(Closed) How involved was your MIL with your first-born as a newborn?

posted 3 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 16
6023 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

We lived with my inlaws for a while after our son was born so they helped somewhat but only minimally. I was an anxious mother, though, and they aren’t as conscientious about things as I’d prefer so I didn’t really feel comfortable leaving my son with them until he was a few years old. He adores them and I also had to realize that he’s going to have his own relationships with people and some of the things about them that concern me are things that make them wonderful good fun to him. I just made sure to establish boundaries that I was comfortable with and that they needed to respect.

Sometimes, just having someone else hold the baby so you can take a shower and eat and put on different clothes can be very helpful. 

The smoking is a big issue though- my father and step mother smoke and they always made sure to smoke outside if my son was around (or close doors if we were at their house). Washing items that people give you for the baby should be sufficient. Giving things back would likely cause hard feelings (and justifiably so).

Post # 17
9327 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

misspenny2010 :  third hand smoke can be very dangerous for babies. Air freshener is not going to get rid of carcinogens. It’s all over clothes, furniture, carpet etc.

OP as far as the smoking, I’d tell her she needs to thoroughly wash her hands and put on a fresh shirt before holding the baby, along with the other things you mentioned.

Post # 18
699 posts
Busy bee

Westwood :  I agree 100%… which is why I am a little worried on how I am going to approach this with my parents. I don’t want to be mean because it is their house… but something has to give!

Post # 19
7446 posts
Busy Beekeeper

giaf1 :  You get to choose who watches your child. Period. My own mother is a smoker (on and off for 50 years – currently “on” again) and while she is going to be an AMAZING grandmother I’ve told her that she will not be allowed to have a carseat in her car or have the baby overnight if she’s still smoking. And she plans to quit again if I ever get pregnant. 

Post # 21
2001 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I’m not pregnant but I’m glad I read this forum because I didn’t know any of this stuff about smokers and babies. My mom is a smoker but she only smokes at home out of boredum. When she visits she doesn’t smoke at all or when she goes out of town on vacation she does smoke. She really only smokes at night (not at work or throughout the day or anything) so I’m hoping this won’t be a problem. I know traditionally with my moms friends they stay like a week or 2 after the baby is born and then the Mother-In-Law may stay a week….I’m not stressing about it now but I feel like that may be a bit much when that time comes. My cousin who has 2 kids tells me I will definitely want them there to cook and clean but Idk….I feel like hubby and I will want our space. 

Post # 22
551 posts
Busy bee

3rd hand smoke is extremely toxic and you should never set foot in their house and I’d be weary of letting my child around and be cuddled by a smoker because frankly it’s gross and yes I believe it’s a choice. I understand addiction but there are ways to quit. And my inlaws were not helpful, I did It all solo, my dh didn’t help either, even when I had 2 under 2 and my first born had super bad reflux. You got this without exposing your baby to toxins. 



Post # 24
600 posts
Busy bee

My Mother-In-Law is very involved.. She took time off after my son was born and stayed with me all day. She comes over pretty much every other weekend to visit. 

My mom is a smoker, I’ve made it clear that if she’s coming to visit, no smoking before coming (I won’t take him to her house because she smokes in her house), and no smoking while she’s here. She seems to be willing to do this. If your Mother-In-Law gives you stuff, washing it might not get the smell out. Hubby’s aunt is a smoker and she gave us some stuff at our baby shower and it reeked of smoke, even a few washes didn’t get the smell out of the blankets, I ended up throwing them out.

Post # 25
2171 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My Mother-In-Law is very involved because she lives nearby and is our form of childcare. I haven’t gone back to work just yet but when I do she will care for our baby during the day. She has kind of done a few things that irritate me but nothing major.  This is also their first grandchild period so part of her behavior is due to that. 

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