- 5 years ago
Bees, I’m starting to have second thoughts about my SO. We have been together for over two years, have perservered through many trials and have always made it through strong. I’m 25 and he is 27. I am in love with him. He is smart, clever, talented, handsome and makes me feel special and supported. We’ve discussed getting engaged over the past couple of months. For the most part, I’ve been giddily obsessed with looking at rings and thinking of our future together.
But with the excitement of a pending engagement have come thoughts that have made me kind of nervous.
Our relationship hasn’t been smooth sailing. We have grown a LOT in the time we have been together and have both worked so hard to communicate better. However, we continue to face daily challenges as my SO is clinically depressed. It breaks my heart what he goes through, and I have learned so much about what I can do for him and how to help. I have always felt like he is worth the effort, although I wish he’d seek counseling or try anti-depressants again (I have discussed this with him and tried to be very sensitive about it, but he has never followed through with getting help).
When he feels very depressed he doesn’t talk much, doesn’t want to do anything, drinks heavily, can be very sensitive and take things personally, and keeps to himself (this sometimes lasts just an evening, can last 2-3 days). Sometimes it can be just moderately bad but last a week (when he just doesn’t feel “good” – so we cuddle a lot, talk some, and try to be close at home). It kind of comes in strange waves. And in between these times he feels better and it’s perfect: he drinks less, we have great conversations, we go out and do things together, we cuddle and have a great sex life, plan for things, run errands, etc. We live a full life when he’s feeling better.
In a way, I feel like we balance each other out: I’m very optimistic, independent, a care taker. He’s an introvert, very feeling and thoughtful but sometimes finds it hard to communicate, negative a lot of the time, and pretty dependent. So a lot of the time, I’m there working my booty off trying to show him how much I love him, am there for him, and support him. This can be very rewarding, but also very frustrating. I rely on him a lot as well though, and he has been there for me when I needed him the most (my mom passed away last month).
I’m sorry I’m rambling. I guess I’m just wondering if I should be concerned about entering a marriage where so much effort is necessary. I love my life with him most of the time, I ADORE the times when he feels better (probably about 1/2-3/4 the time we spend together is good, positive, light and fun). While I do think he is worth it, the fact that I’m having misgivings FREAKS ME OUT.
Is this a sign I should let him go and find someone who is less dependent and who I can glide through life happily without so much effort? I wonder if relationships should be this difficult and if it’s something I need to weigh before jumping into an engagement… or maybe I’m overthinking things… The past two days have been hard ones where he is hypersensitive and it’s pretty impossible to talk through anything (so we’ve hardly spoken, besides me reassuring him I’m there when he’s ready or if he needs me…). I just miss him and want us both to be in a happy place.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.