(Closed) How “hard” should a relationship be?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: How much work does a successful relationship take?
    No work at all. There should be no major fights and you should just click forever. : (0 votes)
    Minimal work. Everything should basically flow easily and both are just happy no matter what. : (30 votes)
    18 %
    Average amount of work.It takes work to iron out the kinks but down the road everything is worth it. : (94 votes)
    58 %
    A lot of work. No one is just perfect for each other. Must continue working for a great relationship : (39 votes)
    24 %
  • Post # 3
    6597 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I think relationships do take a lot of work but I do think that both parties have to be happy the majority of the time.

    If both parties are happy and willing to make the relationship work it will!

    If one (or both) party is miserable the majority of the time, they will not want to make the relationship work and then the relationship will go down hill.

    Post # 4
    144 posts
    Blushing bee

    At first Fiance and I had a fairly “easy” relationship. Things happened very fluidly, we got engaged after only dating for six months etc. However after a year Fiance had pancreatitis from alcohol use and I was graduating from undergrad and it was just a trying time for us. We pulled through it though and are both better people for it. Every relationship is different I suppose, though I always assumed most relationships have trials.

    Post # 5
    2237 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I didn’t vote, and here’s why…

    All relationship need work, because like you said in the poll, no one is really perfect for another person.  But, I don’t think it should feel like work when you’re with the right person.  If I break it down, there’s a lot of work in my relationship with my FH, but I never think of it like that when I’m doing it; I just do it because I love him.  And knowing that I made him happy makes me happy.  If every time I did something that normally I wouldn’t have done but I do for my FH I thought of it as work, I’m pretty sure I’d be miserable.

    Post # 6
    2402 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    Relationships DO take work — it’s not going to be all roses throughout your relationship, except of course during the honeymoon stage. It takes work to smooth through communication issues and to keep the spark alive.

    But with that being said, I don’t think it should be so hard all the time. There should be some basis of compatibility there. If you find yourself miserable more often than not, chances are the relationship just isn’t going to work. I never really understood the “on-off” couples that break up all the time, and get back together. I’ve been with my fiance for 5 years now, and while I’m very happy with him, there have been some hard times, as well. But we stuck by each other and worked through it. Most of the time it does feel “easy” with us, because we just click so well.

    Post # 7
    381 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I think that all relationships require work, both parties need to show effort and love, must be selfless at some points, and need to be willing to communicate when things are not going as well as they want. It’s never going to be easy all the time, but it should feel easy, comfortable and happy most of the time. You’ve got to want to put in the work and try to have fun doing it. 

    Post # 8
    2280 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    Yes, all relationships take work. Absolutely. But the relationship should still work. My fiance and I were perfectly happy with each other from the start, and we work to maintain that, rather than working to make the relationship good at all. That kind of work would make the relationship hard.

    My previous relationship was three and a half bad years, and it was so, so hard for me to keep it together when I was depressed and unhappy with how I was treated. It’s completely different with my fiance; it’s not a constant fight to tread water. Things come naturally to us. I guess that’s the difference between a bad relationship and a normal, good relationship which will ocassionally face hard times.

    Post # 10
    2090 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I really like the way @Minutiae put it: working to maintain, rather than working to make a relationship something its not.

    I think we all have to do some amount of continual personal “work” – making sure we are communicating with our partners and talking about issues that might be tough to talk about sometimes (money, for instance). But, we have to do that for any successful relationship – bf/fh/husband, friends, work, etc.

    I don’t believe that there is one perfect person for anyone out there either, but both my husband and I have said that this relationship is by far the “easiest” relationship we’ve each ever been in. We don’t fight, and things really don’t take much work. Things just work and click, which is cool. But things wouldn’t just click if we stopped doing our personal work, if that makes sense.

    I guess you would have to evaluate the “situation” – is it a stressful but likely isolated event, or is it the fact that two people just don’t agree on a basic level about many important subjects.

    Post # 11
    89 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I think if you find yourself “working” more than “enjoying”, it may be time to reconsider. Of course, relationships go through ups and downs and some times are harder than others so a month, say, of “working” doesn’t necessarily mean everything is going down the drain.

    My relationship with my girlfriend is great. We’re always respectful of each other, and when we do fight (I’d say about once a week), our voices are never raised, we never call each other names, we don’t hold a grudge, and the issue is usually talked over and resolved within an hour at most. There are no major issues within our relationship to make us doubt being with each other.

    Respectful and honest communication is so, so important and cannot be done without.

    Post # 12
    332 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2010

    My hubby and I have had a pretty rough fist 6 months of marriage. He had 3 surgeries, one of them pretty major, and I had a miscarraige. But still marriage doesn’t seem like work to me. I think it would be more work in life if I didn’t have him there supporting me and vise versa.

    Post # 13
    1537 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    I always ask myself this: Could we ever expereince anything worse than being without each other? Silly I know, but with my Fiance it’s always no. I can’t think of one single thing that would be worse than having to live my life without him. ( I know some will debate this, but my point is I’m sure that there are many things that could make me angry or upset, but in the end I’m always willing to try to work it out.)

    In pervious relationships it was different. The “work” didn’t feel worth it to me. Now, with my Fiance it all feels worth it because I’d much rather have him by my side through the toughest things than not have him at all. Relationships are hard, but when you have the right person in your life it all comes together even in the toughest of times.

    Post # 14
    1184 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    i guess it depends on what you’re calling work. i agree with a lot of what mandamack wrote. there’s a million little things i do for Fiance all the time that i don’t consider work, i just know that they will make him happy. he does the same for me. it’s also about being flexible, and knowing how (and when) to compromise. in the end i think you have to know that you are getting out of the relationship more than you are putting in. for me, the love and support i get out of my relationship with Fiance outweighs the “work” i put into it a million times over. but if you feel like you are putting huge amounts of effort into the relationship and not getting all that back in return, then i would reevaluate the relationship.

    Post # 15
    4123 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    There’s a few types of Love. Eros is the one that most associate with it today. Eros is the “erotic” love. It’s the sex, it’s the passion, it’s the flames. It’s also what you would define as your love of chocolate. This will not sustain a marriage, relationship, or anything. Eros comes and goes. You can’t only build a relationship on Eros and have it work. 

    Agape is the love of brother, aka the giving love. 

    Both are important in a relationship… but when the eros fades it’s the agape that sustains. At it’s route, Love is the “giving of oneself for the good of the beloved.” These days love is usually more about self-fullfilment, but if both are “working” for each other to ensure the other is fulfilled and happy… well, that’s a well balanced relationship in my book… ๐Ÿ™‚


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