How involved are your bridesmaids and MOH?

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

They aren’t supposed to help you. Just make a conscious effort to engage with them about non-wedding related stuff as well. It can get overwhelming to only hear about wedding. Keeping treating them like friends 🙂

Post # 3
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

stunnerrunner : I’m pretty early int he planning process, but I can’t really see mine being involved more than helping with picking the dress and helping out on the wedding day. And of course planning the Hens do

But then again, Fiance is a total Groomzilla and wants a hand in every aspect of planning, so there’s no real room for extra input.  

Post # 4
2936 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I don’t think your bridesmaids are supposed to help you with your wedding planning, that’s your fiancés job. Mine gave their input on their bridesmaid dresses,  a few of them came to one appointment to see me try on dresses, and some helped my mom plan the shower, but that’s about it and I never expected more.

Post # 5
801 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Farm

stunnerrunner :  My bridemaids were not involved at all. They let me know that they were available if they needed help; however, my fiance and I planned and DIY’d everything for our wedding and our Day of Coordinator helped to set things up. I wasn’t looking for any help from anyone. I paid for their dresses and my husband paid for the grooms attire. There were no bachelor or bachelotte parties plan. No one volunteered and I didn’t care for any of it and neither did my husband. If someone would have volunteered I would have been okay with it but I don’t regret not having any of that, as I didn’t want it.

Post # 6
5813 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I guess this is all about perspective, I feel like my bridesmaids have been very involved.  They have been excited about wedding dress shopping, looking forward to the hen, asking if I want them to be free to go bridesmaid dress shopping etc.  However they have not helped me plan my wedding, it’s mine and my fiance’s to plan so I haven’t expected or wanted them to actually plan. 

Jumping to the conclusion of these girls not being your real friends seems a bit dramatic.  What did you want them to be involved with? 

Post # 7
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

A bridesmaid’s ‘job’ is to turn up on the day, help you get ready, wear the dress you want her to and help with things like holding your flowers, sorting out your skirts/veil/train; to look smiley and pretty for your pictures and to help you celebrate your marriage.  And one of them may take on organising the Hen do, if that’s what the bride wants.  

For my first wedding, my only adult bridesmaid (MoH) lived 200 miles away so she did just come down for my hen night (which I arranged) and turn up on the day.  For my second wedding I didn’t have any adult bridesmaids at all, and Fi & I had a joint Hen/Stag/pre-wedding do.

Brides that want their bridesmaids to help out with stuff in the run-up to the wedding need to be very clear about it right from the outset.

90% of the posts I see about bridesmaids on here and the UK site I follow are brides disappointed that their expectations – which were never made clear in the first place – aren’t being met, or that other adults with their own lives aren’t prioritising someone else’s big day…

Post # 8
4637 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

stunnerrunner :  i haven’t expected my bridal party to do a thing other than turn up on the day. But my brother has sent me a to do list (I’m a BM). Everyone is different. 

Post # 9
236 posts
Helper bee

Mine haven’t been involved at all. I see my Maid/Matron of Honor most often (most times once a week) so I’ve chatted with her about wedding stuff but only for a few minutes when I see her, she doesn’t want to be bored with that stuff. 

My Fiance has helped me with most things or I’ve done them myself. My Future Mother-In-Law and Fiance did a lot of the favors. My Mom also helped with some favors, threw my shower and has generally been helping out with little things (but she’s retired and has lots of time haha if she wasn’t I’d be doing these tasks myself). 

My bridesmaids did provide alcohol for my shower and planned the couple games we played (my Mom bought the prizes). They are also throwing my bachelorette party which I’m so thankful for. We didn’t even go dress shopping, I gave them a color and had them buy their own. 

I’ve been a bridesmaid 3 times and other than games for the shower and planning the bachelorette I’ve never been asked to do anything else. 

Post # 10
4740 posts
Honey bee

I’m a little concerned that you equate “real” friendship with “how much stuff people do for you or get involved in your party.”  I would sincerely rethink that mentality if I were you.

These are people with busy lives (especially if they have kids).  Planning your wedding is not their responsibility.  Also your wedding isn’t magic – if you only chatted once a week or got together for dinner once a month before you got engaged, that isn’t magically changing now that you are planning a big party.  Would you expect their involvement in buying a new car, or a new house, or adopting a dog from the animal shelter unless you specifically asked for their opinion?  Probably not – those are all things that affect only your life.  In the meantime, they have things happening in their lives, too.

