended up with a trillion-cut tanzanite center stone set in white gold. The fact that he got the metal color right was, I think, just a fluke. He hadn’t bothered to ask anyone close to me for assistance or even had the ring sized properly (I wear a 4.5 and this thing was at least a 7–it was almost too big for my thumb!).

    So, while the ring was lovely, it was SO not “me.” It felt all wrong on my finger. I didn’t look at it and think “Oh my gosh, I’m engaged!” To put it bluntly: it needed to be exchanged.

    Side note: For those of you who belong to the “you should just shut up and be grateful he even bought you a ring” school of thought, I have this to say: I am appreciative. It was not about that. But a man who does not put the requisite amount of thought and research into what will probably be the only piece of jewelry his future wife will wear each and every day for the rest of her life should be neither surprised nor hurt if it doesn’t fit the bill.

    I, too, was actully offended that he hadn’t even gone a tiny bit out of his way to figure out what would be just right. I just kept thinking: did he not consider this important enough to try to cover all his bases before making a purchase? 

    I kept my mouth shut for about a week, until he mentioned taking it in to get it resized. I very kindly and gently told him that while I thought the ring was gorgeous and that I would love to wear it as regular jewelry (all true)–it just didn’t suit me. I explained that I had really had my heart set on aquamarine because of its meaning and history.

    His feelings were a little hurt, but overall he was understanding. He had never shopped for an engagement ring before and had just been a little overwhelmed and lost. He agreed to see if he could return the ring so we could start the search over together. (In the meantime, I wore the claddagh ring he had given me for Christmas the year before on my left ring finger.)

    It was not a comfortable or fun chat to have with someone I love so dearly, but I owed it to him to be honest. The ring was NOT going to grow on me. Having dreamed about an aquamarine for the better part of a decade, a tanzanite was just never going to cut it. However, in order to keep the element of surprise, we picked out 2 rings we BOTH loved and I left it up to him to make the final choice.

    End result: I was honest with my future husband (and isn’t that SO important?). I got a ring that I absolutely adore, and my fiance still got to choose it and surprise me. And he loves how many compliments I get on it!

    Ladies, we are not living in 1850. If you really don’t like your ring, use your words. Your fiance may not like hearing it at first, but if he really loves you he will probably appreciate your honesty and be more than willing to find a solution that makes you both happy. 

    Post # 62
    1 posts
    • Wedding: December 2012

    View original reply
    missmidwestbee:  I know you feel he didn’t put much effort into it and feel hurt? Have you told him how you felt? Did he even know your size. I think I understand your feelings. I feel I need I need to say that this person wanted to buy you something and give you gift. I’m sure they just wanted to make you happy. I think you ask them for their feelings about buying it for you and discuss it soon. My husband didn’t ask me my size or know when he proposed. He just wanted to marry me. I lost that ring. He had some idea that I liked red stones but went a different direction. I still have to tell him that the color, band width, and shape were not something I’d choose. I differently wouldn’t choose this ring but it’s o.k. I also want to ask what he was thinking. I’m sure though that his intentions were out of love and wanted to get me something nice and surprise me. I need to tell him my feeling too. You should not suffer. I hope you feel better and that this helps. I felt really bad for you when I heard how hurt you were feeling. Let me know if you read this and what happened and how you are.

    Post # 63
    33 posts

    I feel like you’re less upset about the cost or design of the ring itself, and more upset that he seems to have put less thought into buying it than he would have into buying a TV, or a pair of shoes. I would be really hurt and disappointed too. 

    I am kind of feeling this issue is bigger than a ring. If he had spent time researching, considering your wants and tastes, and then stuffed it up and got the wrong ring, I think you would still love it because when you look at it, you see the thought and effort he devoted. But now, everytime you look at it, all you see is a ring that isn’t your colour or style and doesn’t even fit, a symbol of how blase he was about the whole thing.

    I don’t know how to help you, I voted to tell him, but I feel like he might be offended. I just want to say I don’t think you’re materialistic or ungrateful at all. You’re just hurt because if you were buying him a several thousand dollar “forever” gift, you would sure as hell put more thought into it.

    Post # 64
    3814 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    Guys, this question is 5 years old!

