Post # 31
@Solny: First off, I’m sorry you’re feeling the way you are. Please don’t beat yourself up too much about all of it, you can’t help it. It’s amazing how such random things or even joyous occasions can bring out the ugly Waiting feelings. No matter how much we want to stifle them, they can really eat us alive at times.
That being said, I’m a little surprised at how many people are telling you to basically suck it up and go. While it’s great in theory and I understand they mean well, my first thought reading this post was that this isn’t a one-day only event, such as a wedding or something. Yes, it would be wonderful for you to go and see the baby. But the baby is still going to be there this weekend. I think that while you should try your best to put the icky feelings aside for now & jump in on the excitement for your SO’s sake… I also think that them expecting you to just up and take an entire day off work is asking a little much. Girlfriend, fiance, wife, whatever. Waiting a few more days until you’re off work and relaxed on the weekend won’t kill anyone. Work is work, people should understand that. I’m close with my SO’s family as well, I’ve even been invited to family events when he won’t be there. However, if I have to work, they understand. They don’t cause a stink about it.
I totally understand that everyone is on a baby high, it’s the first grandchild. I get it [fyi I love babies… I’m the type of person who makes faces at babies in the grocery store line up haha]. I understand your SO is excited and a little bummed that you have to work, but he shouldn’t be making you feel bad for it. Why can’t he wait a couple more days for you to be off? I think it’s a little unfair.
I don’t really have much advice other than I would try to put your feelings aside – for now – but if you feel you need to bring it up to him once the baby fever subsides, I’d definitely have a talk with him. Just tell him how you’re feeling and take it from there. *hugs*
Post # 32
Oh thank you all so much, lots of good advice in a matter of hours. I really appreciate it.
I think in some way I just needed to vent, and get some good honest answers back, with no emotional judgement that family and friends often come with.
All your comments really helped to straighten me out. I think I just got too emotionally wrapped up, and lost track of what was really important.
I appreciate everyone comments, but the following advice really stood out for me:
Just bc you dont share a last name does not mean you should not want to celebrate your expanding future family. If the roles were reversed I’d be very cautious of wanting to marry someone who was showing me my family didn’t matter.
So simple, yet so right, if the roles were reversed how would I feel towards the same actions or lack there of.
The fact that he wants to include you in such things speaks volumes to where his head is with respect to you and your relationship.
In reality, your feelings don’t have as much to do with the baby as it does your desire for your relationship to move forward (the baby is merely something that is bringing your feelings to the forefront).
Why am I so frustrated by him respecting and loving me enough to want to include me in such a important family occasion? So silly really.
I honestly feel that all this is coming from YOU only. And your resentment that you are not engaged yet. Obviously you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend are not on the same page regarding engagement then. I
I’m sorry but this is not a time about you. It’s about them and you are making it about you.
So true, I am being selfish and putting my own feelings ahead of many other people, many of whom, who have done nothing wrong but include me in a family moment.
I think that by you refusing to take the day off and going to see the new baby is definitely going to backfire on you. Not to mention, later, when you are engaged or married, you can’t share in that story with your husband’s family b/c you were too bitter and full of resentment to help share in their joy.
I so agree, no need to make life hard for no reason.
its not his brother’s fault that he and his wife started a family before you are engaged. why should your relationship potentially suffer because you dont have the rock yet?
This is similar to Gerbera’s advice. By not going or celebrating I am being to disrespectful to many important people.
I remember how it felt to want to be a real part of the family so badly. In a way, an event like this kind of drives home the fact that you are not part of this family yet.
This is exactly how I feel. I am glad to know I am not the only one that feels this way.
your Boyfriend or Best Friend is really excited to be an uncle. He’s probably not really thinking about what you’re feeling, but concentrating on how he’s going to be the coolest uncle EVER to this little person.
It sounds like family is really important to your Boyfriend or Best Friend, and alienating yourself more hurts NO ONE else but you.
This is so true, family is #1 for the SO. Thinking he is going to be the “Coolest Uncle Ever” is almost the exact wording he keeps referring to himself as.
All in all, due to my SO having a little cough I suggested it was better to wait and meet the new niece when he was 100% healthy, so we will instead go up on the weekend. I am taking the advice from most of you to just move past these feelings. At the end of the day, all he has done is demonstrate that he includes me into his family, and that is what marriage is.
Again ladies, thank you all!
(sorry that I don’t know how to reply properly in the correct format, bear with me while I figure it all out).
Post # 33
gotcha! Well, I guess I can see your reservations there. Once bitten twice shy!! I couldn’t imagine having to give up hubs family if we wouldn’t have worked out…must have been really hard on you. Thanks for that perspective, I honestly hadn’t thought about it that way 🙂
Post # 34
Thanks for the kind words! I also feel work is work, and finding time to fit in all the family events is something new for me. I have lived abroad for a few years now so I had gotten used to not having any of my immediate family close. At the same time though I am really enjoying the experience of having family (SO’s family) available at a moments notice for a visit (most of the time-
Post # 35
Hey fellow bee!
It’s okay, I know the internal turmoil you’re going through well. These kinds of celebrations give me a roller coaster of emotions – everything from pure joy to resentment to insecurity – wondering why I’m still “on the shelf”.
But, I have still made every effort to join these family events. In fact, my SO’s side of the family just had a baby born. I went with SO’s family on their first visit to the new baby. It was wonderful! I didn’t feel out of place until yesterday, because I read this in the baby book under visitations:
“The Smith Family & Jenn”. Hmmm?? It is true, since we aren’t engaged or married I’m not really part of the family. I probably shouldn’t be offended; it must be the waiting talking!
We gotta hang in there!