(Closed) How late is too late when your spouse/partner stays out?

posted 3 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 2
Member
10650 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

I’m confused, what is he doing?  Fishing at 2am?

Post # 4
Member
28 posts
Newbee

That definitely sounds frustrating! But since he’s not going out too often, it doesn’t seem like that part is the problem. You know that he usually comes back around 4-5, so could you try and assauge your fears by reminding yourself that this is what usually happens and he always comes back to you safe and sound. But at the same time, would he be fine with you staying out until 4-5am like he does?

I mean, I’m just thinking of how my girlfriends and I are, but we always sit around talking until just about that time because like your partner, we don’t see each other very often and have a million things to catch up on and enjoy each others’ company. Has he like, full “briefed” you on what they do during these hangouts? That also might help you feel at ease as well.

One more suggestion is try to keep yourself very busy during the nights he is out, so you’re not constantly wondering what he’s up to.

Post # 5
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

A girlfriend of mine is the same way with husband and it always stumps me. In her situation I think she is always considering his feeling and informs him while she is out on her timeline or whetever her plans are without him asking, she expects him to do the same. I think she also questions how he can have so much fun until 5am without her.

I personally wouldnt push him, you arent his mother and youll look crazy to his family/friends if you give him a curfew. If it doesnt happen often, change your expectations. on when you think he should be home. 

Do you have any isses with trust at all? Is that why you dont like why he cant tell you when he will be home?

Post # 7
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

Mlim :  Yeah I totally understand where you are coming from then. In your ideal world, what would you prefer? Him to go out after lunch and not get home until 11pm. So still be out for the same amount of hours, but at a different time of day, or just not see his friends for more than x amount of hours? (hoping none of this comes off passive aggressive/rude – completely unintentional :))

Post # 8
Member
498 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I wouldn’t mind what time he got in, unless it was a weekly occurance and wiped out his full Sunday so we didn’t have time together. I trust him and want him to have fun with his friends, I’d be fuming if he pulled this controlling behaviour with me. 

Just go to sleep, you wouldn’t be hanging out together at 2am anyway 

 

Post # 9
Member
28 posts
Newbee

Mlim : “I always would want to be home by even 2 and want to be with him. I haven’t seen him all day.”

“He hasn’t seen me all day and seems to be having fun and not wanting to be here.”

I feel like more than the safety concerns and your plans you mentioned, maybe it’s more that him wanting to stay out late is an indication to you that: “He doesn’t want to spend time with you and you aren’t as important or as fun as his friends are, otherwise why wouldn’t he be rushing home to be with you more? Doesn’t he miss you?”

Him wanting to spend time with his friends doesn’t equate to him not wanting to be with you/spend time with you or be an indication that he doesn’t miss you or think you’re not fun to be around.

Like you mentioned, he doesn’t go out very often, which is also a very large indicator that he likes spending time with you and that you have value and importance to him. 

I’ve felt this way many times, Bee, so I think I understand decently how you’re feeling. What I came to realize, through some months of counseling lol, was that it wasn’t about him being out too late with his friends, but that irrationally, I felt like I wasn’t important to my partner by him not messaging me back within a few hours, or staying out really late. What helped me get through this was keeping busy for the times that he’s out, and reflecting on what ways he has shown me I am important to him in comparison to him being out late (ie, we spend __  days/hours together in the past while vs. how long he has been out this time). 

Maybe my experience isn’t the exact same thing, but just try to be reflective on what his past actions have shown you, like all of the fun times you’ve had together, in comparison what is currently happening. In addition, maybe there’s a different way he can communicate with you to reassure you instead of trying to figure out an expected time he’ll be back. 

Sorry for the essay haha, good luck bee 🙂

Post # 11
Member
6524 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

Mlim :  in my situation its different. We have a 1 year old so I would be livid if he came home ant that time. 

Before having her, he would stay out until those times, but bc he didnt go out that often, i didnt care as long as he would check in and say hey im ok. 

Post # 12
Member
2128 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you need to address the core of this – he’s not a single man, it’s a little unfair to just swan around. It isn’t unreasonable to set some boundaries, but you need to sit down and talk to him about this. It needs to come from him, too. 

You don’t mind that he goes out, you don’t care what he does as long as it isn’t dangerous, but he needs to give you an estimate of time. If he thinks he’s going to be late, he needs to text you. Surely that isn’t hard? Then you can sleep without worry, not feeling like you have to check with him every couple of hours to make sure he’s safe. 

Post # 13
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I personally do not care how late he is out as long he tells me he won’t be home at night at least by the morning of and he keeps me updated on his eta. We both stay out a couple times a month and that’s fine with us, but I could see it being a problem if it was every night.

Post # 14
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Mlim :  I think you are being unreasonable. You’ve said yourself that he doesn’t do it very often and it’s not like he is just out getting drunk, he’s just spending time with his friends. 

Most of the time when I have catch ups with friends I’ve not seen for a while we sit up chatting to the early hours and I wouldn’t be able to tell my husband what time I’ll be home before I go out because I don’t know.

I think it’s selfish to expect him end his night early just so you can fall asleep. 

 

Post # 15
Member
2123 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

AB Bride :  lots of people fish at night. Sometimes all night. It’s normal.

Mlim :  He sounds thoughtless. I too would worry. I wouldn’t be able to sleep because I’d be wondering where he is and what’s going on. If he isn’t going to be back until morning then he should let you know. I agree that the lack of contact would be frustrating. Let him rest when he gets home and make sure he knows you’re happy to see him. Then calmly tell him you’ve had a bad night and have hardly slept, and in future you want to know that he’ll be safe and you would like him to give you an honest time of when he aims to be home so that you’re not up worrying. If he suddenly decides to stay out longer then he needs to give you a heads up. Remind him that if the shoe was on the other foot he would be concerned. 

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