(Closed) How far would you go to help out a friend?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Maybe guide her towards the “maybe the experience of dealing with the consequences will be a good thing for him”……but i would be too shy to say that.  

Your question:

I would go around the world to help a friend and do anything I could.  But in this case, with what you’ve described, I would say that giving her money would not be helping her in the big picture. 

Post # 4
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Right! I think you already answered your own question (with VARIOUS reasons on why you shouldnt give or even LEND her this $$)  – Tell her you wish you could help her but with legalities it will take a while to get your $$$$ and you dont know when (and keep putting it off until she deals with this issue) – UNLESS you already told her you got the money then say it is already spoken for as you put it ALL towards your mortgage or make up some lie …or you can just tell her to deal with her own ridiculous child and inform her that maybe it will teach him something if he sits his ass in there for a while 🙂 

Post # 5
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

If you really wanted to help your friend and her son then you’d let him sit in jail.

I’ve seen this plenty with my ex-husband and the “crew” we grew up with (teenage years) HAD most of them actually had to sit out there consequences they probably wouldn’t be in the places they are today… as some of them are now serving REAL sentences, others have died, and other are now drug addicts in way worse places than we were back then… those who aren’t “worse” still aren’t living all that great of lives and still struggle with staying in bounds of the law

It sounds like he’s been bailed out enough time to realize that his lifestyle is working for him and he needs help to be different.

I wish that my ex-MIL would’ve realized that with my sons father b/c he may have turned out different had he not been “saved” from his penalty all those years.

Wanting him to be able to understand his consequences has nothing to do with money but him sitting there could actually be saving his life. And that’s probably what I focus on when explaining to my friend that I couldn’t help.

Post # 5
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

Not this kind of help.

First it sounds like the son is in a cycle and needs to be jolted out of it. Serving some time might do you good.

You never loan money to a friend. You give it because they may not pay you back.  Assuming she doesnt ever pay you back. Are you OK with not questioning her choice to buy a starbucks or new shoes because that money should be yours? Can you still be her friend?

And by giving the money you are not really helping anyone. Mom needs to stop being an inhibitor of her sons bad behavior and you shouldnt have to buy her friendship with the loan. So if she is mad you dont give her money then she isnt your friend.

Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

First –  STOP telling people you won the money!!! You will deeply regret it

Second – do not help this woman out. The son needs to learn the hard way that there are real consequences to his actions might actually help him. I know all too many people who try to help out family and friends in situations like this, and it always comes back to bite them

Post # 7
Member
10288 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Given the circumstances, I wouldn’t give her a cent. The only friends that I would ever consider loaning money to are 3 of my very best friends (of more than 10+ years). I would never loan money to someone who I “keep around for entertainment”.

And sorry, but bailing her kid out of jail is not your problem. I obviously don’t know these people but if the parents are anything like the kid, I would bet you never see a penny of that money again. She either needs to figure out how to get her dissapointment of a son out of jail or she can do the smart thing and let him rot. 

ETA: And you reaaaally shouldn’t tell people about the money. Only your nearest and dearest need to know. 

Post # 8
Member
955 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I am not sure you really need to tell her no…if she hasn’t asked. I wouldn’t say anything unless it was asked specicially and then I would say I just can’t help and I don’t even feel comfortalbe with her asking that. Sorry but from what you described of her son there is no way I would help and I do not need to explain myself to anyone… and I think a real friend wouldn’t ask for money for something like this….unless it was to feed their young children IMO.

Post # 9
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m about to sound like a total hard a** here but that kid needs to sit in jail.  A violent, jobless child who gets everything he wants will just end up in prison again.  This could be the chance for him to learn he does not want to be there.  I’m not saying that without reason.  I have a background in criminology and in many cases, especially youth offenders, only get worse with time if they are constantly “bailed out” of trouble.  Sorry you’re dealing with this!  I would just tell her you are unable to give her any because you have your own bills to pay.

Post # 10
Member
231 posts
Helper bee

I really do think the best choice here is to not give her the money and I am sorry but sometimes people need to pay for what they did and obvi her son keeps getting into trouble and doesn’t care. Sometimes you need to be harsh but he needs to accept the consequences of his actions. If you give her the money it is just enabling the son. 

Post # 11
Member
1805 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

If it was a GOOD friend (which you’ve already indicated it’s not), I would probably give (not loan) her the money.

I never ask my friends for money regardless of the situation.  I just don’t, and I’ve been in some tough situations.   In the past, the mixing of friendship with money and obligations has always ended badly, going both ways. One of the most hurtful ever involved a close “friend” we loaned money to to help her avoid eviction and interestingly enough, like your situation, she also had a son who had just landed in jail and we stupidly agreed to let her have him call on our phone so she could talk to him (they lived upstairs from us), racking up collect charges.  When we later needed some of that money back she of course had nothing and had a “screw you” attitude, leaving us $700 in the hole and the friendship over.

Having said that, I am the kind of person that gives money, food, to homeless people and I’m in general kind of a softy.  Plus, I grew up with a jailbird brother (9 years older) and watched what my mom went through.  Coming from that POV I might give her money for a calling card and that’s about it.  I guess because I have a 19 year old and can’t imagine him being in jail with no contact… well then again my 19 year old would never end up in that sort of situation but still.

Even if you helped her bail him out it’s not going to help him.  Frankly it sounds like whether he sits there or gets bailed out the end result will be the same. The kid needs help that jail is not going to give him and money won’t “fix”.  He’s on a path that will continue unless something drastic changes, and the threat of jail is obviously not enough.   Many times it’s a need for serious psychological help before he becomes a habitual criminal and does real prison time.  But that’s another soapbox.

But you are under no obligation at all… and as others have said, hush about the money!  And congrats on your win, btw!  We rarely buy scratch offs but I pick them up when I see them discarded in the parking lot of the corner store and I have found 2 winners that way! ($20 and $10!) 🙂

 

 

Post # 12
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee

I would say IF she asks, I would say no. That at his age he needs to learn to deal with the consequences of his actions on his own.

Post # 13
Member
46323 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree with the pp’s. She hasn’t asked so don’t offer.

If she does ask, say no, that you do not lend money to friends or family.

Coming to this young man’s rescue will not serve him well.

It’s time for him to learn that there are consequences to his actions.

Post # 14
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

If you give her the bail money you’ll just be enabling her to enable him!  Don’t do it!

Post # 15
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

Good Lord! I knew they were coming for you (ppl looking for handouts) but I didn’t think it’d be that fast. Losers.

Tell her you’re sorry her grown son gets himself into trouble and move on. He’s too old for mommy’s help. And money on his book? He’s in jail, better eat that jailhouse food and be on about his way!

Plus, you have your own family to take care of…if y’all need money in the future, will she give it to you? No.

Sorry I sound bitter. I’ve dealt with ppl asking for money before when they hear you have some.

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