(Closed) How have you gotten past a dissolved long term friendship?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
788 posts
Busy bee

lsp2015:  I dealt with a very similar situation but not all the same little details. I guess you could probably say I handled it poorly but it’s the only thing I could do because her disappearing out of my life without a blink of the eye just hurt so badly.

I cut her off and never spoke to her again. I had been invited to her wedding and a few months before the wedding was when I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. I sent in my Not Coming RSVP and went out of town for the weekend of her wedding for a great time and haven’t made contact with her since. She knows she hurt me. Her wedding was 2 years ago and she tried to text me once about a year ago to say she missed me and I ignored the message.

I’m not saying this is what you should do. But it’s what I did and it was the only way I could deal with the situation was to just take her out of my life completely and never go back. When we were friends I had thought we were really good friends. Looking back she wasn’t that good of a friend even while we were friends so I’m not missing anything.

Post # 3
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

lsp2015:  I don’t think you should send her anything. You’ve been a good friend to her and she only uses you. You know that because as soon as you can’t drop everything and do her a favor she completely ignores you. That’s really immature. She wants to have power over you and sending her flowers would only let her know that she still has it. Don’t give her that. Carry on with your life, do the things you enjoy and don’t let her control you.

I had to let one of my best friends go once. Things just got too complicated. Friendships later in life shouldn’t have to be so much work. I have so many friendships that are heatlhy and good and I can go a couple months without hanging out with them and then we catch up and everything is great. This friendship in particular felt more like a job than a friendship and eventually I just had to let it phase out. Now it’s been so long that occasionally we talk, but nothing more and I’m fine with that.

 

Post # 4
Member
249 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

lsp2015:  

I had a friend of 15+ years. She was the type that was always the victim; blaming others for her problems etc.

I knew that she had it rough at home and tried really hard to be there for her and listen and hang out when needed. But her mentality really drained on me- I tried once to get her to get out there and do something for herself. Get her drivers license, a bus pass, a job, a hobby. It didn’t really end well- she always had excuses and how hard it would be for her to accomplish those things. Just a few examples; drivers test would be expensive and she couldn’t afford it- but I pointed out all the $100+ shoes she buys every weekend- it adds up. Taking the bus would take too long to get to her destitation and back home- but with every step to get you to where you want to be- it takes sacrifices right?

Finally- I’m not proud of this. We had a huge blow up- I don’t even remember most of it. It came up in conversation that she ‘Missed her chance with a guy because I couldn’t make it to the party and drive her. It was my fault- it was her oppurtunity to improve her life”. I EXPLODED- started listing everything that I *have* done for her; without a thank you. She could have taken the bus. She could have gotten her license and her own car and she could have driven herself. But nooooo she always had an excuse as to why she couldn’t do something. And it ended with ‘start doing something to better your f*cking life and stop blaming others for your faults’

Few days past- I sent her a message; apologizing for what I said and it had kinda hurt that she had blamed me for her missed chance. And it was frustrating for me to see a friend in limbo when I know she could do so much better.

She sent something back- again saying how it was all my fault and she would think about my apology and see if she would accept it. Fair- I said some harsh things. But she did not once apologize for what she said. I stopped talking to her.

I missed her everyday- and then- when I didn’t notice. I thought of her less and less. Looking back- I think she brought me down as well with her negative attitude of everyone else…

Time heals- I can’t remember the last time I thought of her before reading this post.

Post # 5
Member
1497 posts
Bumble bee

I have had a few friendships dissolve. Some were tougher than others to get over. It took me months to get over one. I’d go as far to say as it took me even a whole year to get over it. I would constantly think about her, wonder if I should call her – but I didn’t. She hurt me so bad, I wasn’t going to cave this time and brush it off. Now, two years later, I’m totally over it. I think about her sometimes for sure, but I no longer have that pain when I do.

Another friend got mad at me. I apologized profusely and she said she could forgive. (I wasn’t the only innocent one in our fight, but I took full responsibility. I was mad at her too but I decided she meant more to me than for me to call her out on it!) But then she went right back to ignoring me. I basically just let her be. It pisses me off that I wasted 15 years of friendship with her for her to be so childish over something so small. She’d never been one to forgive for anything though. I felt bad until she said she accept my apology, then I just felt angry with her. 

I had another good friendship end. This one was more phased out. I stopped contacting her because I felt like I was bugging her every time I did. We just changed though. We were different people. 

