(Closed) How involved are BM’s supposed to be?

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Kate0558:  My BMs were spread all over the US. One was in the same city as me but the others were far away.

As far as what I expected of them I really just expected them to buy their dress, be at the wedding rehearsal, and stand up with me on my wedding day.

The one who was near me did come with me to try on wedding dresses (as did another when she happened to be in town).

A few came to the engagement party, a few came to my bachelorette party, but not everyone was together until the wedding itself. 

Most of the planning I did on my own or with my Darling Husband, mom and Mother-In-Law. I let them know I’d love their input on things if they wanted to give it, but I didn’t want to bore them with wedding details.

Post # 4
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Bridesmaids can be as much or as little involved as you and they want to be. If you’d like them to be more involved (e.g. help you research flowerrs, be a sounding board for ideas, etc.), then specifically ask them for help. There is nothing wrong with saying, “Hey sis, you are always so crafty and I love your creative ideas. Can you help me come up with an idea for wedding favors?” She can always say no. Your bridesmaids may just be waiting for you to give them some direction. or maybe they just aren’t wedding people/super caught up in their own dramaz/etc. and can’t help right now. You will never know unless you ask them nicely.

Post # 5
10288 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Having Out of Town bridesmaids makes it much more difficult for them to be involved. There’s only so much they can do from hundreds of miles away so you’ll probably just have to be content with them being pretty hands off. They should still be able to provide emotional support and help plan a shower for you (if they’re able to) but beyond getting their attire and showing up, that’s really all that you can expect from them given the circumstances.

All of my ‘maids were local and they were very involved. I had an amazing shower and bachelorette party and each one of them was there for me whenever I needed them. I didn’t ask for anything beyond buying the dress (of their choice) and showing up but they did much more than just that. If they would have been Out of Town, I’m sure the experience may have been very different.  


Post # 6
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Its great if your bridesmaids want to be super involved in planning, and if they have the time/ability to throw you a kick-butt shower and bachelorette.  But none of these things are required, especially if they’re spread throughout the country.

I have ONE bridesmaid who lives in the same city as me, out of six, and I still don’t get to see her that much.  She offered to help design the floral arrangements because she did that for another friend of hers and knew how much I liked it (I kept her company the night she constructed the centerpieces and bouquets.)

Some girls are super into weddings and want to be involved.  Some are not, and while they’ll be amped that you want them to stand beside you, they won’t go out of their way to ask about planning or offer to help.  And that’s fine. 

Post # 7
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

My bridesmaids are 1300km away from where I know live. Your wedding seems really far out, they may not get excited till this fall when things are a little closer. I like sending my bridesmaids pages of pictures to get there opinions on favors or Ill send them our invitation wording to see what they think. I was able to do my dress shopping where they live and they are coming for my fittings and things like that. On the DIY section there are great ideas for bridal party newsletters which you may find helpful if you want your out of town bridesmaids to get more involved and excited. Good luck.

Post # 8
1866 posts
Buzzing bee

@Kate0558:  I think it just depends on your personal relationship with that girl.  For example, one of my BM’s is my 15 year old sister and we never talk about wedding stuff.  She just doesn’t really care/get it.  She has teen stuff to worry about!  But my Maid/Matron of Honor is my best friend of 16 years and we talk/text/email daily and wedding stuff is always one of the topics.  My other BM’s will occassionally ask me questions and are generally supportive.  I know they are all pitching in financially for the shower.  I’m fine with what everyone is doing.  I don’t want them to feel obligated to think about the wedding every second of the day.

Post # 9
3241 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@Kate0558:  There’s not a one size fits all as far as how much a bridesmaid is supposed to be doing. Location will play a big role, it’s just harder to be there for everything if  the bridesmaid is out of state/far away. Part of them not mentioning your wedding might be due to your wedding being more than a year away or like a PP mentioned they are waiting on you to give them some direction.

In my case both my Maid/Matron of Honor and Bridesmaid or Best Man were in different states than me, so I didn’t have a bridal shower or bachlorette night. They did buy my hair and makeup for the wedding day, so we had kind of a little spa day together-my point is everyone is different.

Post # 10
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012 - Mother of the Bride's residence

All but one of my bridesmaids live really far away, so I’m not asking them to do anything but get a dress and show up. I will need them to help set up before the wedding, I’m sure, but I don’t know who all is going to be around so I haven’t asked them to do anything yet. I’m not requiring hair or makeup.

My one local Bridesmaid or Best Man has offered to help out with some crafty stuff and my Maid/Matron of Honor is going nuts because I don’t have any tasks for her and she feels bad, but… I don’t really know what to tell people to do!

Post # 11
23602 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

As involved, or not involved, as the bride would like!  I think that the job of the Bridesmaid or Best Man is to keep the Bride as sane as possible.  Sometimes that means, staying out of most decisions, and other times it may mean making tons of decisions and getting shut down.

Post # 12
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Kate0558:  Your wedding is June of 2013?  It’s well over a year away!  I’m surprised you’ve already asked them, let alone expect any kind of interest/action out of them.  No one is as interested in your wedding as you are – that’s just true for all of us 🙂

But yeah, all they need to do is buy a dress, show up for the rehearsal, then support you on the day of.  Nothing more.  I have a Bridesmaid or Best Man (FSIL) who hasn’t even dropped me a note or responded to anything I’ve asked the group (which is 99% NOT wedding related).  I’ve come to accept that she’s not really here for me and is just going through the motions. 

Post # 13
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

If they want to be involved there are things that they can do at a distance depending on there skills but that is all dependant.

Post # 14
2416 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My BM’s can be as involved or uninvolved as they want to be.

I, personally, don’t really expect much from them. They came and tried on Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses, and I believe they are helping to host the bachelorette.

I will say, my Maid/Matron of Honor is really out-doing herself. She has an entire binder of wedding-related ideas and is actively working to coordinate the shower with my mother and is the person in control of the b-rette party. She also went with me to get my dress with my mom.

They have all offered to help, some more than others, but I really don’t need them to do much….


Post # 15
2086 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012 - Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards

I think age and where you are in your careers often dictates how much the bridal party is invovled in planning.

When I was 22, my best friend’s wedding was the center of my universe.  I think we talked about wedding stuff daily. I drove to a salon that was five hours away for dress shopping.  I drove about that for one of her three showers. 

Now, at 34, we all have so much going on that I don’t expect that sort of time out of my friends.  They have husbands, two have children, two have jobs that are careers…we all work longer hours than we did back when we were younger.



Post # 16
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

you can involve your BMs as much or as little as you want. the distance is tricky however, so I’m not sure how you will manage that. also, with your wedding not being until 2013, they are probably not thinking that much needs to be planned at this stage.

if you want their input, opinions, ASK! 🙂

but these days you’re one of the lucky ones if you have a keener BFF as a Bridesmaid or Best Man or Maid/Matron of Honor who initiates wedding-related stuff with you.

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