    Post # 65
    348 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2017 - Combermere Abbey

    I just do not understand why men don’t let women have more say in their engagement ring. I get that they want to surprise you but for me it’s not the ring that gives the surprise element – it’s the when and how they ask you to marry them. I would not let my SO unilaterally decide what tattoo he wants me to have on my body. In the same way, I have to look at this ring and LIKE it as it’s going to be a part of my body until I’m in my old age – I would expect to be involved in the process of choosing it. 


    My SO basically realised it was more important that I have the ring that I love than any ego boost he may get from choosing it himself. At first I thought it was weird because I never thought I would be so involved in the process, but then I see too many women on WB being shattered because they feel stuck with a ring they don’t like.


    if you SO is mature enough, he will get over this. Just be honest if it’s something you truly don’t think you’ll grow to love. Honestly if you can’t even talk to him about this and feel the need to ask the bee then it’ll only get harder. 


    Post # 66
    4 posts

    Im in a very similar situation myself. Hoping my advice at the end helps others.

    My Fiance proposed just a few nights ago. I adore him, but the entire ring is Moissanite, very big (center stone 13mmx8mm pear cut) (=3 carot wt) center stone and has a halo and infinity band with pave diamons all over.

    It’s a bit gaudy for my taste. He did to well with the fact that I wanted a Pear or Trillion cut center stone. So I know he tried. It’s extremely beautiful (for someone else with a bigger hand or bigger guts) but my big problems are 1st, I want a white sapphire. His birthday is September and that would be his birthstone on my wedding finger. Also, I can’t stand the brilliance and rainbow colors that shine back into my eyes from the Moisy. So to me, it instantly looks fake and like costume jewelry. 

    I am a more sentimential, unique jewelry wearer than flashy or bright. I wear my Great Grandmothers garnet from Poland. My Grandmothers solitare black star sapphire ring from a trip she and my grandfather made to the Orient in the 60’s and a tigers eye ring I had custom made for me.

    When I brought it up to my fiance, I chose my words wisely and gave  an example that would help him put himself in my shoes.

    I shared how recently for his birthday, he had wanted a new fishing pole or pool sticks and case….”remember babe, I went trying to find you the perfect gift but there were so many options and I truly didnt know where to begin. DIfferent type of cork, different fiberglass, different length options not to mention weight and design of fish it’s supposed to catch. I had the same struggle with professional pool sticks too…?  Well I think there were too many options and I know you tried very hard, the design is beautiful and you did very well to get me the pear cut I had hoped for, but baby I can see this ring raising problems for me because it has so many “diamonds” and is raised that I will barely be able to wear it without it getting nicked, dirty or caught on something.”

    (fyi we have 6 pets, I babysit and dog walk for money and garden or cook in my free time daily and we are expecting a baby this spring)

    I asked him if he would be hurt if we did this together, I shared how we are a great team and have had success doing projects like decorating the house, cooking, even the adventures we go on – better as a team. I asked if we could work with the jeweler and see if he could adjust the basket to be flush and put a smaller, white sapphire stone in where the moisy is.

    This way I am keeping the ring he proposed to me in (along with the pave infinity band) but also getting some of what I want. COMPROMISE!

    Yes I would have loved a vintage ring with a backstory or a solitare Pear or Trillion….but this is a combo of both of our styles.

    He agreed. He said I love you and of course I just couldnt wait anymore. I was going to bring you with me but then I know you love suprises. He was a little hurt but more excited that I want to KEEP HIM INVOLVED, USE HIS STYLE AND MINE, USE HIS BIRTHSTONE and still wear what he proposed to me with.

    Post # 67
    1636 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: City, State

    if the recipient doesn’t LOVE a gift i give them, i don’t have a real right to say “well, tough. i picked and i like it, so YOU MUST WEAR IT”.  it’s not a collar, it’s a piece of jewelry.  

    you love him more than all other men…. shouldn’t you have a ring you love more than all other jewelry?   that way, it’s perfect, perfect for you and makes you smile all the time…. that’s a good symbol of a relationship.   


    Post # 68
    44 posts

    I’m actually really curious how this story ended. Did you ever tell him you were conflicted? Did you end up getting the ring of your dreams? I feel like I’m at the end of a chapter break and I can’t move on! 😀

    Post # 69
    52 posts
    Worker bee

    I hope she told him and got the ring she wanted. 

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