(Closed) How do your friendships with exes work?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I guess it comes down to how well you know yourself, OP. You know your Fiance is cool with it (which, in my opinion, is extremely trusting and generous on his part), so now you have to know whether you are cool with it. Just because feelings aren’t there right now does not mean they couldn’t develop, particularly if your relationship enters a period of stress as most relationships do at some point.  I think that putting yourself in a position where you are spending lots of time talking to or hanging out with someone who you once cared for romantically is playing with fire. If you’ve ever made questionable choices in relationships before, I’d tread lightly on this one.

I think the best way to make a decision is to put yourself in his shoes. Say he, out of the blue, begins texting daily with an ex from over 5 years ago, with whom he hasn’t had any contact for the duration of your relationship. He tells you he’s decided he misses talking to her and wants to hang out with her and re-establish a friendship with her. Would you feel 100% okay with that? If so, then serious kudos – if I were in those shoes, I’d feel like it was a grossly inappropriate request on his behalf.

For the record, my Fiance actually does maintain a cordial relationship with an ex – but they text maybe once every few months and don’t hang out one-on-one. This has been the case since the day they broke up, and I’m fine with it. But the whole wanting to be friends after 6 years of no contact thing just seems kind of strange to me. Different strokes, I suppose.

Post # 17
Member
3354 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I am friends with all but one of my exes (I have three), but am only in semi-regular contact with #3 and FB friends with #2. I don’t see any of them often at all, because one is on the other side of this planet, and the other is in Europe. DH is aware of all their names and that I’m in contact with them, as well as I know he is in contact with his ex but they hardly see each other.

This doesn’t work for everybody, but for us, this is perfectly fine. I can’t say what’s normal and abnormal for your relationship, because it’s entirely on a case by case basis, but if you’re feeling guilty about this friendship, then something is up and you need to pinpoint what it is.

Post # 20
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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Skittles131: Sounds like a level-headed decision. 🙂 Best wishes to you and your FI!

Post # 21
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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Skittles131:  they dont, that’s why they’re exes.

Post # 22
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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Skittles131:  This probably won’t be a popular opinion, but I think your ex is sizing up whether he’s got a chance of restarting his relationship with you. Most guys don’t reconnect with girls and talk to them daily, just to be social.

Post # 23
Member
1339 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

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Skittles131:  If your Fiance is cool with it, and you are cool with it, don’t worry too much about what other people think. The more you guys don’t make a big deal out of it, the more they will forget. <br />Because people have never seen you as friends, right now, it might be hard for them to see you as anything but exes.

You dated for a reason. It wasn’t meant to be… romantically, but you did get together for a reason, had something in common. So maybe you were just meant to be friends.

 

Post # 24
Member
627 posts
Busy bee

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Payless:  +1. I’m not friends with any of my exes either. I prefer to leave the past behind me.

Post # 25
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

My advice is as follows: when you reconnect with him, always bring your other half to the meetings, at least initially. Make it clear that you are a couple. If he keeps pressuring you to meet without your other half, you will know that something is not right.

Show all of the relevant messages and emails etc from him to your other half. Complete transparency. It can work, but you have to be darn sure that he is making contact for the right reasons (because he wants to be your friend) as opposed to the wrong reasons (because he wants to get back together with you).

Post # 26
Member
7426 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

Bad idea all around. Nothing good can come of this.

Post # 27
Member
8434 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’m still friends with a few of my exes, but there was no “reconnecting” for us, we just stayed friends after breaking up.  I don’t see them or talk to them often, but I will visit them occasionally when I’m out in CA.  Also, when I do see them, I tend to not spend any one on one time with them (we have mutual friends).

Post # 28
Member
9184 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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Skittles131:  I am friends with all of my exes and one is even close enough with me to have been invited to our wedding. Same thing for my husband he is friends with his exes and one came to our wedding. 

For me what it boils down to is that there was a reason why our romantic relationship didn’t work but the fundamental reason why I dated them in the first place is because they are a great person. Just because we didn’t “love” each other in that way does not mean that we can’t love each other as friends. 

The ex that I am the closest to often comes over for dinner with his wife, I am god-mother to their baby but we also have lunch, drinks or dinner alone as well. 

I think it is sad when people will automatically exclude another human being from being a friend just because they dated. I also think it is ridiculous when one partner veto’s anyone as being their partners friend. Talk about controlling.

Post # 29
Member
9941 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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Skittles131:  As long as you’ll be cool when your Fiance wants to reconnect and start communicating with one of his exes, go for it. 

Post # 30
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Approach, but approach with caution. He feels you know him best and that could quite easily develop into feelings of an other-than-friendly sort on his part. So keep it friendly, but I’d suggest not getting too close to him.

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