I have come to realize that a friendship takes two people to maintain. If I’m going to be the only one trying, it’s not worth it to me anymore. I should not be the only one keeping the friendship going. I did this my whole life, trying to keep friends who just didn’t put in an effort. I’m not doing it anymore. Maybe you should think about it the same way. Leave this friend alone. If she decides to get over it and contacts you, then that’s great. If you never hear from her again, it’s sad, but at least you know how she really feels.

Post # 6
Member
6717 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Consider it this way – if your boyfriend/fiance/husband treated you like this, would you come crawling back to him for more?  You were sick and couldn’t drive her so you want to send her flowers and apologize?  No, no, no!  Did she even ask if you were feeling better?  Send you a get well card or some gatorade?  No!  You will be so relieved if you let her go, a huge weight off your shoulders.  Don’t look back.

Post # 8
Member
4053 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Your story sounds very similar to mine in the sense that I had a best friend for over 12 years who just stopped talking to me.. I tried calling, texting, emailing, nothing… This went on for months, we had mutual friends and I would try to ask them what her problem was and her problem was clearly with only me bc everyone else had been contacted by her and hanging out with her. She finally called me afree about 5 months and oh it went down! I mean she was going off on a diatribe about all the things she couldn’t stand about me, really weird stupid shit, for example, “u buy urself juicy couture bags while I work all day.” (she was 4 years older than me and I was still on college working at a pizzeria) and she was mad at me that I seemed distance bc I just started dating my Fiance and I was spending a lot of time with him, but the weird part about it was that SHES the one who ghosted ME and yet complained that I wasn’t around! It was totally bizarre! I was mad too bc what she was saying was so ridiculous! I just kept telling her not to blame ME if she didn’t want to be my friend, but just give me a better reason than its because I buy purses and my mom and I are close! Loterally that’s ehy she was mad at me! WTF!…We had it out, and then I tried to get things back to normal but I was angry bc I felt betrayed and she was mad and insecure with me for no reason! 

we no longer have a friendship. We are civil bc we see each there from time to time since we have a mutual friend. But other than that she’s not in my life. I realize how toxic she was, how jealous and angry she was especially through that conversation and I’m honestly happier without her bullshit. Yes I still miss her sometimes, I don’t hate her, I wish her the best and I wish things could have been different but I’ve learned to accept it and move on. Sorry ur going through this OP but it most definitely feels like a break up because it is! And I know how u feel! 

Post # 9
Member
4053 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

MrsCallalily:  the friendship that I discussed in my previous post gave me a lot of pain for awhile too. I had no idea what I did go her to deserve her ignoring me. I went through the same thing, for months I was very upset and in pain. I couldn’t understand it but now that it’s been over 6 years I realize it didn’t have to do so much with me but with her own issues…

just wanted to say I relate a lot to what u said… 

Post # 10
Member
273 posts
Helper bee

Several years ago I completely severed my friendship with my best friend of 15 years. It was very painful but it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Our relationship always had issues but I never realized how toxic it was until I took a step back. At times she was a wonderful friend and fun to be with but her anger and resentment with everyone and everything was draining, particularly when it was directed at me. My happiness made her miserable. We had a blow up over her making advances toward my ex, who I was still involved with at the time and although she reached out twice over the years I have continued to have zero contact with her. When I first got engaged I was a little sad that she wouldn’t be there but then I thought about how her resentment would sour the experience.  Not to mention that she’d be schemeing and plotting on how to sabatouge the wedding. Now I can enjoy the day without having to watch my back.

Post # 11
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

lsp2015:  I’ve spoken about my experience a few times on this board but yes, I’ve been through that. I had a very close friend for well over a decade who was really manipulative and selfish. We had a blow up that basically revolved around me daring to have other friends and didn’t speak for two or three years. Then she came back begging forgiveness and claiming to have learned I was right and she had changed. Yeah. She didn’t. We struggled through maybe three years and finally stopped speaking after she was incredibly rude to me while I planned/threw her baby shower. She said a bunch of mean shit and then while my sister was in a coma/almost dead she called and I wouldn’t talk to her because I had only so much emotional energy and that was all focused on my might-die little sister. That was intolerable for her and she sent me a nasty text breaking off the friendship. 

Best. Text. Ever.

Seriously. Someone who is going to give you the silent treatment or throw a fit because you aren’t at their beck and call isn’t worth your friendship. It can feel bad and very much like a breakup at first but it’s totally worth it (like most breakups). I would suggest reading “The Friend That Got Away” which is like a collection of stories from women who have also dealt with this. Amazon has a bunch of other recommended books like that but I found that one really helpful. 

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