Post # 1
This is something that just occurred to me.
How far in advance should I communicate to my BM’s what I expect of them in terms of my shower, bachelorette party, etc?
The only reason that I bring it up is that I’m not sure that my Maid/Matron of Honor will be my Maid/Matron of Honor in the end, not because I don’t love her and think she’s amazing, but because she’s applied to grad schools across the country and has an excellent (if not exemplary) shot at getting in. I’m talking Harvard, folks.
If that is the case, I don’t want her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor, not (again) because I don’t love her and not because I don’t think she’d do a good job, but because I don’t want her concentrating on anything other than grad school for her first year, especially since she will have just gotten there (terms begins August/Sept, she’d need to be there a couple months beforehand to settle in, and she’ll be at the tail end of the term by the time the November wedding rolls around). She needs to be focused on her studies especially in such a highly competitive and demanding environment. I certainly don’t want to be the reason why she slips and I certainly don’t want her to be as stressed out as I know she’d be. It’s important to me that she not worry about my wedding or fulfulling her “duties” and concentrate on herself and what she needs to do to be successful. But I’m also worried that I’m being selfish making the decision for her since I know she’d be disappointed. Though to top it off, she’ll be in grad school. Her budget will be so tight you could bounce a quarter off it.
I need to talk to her about it and get her take, but I don’t want to harp on it since she’s been depressed lately, and we won’t know where she’s gotten in until April anyway. Will that be enough time?
Perhaps there’s a middle ground where she could be the “Honorary MOH” and still make a speech but not have to worry about the other stuff, in which case who do I delegate to do party stuff?
Eah. Maybe I’m thinking too hard. Thoughts? Advice? Did anyone run into this situation where you had other BMs take over certain stuff?
Post # 3
I think the honorary Maid/Matron of Honor is okay, too. I think communicating it all with her earlier on than later is probably best, too. That way she can make the decision for herself, and maybe you can take the pressure off of her.
I also debated on having a Maid/Matron of Honor who was out of town who I didn’t want her to fly in multiple times to help plan. I know in the end she does want to help and do more, but circumstances make it difficult. I think also my bridesmaids have been super helpful with the planning process that my Maid/Matron of Honor can actually just come in and perhaps just help out on the wedding day.
I would just tell the other BMs the situation, and hopefully they will understand and you can divide out the duties between them.
Post # 4
ASAP. I haven’t had my sit down “meeting” with my ladies yet. I am having a Spa Day so that it can be relaxed and not feel like I am holding a lecture. But I have voiced a few of my concerns and the big details like the date, time, ideas for my Bridal Shower, their attire, etc. A few have even gone with me to Bridal Shows already. We did all meet up at David’s a few months back so that they could try on their dresses and get their sizes in the system.
Post # 5
Have 1 Maid/Matron of Honor and as far as giving people responsibilities go for showers, bachelorette parties, my experience has been to let family organize it, pay for it, but put ‘given by bridesmaids’. Also, you can do a bachelorette party during school break or the summer. The wedding doesn’t have to dovetail the bachelorette party.
Best of luck
Post # 6
Honestly, though, I would wait until she hears from grad schools. In my program, at least, it’s been really competitive this year – we’re admitting 30% fewer people than got in my year, because of budget cuts. So even if she’s stellar, there’s a chance she won’t get in where she wants to go. Waiting till April (and, by the way, depending on the kind of program, she might well hear earlier) would still give you more than six months. Until then, maybe you can say something like, “I know I want you to be in the wedding party, but we haven’t decided what everyone’s roles will be yet.”