How important is being in love for marriage?

posted 4 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 16
7118 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I do not think “love” is critical to a relationship because there are so many people with so many wounds that their “feelings” lead them astray. For someone with a broken picker (or a traumatic history where love and abuse or love and neglect are intimately tied together), it’s MUCH wiser to develop the capacity to look at someone objectively and say, “This person is reliable, responsible, kind, considerate, thoughtful, etc. They follow through, pay their bills, make good choices and l like and respect them.” whatever. To basically, “arrange” your own marriage based on a series of objective qualities and characteristics.

Love can develop in all kinds of well nurtured environments- especially ones where there is mutual kindness, respect, consideration, laughter and stability.

I am fortunate to be very much “in love” with my husband, but it’s taken A LOT of growth on both sides to get where we are. A lot of people (women, especially) just keep bending over backwards, putting in time and effort and “love” hoping it will change someone, when the best thing the could do is probably dump their SO and move on and focus on themselves and their own healing and growth. But too many won’t “because love”. One of the best things I ever did for my relationship was to dump my husband for almost a year, pretty early into our relationship, and then let him know that if he couldn’t show up and come correct, I wasn’t going to be with him, no matter how much my stupid heart loved him. The other best thing I ever did was to focus on my own growth and healing through therapy and personal development courses and trainings.

Post # 17
10607 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

First one for love

Second one for money

Third one for all his legal assets after he dies mysteriously 

Post # 18
2540 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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@slomotion:  Love this. 💘 

Post # 19
2235 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I think a marriage built on mutual trust, respect, shared values and companionship has a better chance than a marriage built solely on love. The feeling of being in love ebbs and flows, it’s influenced by a number of external factors. It’s not easy to maintain that constant in love feeling. I think sometimes people stop feeling those butterflies and assume they aren’t in love anymore. They might end the relationship or look for the in love feeling outside their marriage when realistically they are just in a less intense phase of love. I know plenty of relationships that have had nothing but love, it’s not a relationship I want though.

If you entered a marriage based on shared values and respect, I think love would build quite naturally, albeit slowly. I think if you are sharing the intimacies of marriage with someone – seeing each other when sick or vulnerable, possibly raising children together, sharing each other’s families, even just hearing the monotony of everyday life – love will build. It might never give you butterflies and it might not be ripping your clothes off passionate but the love would be there. The slow burner might be the long term answer because you focus on building the foundation rather than your feelings of being in love. I say this as someone who fell in love with their spouse very quickly (and a very short time after a distarous breakup) so not my situation at all.

I think my husband brings out the best in me and I hope I do the same for him. I don’t believe in ‘the one’ but my connection with my husband is something I’ve not experienced with any other person. It freaked me out to have that connection at 20. Love is an important part of our marriage. However, the love I have for him now is a lot different than the love I had for him at 20. At 20 it was very much butterflies all the time. Now I can’t remember when we last had butterflies and that could be scary if my marriage was solely based on being in love with him. Whilst my relationship started that way, I think (hope) my marriage has extended to a point where companionship is as big a part of my marriage as love is. I hope I can continue to recognise the many forms my love for him may take and not be scared that we aren’t in love anymore.

Post # 20
7691 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

This is very cultural, IMO. Forced marriages are always bad, IMO, but arranged marriages are often very successful and long-lasting. 

As other have said, love alone is not enough. In the US there seems to be a romantic notion that love conquers all, and it most emphatically does NOT. The reason so many arranged marriages work is because the families agree; there is a built-in support system in place for the new couple. People who defy family and friends to marry their “soulmate” (I don’t believe there is such a thing) often end up alone, with no support, and as the marriage goes on they find they have less and less in common (besides the passion that brought them together). 

So love can be important, but so are so many other considerations. And then a person needs to realize that they won’t always feel “in love.” There will be times when life gets tough and romance suffers. For those who think there has to be constant passion, it can seem like they’ve fallen out of love and have to leave. But no relationship is always roses and rainbows; sometimes love IS a decision and not just a feeling.

Post # 22
4098 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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@Mlim:  At the base of my marriage, my husband and I are really, really good friends. He’s the one I want to share things with, go on vacations with, talk to on my long commutes home (what a thing of the past). We enjoy each other’s company and enjoy hanging out with one another. We can have comfortable silences. We can sit on the couch, together, without speaking/engaging and still enjoy each other. 

But we love the crap out of each other. I am still madly in love with my husband. I smile when his name comes up in conversations, I get excited to see him, I look forward to spending time together. He still gives me butterflies. 

I hope that we always hold onto that love. My parents have been married 40+ years and their love has ebbed and flowed, but they’ve remained partners. They’re always friends and always on the same team. My mom has said love gets you through the hard times, but a strong foundation of trust, acceptance, and understanding takes you to the finish line. 

Post # 24
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2021 - Newport RI

I couldn’t do it without love. I feel like that’s what all the work is for. Not long ago, I wouldn’t have been able to marry the man I plan to. Not long ago, I wouldn’t have even allowed myself to admit I wanted a romantic relationship with a man. Because I could just as easily pretend to be straight, I like women well enough. I dated women who were strong and admirable and fantastic human beings whose morals matched mine, who were committed and paid their bills on time. Who were willing to work with my massive flaws, my “brokenness”. 

But I fell in love with a man. Who can do all of that just as well. I just had to wait, and work on myself. I had to, in both a personal and legal way, work to be able to have him. He and I are also both products of biracial marriages, which also had to be worked for not long ago. Love is what makes the work worth it, isn’t it?

I know it’s seen differently in other places, and as long as the individuals involved are content, that’s great. But here, where I have a choice, and my choice was to put in the work, I wouldn’t do it without love..

Post # 25
42 posts

I’m glad to hear that you are in love and found a great partner, but I feel like your post comes across as judgemental towards people who may not make the same life choices as you. 

Post # 26
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Every day I love my husband, and I define that by a simple mantra – he is my person and this is our life together. 

But some days I want to smoosh his stupid face for small petty shit – like dishes or not wiping the bench down right. 

But I never doubt that he is my person, and I love our life together. 

Romantic love comes and goes. But mutual respect, commitment and shared goals is the real definition of a successful marriage. We all need to stop looking at romcoms, Disney movies and celeb relationships to find our definition of realistic long term love. 

Where’s the movie where Cinderella finds out Prince Charming leaves skiddies on his tidy widies? I’d watch that.

Post # 27
570 posts
Busy bee

Ok this is going to be super corny I know, but the whole Corinthians 1:13 love passage defines it well. I grew up in Christianity, but I think no matter what your beliefs, that is a very concrete definition of (some aspects) of love. I believe love is a choice and while falling in love is lovely, it should never be what the relationship is based on because there is no foundation to falling in love. I wasn’t sure which version OP is discussing, but no I don’t think calling in love or having a head over heels moment is required, but I 100% think you need love.

Post # 28
1610 posts
Bumble bee

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@Mlim:  personally for me it’s imperative. It doesn’t have to be burning passion, but fully in love. That complete, unconditional love is Iimportant to me. 

BUT it’s not the only factor of course.  


To me IN love means it permeates the atmosphere and the air feels different around that person. That is the same devotional deep love I feel for my kids. Of course with a romantic partner  there are other facets to love, but that deep attachment is paramount. 


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