(Closed) How important are the long deep chats?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
6597 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I personally feel that they are very important, mainly because these types of chats were what made me know 100% that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

My mom told me when I was teenager to marry someone you could easily talk to because when you are old and grey all you have left is to talk!

I took this to heart and it was a big deciding factor into who I had serious relationships with.

When I met my Darling Husband we would talk for hours upon hours about controversial topics (abortion, religion, politics, parenting, etc.) not only did this show me that I could be with him forever it also taught me how compatible we were together.

We still have these conversations quite regularly, anytime something controversial happens in the media/news. We don’t always agree but we are always respectable of each others views.

I find these conversations intellectually stimulating as well as a good balance to our goofy/fun personalities.

Now that I have said all of that it doesn’t mean that I think you shouldn’t marry your Fiance. A relationship without these conversations wouldn’t be right for me but it doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship isn’t right for you. You have to decide how important this is to you. Do you feel as if you know everything about him and his opinions without having these types of conversations? Why do you think he doesn’t want to have these conversations? Do you NEED to have these types of conversations with your life partner?

Post # 4
585 posts
Busy bee

I read your other post. *hugs* I can only imagine how hard all that is!! Wow. I don’t want to go into details, but I had a relationship with someone like that, and I truly understand.

I’ve been with my SO for 4.5 years. I’m the type to think and talk and wonder and agonize and replay everything a million times and get philosophical…. and he is not. He sees something for what it is, and moves on. No need to keep talking about it. It used to bother me DEEPLY but then I realized… it really doesn’t matter! Not for me and our relationship, anyway. Those deep discussions are only one aspect of life, and I still have them, but mostly with friends, and I’m good with that. We make sure that we do communicate of course, but my relationship with him is 1,000 times better than with 2 others with whom I did have those long deep conversations, and both of whom I thought were my soulmates.

Those types of conversations are not necessarily a reflection on your relationship. I kept thinking I HAD to have them with him or else something was off with us, because that’s what so many people say. I think the only thing that is off is when you don’t have those conversations at all, because then you wouldn’t really know each other. We have them, but they are short, and I am perfectly fine with that. The length or depth of them doesn’t matter so much. It just comes down to an individual’s personality. I’m a talker and a conversationalist and he is more of a doer.

I let go of other people’s expectations of what a relationship should be and it was awesome. The first guy I had those convos with? We’re now divorced. The second guy? We dated for 6 weeks and it was H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E, even though we were convinced we were soulmates due to all those meaningful conversations! He’s still around, but we don’t talk hardly ever, and we’ve known each other for 8 years. The difference between them and my SO is that my SO shows me love and affection, they didn’t. He would drop everything to be with me from across town or across the world, and they would be too caught up in their own lives. He makes sure my car is safe, snuggles with me every night, puts up with all my weirdness, is good to my friends… I could go on and on. My point being, *he* is there with me and for me through thick and thin, and that is true love, in my opinion, more so than talk.

My whole point being, those conversations are wonderful, but they don’t make or break a relationship on their own. 🙂 My previous serious relationships failed for reasons other than deep conversations, and my current one, the man I WANT to marry, is succeeding for reasons other than conversations. hth!


Post # 5
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I’m gonna give you a cop-out answer.  It depends.  If you and your fiance already connect really well, then I would say though deep all night talks are not important.  I dont know what your relationship with X was previously, but in my experience, the long all night talks happened very easily for me when I first meet or date someone.  And if I don’t date that person, it can continue to happen for years.  For some of my friends, these long talks stopped when they have sex with the guy.  I’m not trying to put down your relationship or imply anything; I’m just speaking from experience.

Do you mind if I ask how old you were when you were having these talks with X?  I don’t want to offend or imply that you are immature, but sometimes age has something to do with it because you just have more time when you are younger.  These all night talks or long talks in general were very common in college simply because I could have them.  In college, I could go to bed at 5am and get up at 7am for an 8am class.  come back at 10am, and then talk for another 4-5 hours.  Can I do that now?  Hell no. I don’t have the energy I used to. If i have work at 8 in the morning, I need to be in bed by 11.  If I get off work at 5, there is dinner to be made, dishes to be washed, laundry, etc.  My fiance and I used to have these talks, but we don’t as much because life gets in the way.  He’s in the airforce, working 14 hour days plus 1 hour commute each way, so these long talks are just not gonna happen.  But it’s ok. I always feel connected to him.  =)


Post # 6
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

For me it is not important, I avoid those kinds of talks like the plauge. I just have no desire to talk about my feelings much and especially not in a long, drawn out way. There are those of us who don’t need or want that and get by fine without it.

It really does seem like you are comparing X to your soon to be Fiance and you need to not do that. Comparing the past to the present serves no purpose. Every relationship is different! If you are happy then bask in that happiness without looking to find something wrong in it.

Post # 7
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@WonderBee:  +1 

My Fiance and I used to have amazing long talks when we first started dating, and continued to do so for awhile after.  We were long distance at first and were getting to know each other.  Nowadays, we currently live together, know each other really well and don’t have these talks as frequently like we used to.  There are times when I truly miss our talks, because it really brought us so much closer together.  However, it seems to be normal that it will fade a bit and that you’ll tend to have heart-to-hearts only when there is a conflict or something more major to work out between the two of you or big decisions to make. 

Listen to your heart.  If things don’t seem right, they may not be.  If you find yourself looking for more, then maybe you need to have that chat with him.  I’m not suggesting you leave your SO, but maybe re-evaluate where things stand and you each make efforts to dig a little deeper with your conversations.

Post # 8
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

You know I have wondered about this a little too – my SO sounds like yours, plus English is his second language and I’m *hyper*-articulate so he can get a little overwhelmed by me! We do have them, but not all the time. In our relationships the real bonding for us is often being really silly and laughing together. At the same time, though, we’ve talked about the things that are important to us – religion, politics, moral issues etc.

I’ve had relationships where you have those long DMCs (Deep Meaningful Conversations) daily, and relationships without them. I think it’s important that you can have them, if there’s something significant you want to talk about or bounce off him, but equally I’m not sure that being able to be together quietly isn’t just as important. There’s a balance to be struck, always. You say that you’re happy in general, and I think as long as you feel you *could* have those conversations should the need or desire arise, you’re fine.  That’s just me though.

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