Post # 1
FI (25) and I (21) were planning on moving into a house together after the wedding. I just learned that my father was keeping the fact that he has been staying at the shelter for nearly 4 months hidden from me.
I’m really close to my dad so this made me incredibly sad.
My dad is not lazy or irresponsibe. He has had health problems for several years and had a kidney transplant a few years ago. He is an immigrant and has done an amazing job of learning English, but he has never made much money. Our house will have two extra bedrooms so I begged him to stay with us and he polititely declined. I want to keep asking him but I’m also worried about it affecting my relationship with FI as a newlywed. Has anyone else been a similar situation where they lived with others after their marriage? Would you have wanted it any other way? We’re young so I’m not sure if this matters at all. Any advice is appreciated.. Thanks!
Post # 3
I have never been through something personally like this. I do think I would be tough on a newly married couple to have someone else living in your home, however, you married each other “for better or for worse” and this could just be one of the tough times that you will go through in your life together.
Is there any way that your dad could just stay with you until he gets back on his feet?
Post # 4
@BookwormBride2Be: I wouldn’t want to start my marriage with anyone else in my house besides the two of us. I think you need to talk to FI about this before you insist on your dad moving in. The two of you share a house, so you share the decision. It isn’t up to you to invite people to come live with you unless he is in total agreement.
I understand these are unqiue circumstances, but at a certain point you need to live life for you and not your parents. I know that my folks would never want to impose on my family life or live in my family home either. If it ever came to that, I would give them money rather than have them live in my house.
I am an incredibly private person though, and so is FI. That is likely swaying my response, but I certainly wouldn’t want to feel like I was walking on eggshells or sharing my own intimate space with anyone else. If there was a separate entrance and in law suite, maybe, but even though, I wouldn’t be a huge fan.
Post # 5
Can you afford to pay for your dad’s living arrangements for a while? I would not want to live with anyone else (family or roommate), but I would absolutely help this situation!
Post # 6
I would talk to your FI first but in this instance, I would absolutely have him live with you but with boundaries, like he needs to get a job, contribute to cleaning, expenses, etc. but make sure you make time for your new husband.
Post # 7
I totally say that it depends on the situation. If it was my father, I would harrass him until he came to live with me. Shelters are dangerous places. Maybe suggest something your father could do to “pay” for staying with you all. So, that it is not so detrimental to his pride.
Post # 8
My FIs dad has end stage liver failure and can’t work and had also had extreme financial hardships. If I found out he was living in a shelter I would definitely invite him to stay with us. If your FI is okay with it then I would definitely do it. It might be hard but if you are in the position to help him then I would.
Post # 9
If FI says okay, I would definitely insist that he stay with you guys. Life isn’t perfect, and being a family unit sometimes involves sacrifices. family is really important to me and so there is no way I’d let any of the parents we are close to suffer like that. I’m so sorry your dad is going through this.
many people end up homeless through health problems and not because they are lazy or drug addicts. Many of them are our brave veterans. It’s truly a horrible thing. i would look at this as a way to operate as a team, make sure the expectations are clear and you have some built in privacy for you and FI. But no way would I let a family member suffer like that through no fault of their own. Hugs.
Post # 10
@BookwormBride2Be: I loved my dad and hes been gone almost 11yrs but if he was here with me and needed a place to live especailly given the circumstances and me and hubby had the space I would insist and definitely not take no for an answer.
Post # 11
I think it wouldn’t be ideal, but your father needs help and it would be wonderful if he could stay with you.
Post # 12
@BookwormBride2Be: I think this is an extreme situation and being a married couple now means not just making your own family but becoming part of each others larger family. I really hope your FH wouldn’t mind too much and your father would be able to stay nights especially since you have the extra room. If he’s worried about being too much of a bother, you could maybe arrange a system that would work for both of you. At least try to maybe give your father a key in case of emergency.
Post # 13
My husband and I didn’t live together before getting married, so for us it was necessary that we live alone. We got married February 15, and our apartment wasn’t ready until March 15, so we lived with my mom for about 3 weeks. It was so awful, but also because we were living out of suitcases and had no place to call our own. If we had someone moving in with us I think we could have managed better, but I still think my husband and I needed our alone space. In your case though I would perhaps consider it a much more extenuating circumstance and keep on asking your father. Especially since you’ll have a larger house, and not an apartment.
Post # 14
I think ideally just the 2 of you would be best, but the non-ideal still works. Once we were married DH and I lived alone. He had his place 2 hours away from me. It wasn’t ideal, but it worked.
Post # 15
If I had a father and he was sleeping at a shelter we would beg him to come live with us. We’re not married but have lived together for many years. Family is one of our core values.
But, you described a man with physical health problems and not a drug problem, gambling, stealing etc etc. If it was potentially dangerous to bring a family member into our home because of an addiction then we would be out on the street trying to help connect our loved one with a more appropriate support network. But we’d stay very involved (as long as it was helping and not hurting) etc etc.
Post # 16
@BookwormBride2Be: I would talk to your FI and see if he is ok with your dad moving in temporarily until he gets back on his feet. While living alone together is great, I personally think it is more important to help family when in need. But only if FI and you both agree.