(Closed) How do your friendships with exes work?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
2511 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

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Soon2bmarried123:  Totally agreed.

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Skittles131:  Hey girl! i haven’t read all the replies, but it sounds a little like risky business IMO. I’d say it’s in you’re best interest (& your FI’s) to move on from this EX. The feelings of guilt you’re experiencing speak volumes about what I think you TRULY feel deep down inside. Let this guy go. Ya’ll parted ways for a reason & you have a good thing going with your man now!

Post # 33
Hostess
11050 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

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Skittles131:  Same as 
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Payless: they don’t and that’s why they’re exes. I’d tread carefully as texting everyday seems quite intense his feelings for you maybe more than what he’s telling you.

Post # 34
Member
3355 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

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Skittles131:  even so, be wary and make sure to handle yourself appropriately.

Post # 35
Member
522 posts
Busy bee

Honestly, I think you should dial back the texting. Everyday is a LOT even after you’ve been disconnected for a long time. 

I would also set up firm parameters around the friendship? Do you plan to meet up or what place do you see for this man in your life?

Sidenote: in my experience, any guy that texts me everyday eventually tries to make a move even if I natter on nonstop about my amazing man. I’d say you might be playing with fire if you continue the constant contact. It might lead to him misconstruing your intentions and thinking there is something there that is not.

Post # 36
Member
6312 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

I’m not close with any of them and I left my country years ago.  Before moving away, I would exchange a hello and a quick conversation if we ran into each other, but that’s it.  Trust your instincts.  I don’t find anything wrong with remaining friends with an ex, but in your post you express you feel it’s wrong and at the same time state reasons to justify a more close relationship with your “ex”, including because your Fiance is busy.  What does your instinct tell you? I woulkd listen closely.

Post # 37
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I’m not friends with any of my exes, but pretty much all fo them cehated on me except forone, so theres that….

Post # 38
Member
1081 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I used to be a big fan to stay connect with exes… because once it’s over, I have no intention or feeling for them. Through the past years, it never goes well… the exes always regret it and liking me again… 

The only ex that remain friend with me is an ex that do not live in the same town. We only stay facebook friend… and the only resaon we work out great is he is a daddy aleady.  no way he will like me again 

 

Post # 39
Member
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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Skittles131: While it’s not for everyone, being friends with my ex has worked out just fine for me. We broke up more than 11 years ago and while we don’t text/talk/hang out every single day, we do share the same circle of very close friends.  My ex has also hung out with Fiance and I on multiple occasions, so it has never been uncomfortable between any of us.  In fact, my ex, his wife, and their young daughter will be guests at my wedding.

You’ve stated that there aren’t any feelings there, so as long as your ex is clear on what the friendship boundries are and your Fiance is aware and is 100% comfortable with this, I don’t think you should be feeling guilty. 

Post # 40
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee

 

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Skittles131:  I think that for now it is harmless, but you’re playing with fire IMO because when things go bad with your DH (not divorce bad, I mean like a big fight, or he says something hurtful to you) you’re gonna want to turn to your ex for support, for friendship, for “advice from a man’s point of view”. You can see how this gets sticky afterwards.

Post # 41
Member
1982 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t think I could ever be friends with an ex, now would I be pleased if my husband were friends with his. That’s just me. All I want to say is be careful. Just because feelings haven’t returned, doesn’t mean they won’t. I’m not saying you will love your Fiance any less, but it will strain your marriage. I also want to suggest that you don’t talk about relationship troubles with your ex. 

Post # 42
Member
5870 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

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Skittles131:  Honestly, this is a small red flag to me: “Ex says he likes to talk because he feels I know (or knew anyway) him best.” 

This and some of your other comments belies a sort of emotional intimacy that you are redevloping with your ex that would make me feel a little bit uncomfortable.  I would tread with caution.  I think that being close friends with an ex is something that only works on TV.  Being aquiantances who can hang out in a group or see each other at parties is different. 

I’m someone who’s intentinally friendly with my ex’s but never actually friends.  I just like to cut the cord as for me it’s the only way to really move on and get over the person.  If we see each other at a party it’s alwasy “oh my god how are you, so good to see you” and I am genuinely interested to hear about what’s up and hope he is doing well.  But I’m not going for coffee or hanging out with him one-on-one, and I’m certainly not texting him.  That just doesn’t work for me.  Maybe becuase the only time I tried to be actual friends with an ex he ended up wanting to get back together and agressively pursuing me for several month although I made it clear that it was never going to happen.  Ugh, it was like having to break up with him all over again.

Post # 43
Member
1589 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’m friends with one ex, but my relationship with him has been the same for about a decade, through a lot of each of our exes, to this year when we both attended one anothers weddings. We were part of the same group. He was away at college so after we broke up I became closer to the group but when he came home to visit we all still hung out. It was a little weird for a few years until his first serious gf after me. Then we learned to adjust and went into friend mode when I was about 20 years old. I’m 29 now. I told Fiance, then boyfriend, the first time he met ex, when ex was home for a wedding.

We’re kind of just group friends though, I rarely talk to him one on one besides a few texts every couple of months. The four of us, (us with spouses) have gone out to lunch when he was in town. I do have two male best friends (ex’s best friends lol) that I tend to talk to or email one on one, but we never dated and Fiance knows their spouses too. I have a brother/sister relationship with them. 

Post # 44
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2014

No exes for friends here, either. And I appreciate my Fiance has none. I think for both of us, we blasted through those relationships like pirate tornadoes and there’s not a shred of decency left. 😆 

Seriously though. I think I have one “ex” as a friend and that’s only because our “relationship” never was real. We have a lot of friends in common and this person married another friend. It’s all very incestuous 😆

As for all my serious/committed relationships, there is no way I could be friends with those people. Way too weird.  

Post # 45
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 

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Skittles131:  I’m still friends with 2 of my exes.  One I talk to more often…and see a few times a year.  Fi has gone with me, and they have met..If I had any romantic feelings for either one I wouldn’t stay friends with them.  In fact, in both cases we stopped talking for a while and then reconnected and are good as friends. I’ve always been honest going into relationships that I am friends with my ex’s….and I would never want to catch anyone off guard by them finding out another way.  Of course if Fiance wasn’t ok with it, then it would be a different situation….luckily, he’s understanding.  In past relationships I didn’t really care if the person i was seeing had a problem with it…with Fiance, if he didn’t like it…then i would cut ties. 

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