Post # 1
Ok, I realize that a.) I am a crazy person these days and just dealing with me probably qualifies my husband as a candidate for sainthood, and b.) my husband, even before I was preggo, did a lot of stuff around the house and definitely works harder than I do on house stuff….
I got really annoyed the other day when my husband told me he’d appreciate more help keeping the house clean. It’s probably not fair, but I feel like a.) recently- i.e. since not feeling like I want to die all 24 hours of the day- I HAVE been doing a much better job of helping clean up the kitchen, do laundry, etc., b.) I’m pregnant and therefore he is not the one who is essentially suffering from something I’d compare to a combination of depression, a hangover, a head cold, and dysentary all at once, and c.) yes, he’s mowing the lawn and paying the bills, but I’m researching and visiting daycares and going to OB appointments and looking up all kinds of baby stuff that I think will benefit all of us… so it’s not like I’m sitting on the couch eating ice cream and watching youtube videos of kittens while he is vacuuming the floor around me. I also spend an average of 2 hours commuting per day, compared to his 1 hour, so that’s something else that goes through my head when I’m being all self-righteous about this stuff 🙂
I’m having a hard time figuring out what is reasonable to expect of him these days- when I’m justified in saying “I think it’s fair for you to take on X amount of responsibilities right now” or when I should suck it up and clean the bathroom myself. I’d love to hear y’all’s experiences and feel free to tell me I am a lazy ingrate if that indeed appears to be the case 🙂
Post # 3
I’m not as far along as you but I’d offer this. Tell him how you’re feeling when you’re feeling that way – tired, nauseated, etc. Maybe he just needs a reminder.
Also maybe it would help to work on taking care of the house at the same time. While he’s mowing or vacuuming you could dust or do laundry. That way everything gets done at the same time and he doesn’t feel like he’s doing everything (not that is he but he obviously feels that way). Perhaps you could even suggest it when you’re feeling well so that you aren’t being asked to take out the trash while you’re feeling gross and exhausted.
Post # 4
In the beginning whenever I would complain of a symptom, Darling Husband tried to tell me he understood. Like when I had a bad headache, he would say “me too”. It took a long time for him to get that no matter how much you may think you understand, you have no clue until you are carrying an actual baby inside of you. He has finally gotten that at no point is he allowed to say “me too” or “I understand”. Now when he slips up and says that, he quickly catches himself and adds the addendum of “but I know it isn’t the same”.
In terms of helpfulness, Darling Husband is definitely doing more than before we were pregnant, but for whatever he doesn’t want to do, he just leaves alone until I get fed up enough to do it myself, I make him do it (i.e. a fight), or he gets grossed out enough to man-up and do it. Basically, I have to remember how much he has taken on in my stead and be thankful for that. I had to do everything in his stead for about two months when he tore his ACL last year so it helps remind me to appreciate how much he is doing for me now. Granted, I have to remind myself of this fact often considering where I am emotionally, but at least he is trying.
Post # 5
He’s been pretty understanding. I’m feeling better now but there was about 2 weeks when I was just soooooo tired. He started doing a first trimester countdown, I think to make himself feel better. We usually take turns cooking dinner and I had like zero appetite for anything much so he was pretty good about taking on extra work without too much grumbling.
Though he does still give me a hard time. I have him do smell tests on food to assess whether it has a smell that now I don’t like, and definately taking out the garbage and compost. He’s like why can’t you do this? I’m like I feel naseous the majority of the day, if you have to feel naseous for 1 minute I think you can handle it.
Post # 6
My Darling Husband is a freaking SAINT. He refused to let me:
- Clean the litterbox/dog run
- Clean the bathroom/use ANY bleach cleaners anywhere
- Carry anything over 10lbs
- Carry the groceries upstairs
- Wash dishes
Now, what do I think is fair? Most of that stuff is fair, I did have complications that limited what I could do when I was preggers. But I think cooking is ok as long as you don’t have to lift a heavy pot/pan. Same for washing dishes, no filling pots with water. I think it’s fair of him to ask you to clean, but not clean the BATHROOM which is the dirtiest part of the house, requires harsh cleaners, and is a small tight space that you probably can’t maneuver in anyway. Vacuuming? Could go either way. If you have a lightweight vacuum and don’t have to carry it up/down stairs then I think that’s fair too.
Mostly I would try to explain to your Darling Husband that you aren’t as mobile as you’re accustomed to, you’re tired ALL THE TIME, and that every little chore requires MORE effort because you’re toting around an extra little bundle of dead weight. So if he wants to make up a chore chart, that’s great, but he should be realistic about what you CAN and CAN’T do until well after the baby is born.
If all else fails, hire someone to clean for you. We went that route after the baby was born and it has worked out VERY well!
Post # 7
Mine was very understanding. Most of the time, it was me trying to do something I thought I’d be able to handle and HIM telling me, “Sweetie, YOU’RE PREGNANT.” I cleaned and cooked when I wasn’t too exhausted or sick to, and he appreciated it, but never got onto me if I spent the evening lying on the couch and asking could we have Hot Pockets and guacamole for dinner because that’s all that sounded good to me.
You’re not a lazy ingrate, but trust me when I say you have no way of rationally and reasonably knowing what is okay for you and he to each expect. Your mind is not working the way it normally does, and you are too tired/ill/overhwhelmed to even begin to think objectively about this as your normally would. Pregnancy magnifies everything times ten, so you feel EXTRA reasonable asking for certain considerations and EXTRA insulted when he doesn’t want to give them, you know? I’d just tell him, Honey, I KNOW some of this seems like I’m asking too much, but you don’t understand what I’m going through, and I just need this 9 months, okay? Because once that baby comes you’re going to be on your feet go go going 24/7 and you’ll be picking up three times whatever slack you let fall by the wayside while you’re pregnant.
Post # 8
My partner did EVERYTHING. I felt like swill well into my second tri, and he cooked and cleaned and did laundry during that time. Once I was feeling better he told me how appreciates what I do, once he realized all that entailed.
He took care of the dog, cleaned the bathroom, cook, took care of the outside, did dishes. My job was to unload the clean dishes (because I could tolerate that) and to fold clothes (again clean stuff was ok). Otherwise my job was to sleep, work and grow a baby!
Post # 9
My husband and I are working to find a balance. On the one hand in the first trimester he did not complain about me never cooking dinner, not cleaning, and sleeping or laying on the couch most nights. However he didn’t really pitch in either, so there were times when I’d get cranky because our home was a mess. We’ve reached a better point now. Thankfully I don’t have complications, so aside from being tired now and then, I am doing more of the housework and keeping things neat. He’s trying to help more and we are getting better at compromising, sharing the work load, and communicating better.
It’s definitely a work in progress, and I know it will continue to be as I get through my pregnancy and we try to manage with a baby added to the mix.
Post # 10
Darling Husband is responsible for most of the household stuff now, including grocery shopping. I always update him on stuff I’m working on for the baby and put up my timeline with all the stuff I’m working on for the week re: baby prep checklist so he knows and appreciates it. Similar to DG–DH said I’m doing a lot of work just by growing the baby and taking care of my health. I work and therefore, sleep a lot too and he is very supportive of me getting lots of rest. I try to cook twice a week, wash dishes as much as possible and mop every other week but other than that I work on baby prep stuff mostly.
Perhaps you could make a list of extra jobs he is taking on during the pregnancy transition while you are adding baby stuff to your plate. Then the things you will resume later after baby has settled in.