(Closed) How important was/is having a timeline to you?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

At the 1 year mark it wasnt important as long as our vision was the same.

At the 3 year mark it was essential or I would have had a real decision to make about sticking around incase he decided he wanted to wait another 3 years.

Post # 4
Member
2420 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

A timeline was and is very important to me. I’m very adamant about having kids before 30 and I don’t want to waste my time dating someone who doesn’t want to committ. Thankfully my SO is understanding and has told me that within the next 365 days I will have a sparkly ring on my left hand. We’ve been together for almost 2 and a half years and everyone constantly asks when we are getting married. We talk about it a lot and he says things like ” I can’t wait for you to be my wife” but I’m really trying hard not to pressure him too much.

Post # 5
Member
1294 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

The timeline just kindof.. happened. I didnt think too much about it because both of us have been on the same page now for a long time. So we just talked about it one day early on. Now that I have one though, and its been changes and tweaked as our relationship went on, I am so happy that I know its coming in 2012. I would feel a lot differently (less calm) if I didnt know he wanted to be engaged in X amount of time.

Post # 6
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

Those are definate signs that he has starting a life with you on his mind. Do you want to live together before marriage? If so, talking about maybe living together when he brings up not renewing his contract with his roomies would be a good way to ease into the future conversation. Also, a better job means he wants to provide for you and start a future with you and is thinking toward that direction. I think you should have a casual conversation saying that in _ amount of yrs you hope to be happily married. I think if you need to put out your hopes and dreams and not just wait around. It is your life too.

Post # 7
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

If you are comfortable where you are right now, you don’t need to push for a timeline – I think it is great that you are discussing marriage at this stage. He seems really focused on building a life for the two of you and is thinking about the future so that all sounds fantastic.

If there are practical reasons for needing a timeline – go ahead and bring it up. It is not an ultimatum or pushy for you to want to know where things are going in your own life!

I think some people think timelines are a negative thing or something imposed by the girl, but that isn’t true. SO and I are both SUPER planners, so it was natural to have the “where do you think we’ll be in five years” talk and sort of plot out what we wanted, and then naturally we narrowed down when we’d like to get married, and backing up from that, engaged.

We have a timeline because 1. He’s not an American citizen and we’re working around his visas and 2. I am YE OLDE LADY (or not, but I’m 32, so I need to know what’s going down for the sake of my ovaries)

I don’t have a bail date or anything, we just discussed when (in a years window so he can still get his element of surprise on) would be a good time for the two of us to take that step.

Post # 8
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I would want a timeline, you need to know if you’re both in the same frame of mind, and if marriage/family whatever is what you’re both thinking

There’s no point sitting about hoping, have that conversation, and also you should be able to have that conversation with the person you want to spend the rest of you’re life with

Then, once you know what you both want go for it, why again be the one sitting about waiting for him to decide as and when he proposes – the decision is made as far as I’m concerned, it’s a joint decision

Post # 9
Member
646 posts
Busy bee

Im on the fence. On one hand I dont want a time line because I want to be surprised, and I know that SO thinks of proposing as a surprise. On the other hand, maybe it will help calm some of my anxiety about WHEN it will happen. Also, if I knew, would I just be counting down the days, and not really enjoying what I have now??? I have a rough idea (by next year when we are moving in together), but thats it. I think it depends on your personality. And for me, maybe thats enough.

Post # 10
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

We discussed getting married, and I wanted him to know that I was serious so we created a timeline of within 1 year after that conversation. I felt like a year was plenty of time and he agreed. My SO now thanks me for telling him because he had no idea how much I wanted it and he didn’t realize how much he wanted it either. 

Our timeline was “may” but I already know he purchased a ring and I do not forsee him holding on to it much longer.

Marriage is a huge life decision, it’s not ALL about a surpise. Some people argue strongly against a timeline, but every man is different. 

Post # 11
Member
2894 posts
Sugar bee

I found a timeline to be essential. First of all, having a timeline does NOT take away the element of surprise. They could still propose at any moment during that period. Also, just because you both want to get married one day does not mean you’re 100% on the same page. You might imagine being married in the next 2 years but in the same conversation he thought 10 years seemed more ideal. But if you never say it out loud then you wouldn’t realize that your ideas on the progression of your relationship are TOTALLY different. I can see that being a big problem.

Second – you have just as much a right to understand the speed and direction of your relationship. A timeline is by no means a deadline. It’s simply a way of communicating the path of your relationship. I insisted on a timeline just before our 2 year point. I didn’t want to see year 3 come around the corner, feel ready to get married, just to find out that he still hasn’t figured out how he felt about “us.” So, I brought it up and we talked about it several times. Recently, my now DH told me that those conversations were the little push he needed. He was afraid of rejection, unsure of how to proceed, and very out-of-sight-out-of-mind and when I mentioned these things to him he said it made him realize that he really should be thinking about the next step and how to go forward.

There’s no reason why you shouldn’t ask. If it makes you feel a little more comfortable having a little more information then you should ABSOLUTELY ask him. A little comfort goes a long way, even if you already feel like you’re heading towards marriage. And an answer to that question certainly won’t kill him. 🙂 

Post # 12
Member
90 posts
Worker bee

A timeline is a wonderful thing to have.  I really thought I might be engaged by Christmas due to conversations we had about getting married (that didn’t include any sort of timeframe), only to later find out that Christmas is the earliest I could possibly be engaged with next December being the latest.  Without the timeline, I think I would have been very disappointed to start off 2013 without a ring…  

So a timeline is only important for you if you think it is.  Are you going to be disappointed if you aren’t engaged by a certain point in time?  If so, a timeline would be nice.  Then the two of you can be on the same page about this

Post # 13
Member
903 posts
Busy bee

A timeline is a must for me! We’re in our mid 30’s and do not have all the time in the world to start a family. 

Post # 14
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I kind of had a timeline. I knew I wanted to be married before I was 28, or at least by 28, so we always knew we’d probably get married around that time. However, now that we’ve been together for 5 and 1/2 years, we feel the time is sooner rather than later, so we’re getting married next year. 

A timeline wasn’t super important because I was 20 when we started dating, I just knew when I would like to get it done. I imagine if I started dating someone new, now that I am 25, I would have a definite timeline of when I wanted to get engaged and married. 

Post # 15
Member
3969 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Once I graduated college, was going to grad school in a different city away from him, and we’d been together 4+ year, I really needed a timeline. Unfortunately ours were VERY different, but we’ve compromised. 

Post # 16
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I really wanted a timeline because I’m in a verrrry LDR and I felt like I needed to know how long it would be this way. I really went out of my way to make my feelings clear (i don’t need to know exactly when, I just want a general idea, you don’t have to show up at my door with a ring tomorrow) and then I let it DROP. I only brought it up once more when I was drunk and pissed off and he then brought up a timeline for marriage AND kids. So, the speak-then-simmer approach worked for me!!

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