(Closed) how does your SO react to you being catcalled?

posted 5 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee

So just curious, how do you expect him to react? To offer to always go with you somewhere? To protect you? Say he’s going to beat the guys up? Just be more sympathetic? I also live in NYC and when I tell my Boyfriend or Best Friend about being catcalled he finds it funny/ridiculous/desperate/sad but knows that I can take care of myself. 

To me it sounds like your past molestation and trust issues are impacting how you’re approaching this situation. Also NYC is not the place to live if you’re constantly feeling paranoid. Stay away from deserted streets, construction sites, the subway late at night, etc. to avoid those unsafe situations. While catcalling is certainly annoying and frustrating, I don’t give it a second thought when it happens and therefore it’s not a big deal to me (or my BF). And no, guys will never understand what it’s like to be a woman. They usually can’t wrap their heads around the fact that we do not appreciate unsolicited compliments :/

Post # 3
Member
1325 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2015 - Mount Hermon

catpeaches:  well we’re both feminists, so I usually call the guys out. If I tell him later, he usually is sad that society is so effed up and we talk about feminism for awhile.

I don’t always tell him because at some point it’s kind of just a given when I’m out alone.

As for your questions at the end, I couldn’t be with anyone who wasn’t also a feminist so yes, your FI’s reaction would cause me to leave him, although I probably would have not gotten past the second date.

Post # 4
Member
4073 posts
Honey bee

catpeaches:  He doesn’t React because I don’t feel the need to tell him when I get hit on, and no sane person would dare hit on me with my Fiance around. He’s a big guy. 

Post # 5
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

Well, this is an interesting topic, one that I have 2 answers to:

1. No, you’re not being sensitive. Men who cat call women in passing are PIGS, but good luck explaining that to them. Your boyfriend, on the other hand, should be hearing you when you tell him it bothers you because it IS bothersome and NO woman should have to put up with it or feel unsafe that way.

2. Having said that, it doesn’t bother me as much as some women because I feel very secure in the fact that I can handle myself. I’m a 3rd degree black belt with 12+ mixed martial arts/self-defense experience and not at all shy about calling out someone who I feel is being creepy and/or making me feel uncomfortable. I’m also very, VERY good about not putting myself in dangerous situations. Again, I shouldn’t HAVE to, but I’d rather be safe/un-raped than stake my flag and die on the hill of feminism. Also… even though S/O is a feminist and has nothing but respect for women, it’s something of a turn on for him in that he loves that other men “appreciate” what a “specimen” I am on a purely aesthetic level. (I almost NEVER get cat called when I’m with him because he’s a giant 6”3 200 lbs. Marine, mind you.) I don’t hold that animal part of his brain against him, as it’s an extension of our very fulfilling, fetished sex life that I won’t go into detail about here.

So, for the most part I shrug it off and watch my back. If I really felt threatened or it upset me, though, I know S/O would be sympathetic and absolutely make arrangements to make me feel more secure. He knows I don’t like to be fussed over too much, but he is also very protective of me (when I allow him to be).

Post # 6
Member
322 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

catpeaches:  i’m sure your Fiance doesn’t understand. i have had similar talks with my Darling Husband and he genuinely hadn’t thought about the female point of view for certain issues. I dont think he fully understands my point of view now but at least he listens and is open to the idea that others experience the world differently than he does, which is good. 

the first time someone cat called me when he was with me , he was shocked. Not mad or upset, just genuinely couldn’t believe someone would be so rude. I was like “welcome to my life buddy!” It did give me some satisfaction. 

unless someone makes me feel extemely uncomfortable I don’t talk to Darling Husband about the catcalls. It happens so much in my area it’s doesnt even bother me anymore. i mean, what can he do? if you are walking alone and don’t feel safe it seems like thats a bigger issue that will require some solution that goes beyond your Fiance. 

Post # 8
Member
4697 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

MrsYellowDaffodil:  HAH! The last time I was catcalled, I turned and asked “Has that EVER worked for you?”.. When he didn’t answer right away I followed up with a quick “Yeah, I didn’t think so..” and carried on. I dislike when it happens and do try to say something if I can.

I don’t tell my husband when it happens because what’s the point? He’ll just get annoyed that guys can be so inappropriate and then gets upset that I feel uncomfortable walking around by myself because of it.

Post # 9
Member
6040 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

im curious as to how his reaction to you telling him is so wrong? I’m a female and when someone tells me stuff like that the most I’ll say is something like “ugh! why are guys such pigs sometimes? stay safe girl! people be cray!” and I move on. I’m just not sure what you think he should be doing in response to you telling him that…. and I can’t imagine what he is doing that is making you think he just doesn’t care.

Post # 10
Member
2639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa

catpeaches:  I never really felt the need to mention it to Darling Husband, but it always happens during the day or if I’m someplace safe like the grocery store. I find it somewhat flattering (with a dash of disgusting. I don’t smile or say hi or anything, but it makes me feel a bit good that I must look nice today. Granted, I live in a small town right now, so it’s not like it happens to me every 5 minutes as it might with you commuting on the subway or by foot). If it happened at night, though, I would definitely be freaked out/ scared. I don’t think a dude is going to get it, because many guys think it’s innocent flirting and don’t consider how it would be to have it happen all the time or how scary it can feel sometimes.

Post # 11
Member
2968 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

catpeaches:  I live in NY so I hear you. I get all the same catcalls and it’s annoying and embarassing. Sometimes it can even get scary when the people you are ignoring get nasty with you. I’ve had people follow me and get in my face and say some pretty crude things.

Most guys are bold and will do it regardless of whether or not my husband is with me but I definitely get catcalled more when he’s not around. He used to be oblivious to it (or so I thought) but he really was just ignoring it. After awhile he started getting more vocal about it and actually saying stuff to people like “come on man, that’s my wife”.

 

Post # 12
Member
1325 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2015 - Mount Hermon

KC-2722:  LOL I do that to. But, my personal favorite is to catcall them back. Really get into it to. Make the gestures, say the grossest thing you can think of. They’re too shocked top say anything else.

catpeaches: I took a psychology of gender course in college that completely changed our relationship and converted us both. Show him some videos by a woman named Laci Greene. She discusses a lot of topics about sexuality, body positivity and gender in a very approachable way. Really research what feminism is and talk to him about issues. You live in NYC? That’s a very liberal place, guarantee there are resources. 

Post # 13
Member
4697 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

MrsYellowDaffodil:  That’s kind of amazing! I’ll try it next time!

Post # 14
Member
860 posts
Busy bee

I have PTSD from multiple sexual assaults, so I have a really nasty fear reaction to being catcalled. I carried a (huge) pocket knife for years and at one point my fear and paronoia got so terrible that all I could do was sit with my back to the wall in our apartment closet and shake and cry. I couldn’t even let my Fiance near me for fear he would hurt/assualt me. After a couple days I collapsed from exhaustion because I was refusing to sleep, and after that my Fiance was able to get me help.

Luckily it’s gotten a lot better since then, but I don’t ever go walking on my own. The fear is too real. My Fiance will go out with me if it’s after dark or I’m in an unfamilar place. It hurts him to see me so afraid, but people do leave me alone when I’m with him. 

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