Post # 1
I am trying to figure out how much info to give my Future Mother-In-Law. We have a great relationship, but I can’t figure out if she is wanting to be involved/feeling left out but doesn’t want to step on anyone’s toes (especially since my mom is super involved).
Has anyone ever felt like they’ve made a mistake in sharing too much info with their FMIL? I don’t want her to feel left out, and obviously I am happy to talk wedding planning with anyone who is willing to listen! But in this particular case, being that she is family and not a random co-worker or something, I don’t want to share too much and then regret it later by having to figure out how to tactfully ignore/go against her opinions.
My Future In-Laws have already mentioned that they plan on hosting the rehearsal dinner, and my Fiance has said that they will want to contribute to the wedding day, but we have been engaged since February and they haven’t brought it up yet. It is not a problem since my parents are very generously paying for the wedding and the budget they have provided should be more than enough to cover it, but I know this is sometimes a factor in who is privy to planning discussions and decisions =).
Post # 3
If you have a great relationship with your Future Mother-In-Law, I’m not sure why you wouldn’t share with her freely? I would think you would like her to feel included. This is a good opportunity to practice disagreeing with her opinions, beacuse surely it will come up A LOT throughout your marraige!
It’s common for in laws to cover the rehearsal dinner, but I think it’s probably too soon to plan.
Post # 4
I’d just be honest with her that you can never get enough wedding chatter, and aren’t sure how involved she wants to be. And then kind of take her at her word.
Mine was very uninvolved. Pretty much just gave us money and showed up. But she’s kind of a tomboy, and even for her own daughter’s wedding she complained when she wanted to check out more than one store for dreses and was happy that she was doing a Destination Wedding since there’d be no details to worry about.
Post # 5
@MrsTVLover: Thank you for the advice! That’s a great point. Just to clarify, we aren’t planning the rehearsal dinner yet =). I meant to ask how much she should be included in the day-of planning.
Post # 6
It’s a fine line sometimes. I would rather overshare than undershare and offend.
Post # 7
I think mine would love to be more involved; she’s never had the opportunity to plan a wedding before.
I asked for her advice/input on putting the reception look together. I think I have a good idea on my own but she does such a great job with interior decorating that I wanted her input. I sent her the reception video of another wedding held at our venue, as well as my thoughts/ideas on how to dress the place up.
She’s absolutely excited about this. She’s also going to drive up in a few months to go dress shopping for herself, so I’m looking forward to that trip.
Post # 8
I’ve involved my Future Mother-In-Law here and there and keep her up to date on some stuff. She had two boys and was not asked to be involved in her other son’s wedding at all, so I try to keep her in the loop. She doesn’t really seem super interested, so I do try to keep it on the lower end of the scale. I’m basically doing this myself with a little help here and there, so she wouldn’t be stepping on anyone’s toes, but I tell her more than other people.
Post # 9
I think it depends on how you are approaching your planning. I involved my Future Mother-In-Law in something early on, but the ideas she had where so far removed from what I had in mind that I ended up feeling really badly about going with something that my Fiance and I liked, rather than what she suggested.
If you are worried about something like that happening, you could try to involve her in things that are less important to you, or that are a choice between a few options (i.e. cake tasting) so she can be involved, but you don’t have to worry about not using her ideas.
Post # 10
I would only share as much as you are willing to accept. In other words, don’t ask her for anything that could become controversial. Darling Husband and I didn’t really ask for involvement from our families because we’re pretty stubborn and particular (as are they) and we didn’t want to get into arguments and butt heads.
So if you really want her help in deciding cake flavors, for example, then by all means go ahead. I’m sure she would enjoy it especially since you have a great relationship with her. However, if she is going to stubbornly insist on chocolate and you hate chocolate with a passion, then I would pick to share something else or limit what you’re sharing.
Post # 11
My Future Mother-In-Law isn’t involved at all. She thinks we’re too young to be thinking about marriage, even though we’ve been engaged since July, lol. But who knows, when the day gets closer she may show some interest.
Post # 12
It really depends. Would you be hurt if she disagreed with your choices? I know that my Future Mother-In-Law is always coming from a good place, so I’ve not been hurt by any suggestions/opinions she’s shared. She’s also not the type to get all huffy if her expectations aren’t met. She also got a chance to help her daughter plan a wedding years ago.
My Future Mother-In-Law offered to host the rehearsal dinner so I sent her a list of possible places (she lives 2000 miles away from us, where we are having the wedding) and we talked about pros/cons of each. She also purchased the flower girl dress for her granddaughter. I gave her suggestions of what I thought would be appropriate and she ended up with something very different, but it’s 100% ok with me. She loves the dress and more importantly, the flower girl loves it. She and my Future Father-In-Law also visited our venue after we booked it and they were totally positive. I also worked with her to get family addresses. We browsed at wedding dresses online early on in planning too. Other than that, her involvement has been really limited. She did ask to see my dress but I just want it to be a suprise (only my mom and sis have seen it), so I politely told her “It’s a surprise! Can’t wait for you to see it on the big day.” And that was it!
Post # 13
I love my Future Mother-In-Law and tried to involve her as much as I could, especially because she only has two boys and Fiance is the first to marry. They went to look at venues with us, menu tasting, florist, cake tasting, etc. My Future Mother-In-Law went dress shopping with me and threw one of my bridal showers. I think it has been a very great bonding experience for us. Also, FI’s parents are retired and live very close to our venue ( whereas my parents own their own business wprking full time and live 1.5 hours away) so they’ve been so helpful throughout the process! We were fortunate that FI’s parents knew while we valued their opinions, the ultimate decision was between Fiance and me and they have never tried to sway us otherwise.