Post # 1
Hello ladies! I am writing because I am really struggling with not having my Dad at my wedding. He died when I was 19 and I was a total Daddy’s Girl. I never wanted a big wedding because there are so many little father/daughter moments that I am dreading. My brother is walking me down the aisle and we cut parent dances entirely – but I am still going to miss my dad sooooo much that day and it’s going to be really really bittersweet. Every time I think about the wedding and missing my dad, I have no idea how I am going to get through the day without completely losing it and being a total mess. And I know that there will be so many well meaning people that will come up to me and say nice things about my dad and how proud he would be etc, but that’s only going to make it worse.
Is anyone else going through something similar? How do I get through this happy day when I am so sad about my dad not being there?
Thanks for any support and advice you can give.
Post # 3
I know how you feel. I lost my mother before my senior year in high school. It was the hardest thing ever thinking about her not being there to help me get ready, or for any of the planning before. I don’t really know how I got through the day without breaking down, I really tried to focus. It really helped too that people didn’t bring her up. If you are afraid that people might talk about him, perhaps you should have a family member talk to people to tell them that you would prefer they don’t talk about your father on the wedding day so that they don’t upset you. Make sure you are surrounded the day of the wedding by people who love you and support you. That will help you to see that this is still a happy occasion even if some family members aren’t there.
Post # 4
I just know my mother is going to say something to me before we walk down the aisle like “I wish your father was here” because mom finds those kind of things comforting, but I do not. I have indicated to my close friends that I will choose the moments I bring my father into the celebration–he is mentioned on the invitation and in the “in memory” section of the program. I have scheduled a lip gloss touch up when Fiance dances with his mom. People are welcome to talk to each other about my dad, but Maid/Matron of Honor and Fiance have worked out signals for when I need to be rescued from such moments.
Post # 5
Thanks, ladies. Those are good suggestions. Ugh, this sucks.
@professor – having signals is a really good idea. i think i’ll just put my groom and Maid/Matron of Honor on alert!
Also, that’s why my brother is walking me down, not my mom. I already told him that I am counting on him to say something completely inappropriate to make me laugh before we walk down because I know my mom would just make me cry.
Post # 6
Ladylox I am right there with you! It COMPLETELY sucks!!!
My mom passed away a year ago this coming Sunday. As my Maid/Matron of Honor puts it she and I were “Gilmore girls close”. She did (and does) mean the world to me and I miss her terribly every day! As the wedding get’s closer I am finding that it hurts more and more she isn’t going to be there to zip me into my dress, give me a hug, or just smile at me, and when I think about it the tears come shortly after.
I have a few guests that tend to be dramatic/inappropriate and I am worried enough about how I am going to get through it with out breaking down! I don’t need anyone reminding me! I love the idea of signals!! I think I am definitely going to steal that one!
Those are great ideas ladies! Any other suggestions on how to deal would BE AWSOME!
Post # 7
My friend’s father died when he was a teenager, years before he married and they were very close. At the reception, when they did the toasts, my friend and his new wife lit a candle in his father’s memory (with a framed photo next to it) and his cousin told a funny story about my friend and his father and we all toasted him. I think they did a great job in helping my friend feel like his father was there with him. His cousin ended her toast with something along the lines of “…and I know that if he was here, he would be so proud of you and the man that you have become.” There wasn’t a dry eye in the room.
Post # 8
I’m not sure I have any good advice for you, but wanted to let you know that I’m struggling with the exact same thing. Sending hugs your way!
Post # 9
I’m struggling with the same fear about the day of. I hadn’t even considered how I’d handle it when people say things to me. All of my focus has been on walking down the aisle without my dad.
I’m thinking I need to come up with something I can do in the few days beforehand that could help me get some tears out and come to peace with it before the day of. Some little ritual, like writing him a letter
Post # 10
My fiance came to visit for 3 months back in Novemeber. We got engaged in February and began making wedding plans. It was the first time he got to meet my parents. My father got sick unexpectedly the end of February after my fiance went back to Holland and he died 10 days later. I cannot explain the excruciating pain I am in at the moment. My father wasn’t sick and we didn’t expect this to happen at all. He was extremely excited about the wedding and loved my future husband like a son. I’m grateful that he got to give us his blessings and he even looked through my bridal magazine and told me what type of gown I should wear, but I feel so cheated. I feel like we both got cheated because I would have been the first daughter he got to walk down the aisle. I won’t allow anyone to walk me down the aisle because I feel like that was his place and I don’t want to give that away to anyone. Like a few ppl here have mentioned I plan on having a moment of silence for him before the ceremony begins. I move forward because I know it’s what he would have wanted, but because he just passed away I’ve decided to push the wedding date back to allow time for grieving.
I can feel the pain of all who are in the same situation because this is such a huge event in our lives and its extremely painful not being able to share it with someone who was such a loving and important part of our lives. Much hugs to everyone.
Post # 11
@DutchBride21: I know that words can’t help you with your situation but I’m so sorry for your loss. My mother died suddenly and unexpectedly as well. Unfortunately, she never had the chance to really meet my husband and that tears me up inside. I hope that you can find a way to live with it and move forward (though you never move past it).
Post # 12
I have no advice, since I’m a waiting bee, but this is something I think about a lot. (I lost my dad 7 years ago.)
I just wanted to give a hug. ((((hugs)))
Post # 13
- Wedding: July 2010 - The Tower Club
@DutchBride: I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad very suddenly as well, I know it hurts. That’s very cute that he was looking through the bridal magazine with you. 🙂
Oh man… I have mostly resolved my grief over the loss of my dad (10 years ago this June), but the father-daughter dance just never gets easier for me. We went to a wedding last night, our first since being engaged, and the dance was so hard to watch that I burst into tears (?!) and had to leave the room. Hm. I’m walking by myself down the aisle, we have cut designated dances entirely, and are structuring our wedding/reception so those moments aren’t so glaring.
I have no idea how I will react on that day, but I’m thinking to just go-with-the-flow… if the tears fall, that will be fine with me. I think a wedding day is supposed to have a mix of joyous and solemn moments, so I will just accept it as it comes. I imagine I will be too distracted with the day’s events to dwell on it for very long.
Post # 14
Hugs to all bees who have lost dad. I lost mine 11 years ago in June. It still stings as if it were yesterday. To make matters worse, our mom became kinda non existant after our dad passed, having somewhat of a midlife crisis and we just found out 2 weeks ago that she remarried the guy she had the crisis with.
Our grandparents also passed recently, having been married 70 years. I lost 3 of the closest people in the world to me and am wrestling with this whole thing too. I know there will be tears and I wouldn’t be able to control them when the day happens as I so wanted all of them there.
Instead, I’ll have my dad’s face in a locket, a photo of him, around my bouquet so he is walking me down the aisle. In a way he really is, b/c my son is the one who will do the honor.
My grandparents? I might even have a second locket made for them too. With their photos in it too.
I am showcasing my grandmothers’ famous coca cola cupcakes at the reception as a favor. I am also printing off her recipe too. My nod to the couple who lasted almost as long as the oldest living married couple (who was married 79 years). They made it to 70.
We’ll all get through it, but remember, we should be happy that we had time to spend with them, get to know them, and have them in our lives. Think how sad our lives would have been had they not been there. I know my dad and grandparents are proud of me, my son, and the life I made for us. You must know they feel the same way too.