I’ve been a bridesmaid several times and the extent of my involvement was co-hosting a shower I volunteered to co-host and picking out my own outfit.  On one occasion I was asked to help pick a menu for the dietary restriction people because I was one of the ones with restrictions.  I was also asked to bake cupcakes for one, but I was paid for my time and costs and this is something I am known for doing in my circle and have done for other occasions.  All of my friends went dress shopping alone or with their moms, picked out everything on their own or with their fiance. 

Post # 11
3504 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I’ve been a bridesmaid 3 times and in none of those cases was I asked or expected to do anything other than wear a pretty dress, help out the morning of with some last minute stuff, and attend a couple of additional non-wedding events (bachelorette party, bridal shower, day-after gift opening and brunch – not all of these for each wedding, just examples of a couple of the events I’ve gone to as a BM).

Typically, your Maid/Matron of Honor or bridesmaids will be more than happy to help out with things here and there provided you ask. They are not mind readers, nor do they wish to step on your toes by inserting themselves into the planning process. Had any of the brides I was a bridesmaid for *asked* me for additional help leading up to the wedding, assuming the requests were reasonable and I had the time/money/energy required to do it, I would have happily obliged. 

It’s a touch melodramatic to suggest that your friends are not *real* friends because they haven’t stepped up to a plate you haven’t asked them to. Perhaps you are just a little stressed out and having a bit of an emotional moment. I understand that. I suffer from mild depression and I have several days a month where my brain does dumb things like convince me that my friends don’t actually like me or my fiance is just settling, etc etc even though I know that is utterly ridiculous. So I’m not going to judge you for having those kinds of thoughts, but I will tell you that you need to talk yourself out of that bullshit.

TL;DR – if there are things you would like your bridesmaids to be more involved with, ask them for that help. But don’t be demanding and make sure that your requests are reasonable and respectful of their own lives outside of their role as bridesmaid in your wedding.

ETA: For my own wedding – that is 2.5 years away so I haven’t gotten particularly far with planning lol but I will probably only be having a Maid/Matron of Honor and no bridesmaids. My Maid/Matron of Honor will be my sister-in-law, who lives on the other side of the country from me and has four kids, and the wedding is going to be a destination wedding, so I really don’t see there being a huge role for her leading up to the wedding. Day-of, I will ask her to be the point of contact for the on-site wedding coordinator and other vendors/staff just in case last minute decisions need to be made, something goes wrong and they need direction, etc. I don’t handle immediate stress very well so I want nothing to do with any of that, nor do I want either of our mothers to have to deal with it. My sister-in-law is a great choice for that particular responsibility because she is super calm, rational and intelligent. I trust her completely to be able to make the right call no matter what comes up and not have a freak out or get super stressed about it. 

  • This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  sboom. Reason: Added
Post # 12
2802 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

stunnerrunner :  Can you let us know what exactly you’d like them to help with?

I’ve been Maid/Matron of Honor twice and Bridesmaid or Best Man once, we did dress shopping, a bridal shower (all thrown by family members so I was not involved), and bachelorette parties and I planned two of those. On the day of we all get ready together, make sure the bride has a mimosa in hand and that’s about it! Any actual wedding planning is not the Bridesmaid or Best Man or MOH’s job. 


Post # 13
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

They were not involved in any of the planning of the wedding. 

The local ones came with me when I said chose my gown. We all went dress shopping for bridesmaid dresses together. They helped my mom with the bridal shower, and planned the bachelorette. And they are all attending the rehearsal and staying with me the night of the wedding. 

Post # 14
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

One of my bridesmaids helped me make welcome bags and picked up snacks for the day of the wedding for us to eat while getting ready. Outside of that, none of my bridesmaids did any of the wedding planning, and I didn’t expect them to. My now husband, our wedding planner, and I did all of the planning. 

Post # 15
198 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Most of mine are not involved at all. One of my sisters went dress shopping with me, and I know she’s very into planning a bachelorette party. I also talk wedding all the time with one of my BMs, only because she is also planning a wedding right now, so it’s fun for us to share details. My other sister and the rest of BMs are not involved at all. 

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