How likely is this his baby? Please don't judge..

posted 3 months ago in Pregnancy
Post # 46
Member
975 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

She can do what she wants but if she wants him to pay any child support the courts will order the test per his request. If she does drag him to court it could be pretty costly, but just remember he does not have to provide any support until the child is born and test is done. Hopefully she doesn’t try and start requesting anything from him now, before the infant is here. 

Post # 47
Member
875 posts
Busy bee

jbake8422 :  It sounds like this girl and your boyfriend are handling everything responsibly. I wouldn’t involve myself any further. You can be supportive without getting involved in timelines and details of what happened when. November isn’t that far away. Personally, I would continue to date him casually, since he seems like a good guy, and figure out my feelings once the baby arrives, and he confirms whether or not he’s the father. 

Post # 48
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee

I would not be able to trust someone who had unprotected sex willingly. He has brought all this drama upon himself. You’ve only been with him for a few months, that’s not enough time to know if someone is “eveyrthing you’ve looked for in a man.” Does that include being irresponsible? I’m not trying to make you feel bad (you shouldn’t because you couldn’t have known this bomb was going to drop), I only hope you are really thinking about this. This is too much for a relationship that is less than 6 months old. 

Post # 49
Member
571 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Whether it’s his baby or not, I’d have a hard time staying with a guy who kept having unprotected sex after the condom broke. That’s just irresponsibility at it’s finest. It would have taken seconds to put on a new one. 

Post # 50
Member
871 posts
Busy bee

weddingmaven :  I agree. 

I could understand this woman not wanting to have amnio done since there is a small risk to the baby involved, but if it’s true that this can be accomplished with a blood test from the mom, which is no risk at all to the baby and only very minimal momentary discomfort for the mom, I wonder why she wouldn’t want to know asap. 

IA with OP, having her boyfriend go to the hospital and hold a baby that he’s uncertain is his- only to have the baby taken from him if it isn’t, this seems unnecessarily hurtful to him. 

I’m wondering if she’s disappointed he’s only focused on stepping up for his potential child and not asking her to get back with him so they can be a family. Perhaps he’s the better provider of the two potential fathers or perhaps she told them both and the other guy wants nothing to do with her either way. Perhaps she doesn’t have close family or friends to stand by her and she doesn’t want to be at the hospital alone- because if she’s planning on both guys showing up, you’d think that would be a drama she would want to avoid. 

 

Post # 51
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

It’s most likely the other guys. The condom broke but he pulled out, so few to no sperm were present to begin with. Then if there were any they’d have to survive the journey.The journey to the egg is rough and deadly for sperm and out of millions very few make it, let alone survive up there for days.

It’s unlikely to get pregnant from the pull out method. It really depends on how good your partner is at it. I’ve been doing it for 3.5 years and ive never been pregnant and yes my fertility has been tested and is great. 

Other guy unprotected sex with a full finish, millions of sperm competing to get to the egg. He’s most likely the dad. I would feel confident in saying he is the dad and honestly not worry about it. If on some tiny off chance it is his, I’d deal with it then.

To me it seems like in middle school when we were told you could get pregnant from sperm on someone jeans haha still makes me laugh.“I’m pregnant, guy 1 pulled out, guy 2 finished inside me. Who is the dad?” The baby is guy 2’s! 

Post # 52
Member
10 posts
Newbee

This is way too much drama for an early relationship. 

Post # 53
Member
983 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

jbake8422 :  so I experienced something similar and feel I can weigh in here as someone who has been in your shoes. 

11 years ago, I was 20 and met my now husband who was 27 at the time. We met at work. He had been single for a long time and both of us were only interested in a pretty casual arrangement. He was also seeing someone else on and off (they would see each other whenever they were single) but they were compatible long term. Long story short, I developed feelings and told him he could be be exclusive with me or continue seeing other people but in that event, I would be out because it wasn”t what I wanted anymore. He told me he was with me, ended up sleeping with her again (i assume more than once) and she got pregnant. When he told me she was pregnant, we obviously broke up but being young and naive and given that we saw each other at work all the time, we started talking again and eventually i decided I wanted to be with him.

So in my case, the baby was definitely his and there was infedility and betrayal and a whole lot of drama for a very, verrrry new relationship. My parents understandably, lost their minds when I told them I was dating an older man who was having a child with another woman. It was a mess. 

OP, the next few years were some of the hardest of our lives. My husband and I saw the ugliest parts of each other.  I sort of pushed all my feelings of anger towards him to the side so I could focus on just getting through the newborn/baby stage. I will say, he grew a tremendous amount and took to fatherhood very naturally. He had been selfish in the past and once he found out he was having a baby, his priorities became very clear and he was laser focused on putting the child first. He knew he didn’t want a relationship with the mother and they had many long talks about how being off and on was a pattern they couldn’t continue if they were bringing a child into the world. The mother ended up having a csection and my husband stayed at her house for 2 weeks while she recovered. After that, he spent 4 evenings a week at her house and would also go over on the weekends. He was always available if she called him because he wanted to be there for his child. This was very hard on me and while at 21, I didn’t have the maturity to understand the magnitude of what I was signing up for, I did know that the tiny baby had to come first. I met my stepson in person when he was 4 months old, which was the earliest his mother was comfortable with. His mother and I also messaged and got coffee often to try to get to know each other, which was tense but necessary. Around the time my stepson was one, life was finally settled enough that I felt I could deal with the foundational cracks in my relationship and my husband and I began working through the broken trust and betrayal.  I would say it wasn’t until year 3 that we were finally in a good place. Trust of course, is something that gets built over time through actions so while we weren’t 100%, we were both committed to nurturing it together. All this to say, it’s been 7 years since that turning point and we have since gotten married and have a daughter together. I am due any day with our son.  My husband is an incredible father and partner who tells me everyday how much he appreciates me. My step son and I are exceptionally close and  we consider his mother, her husband and their children part of the family. We were at their wedding and they were at ours.  We celebrate birthdays and holidays together and frequently have them over for pizza night because I think it’s nice for families to spend time together and it helps the 4 parents stay united as a team especially as my stepson is becoming a young man with attitude to prove it. My husband and I look at our life and where we started and I am very proud of what we built given our absolute shitshow of a start. 

all this to say, if this baby is his and if you choose to stay and support him, know that it is possible to make it work. But bee, it can be so very hard. Even without the infidelity, watching someone you love share such an incredible and life defining experience with someone else is not easy. Knowing that you are one of 2 women that your boyfriend is accountable to is not easy. Putting the stability and happiness of his child ahead of the needs of your relationship, is not easy. And finally, becoming attached to the child and becoming a fixture in that baby’s life makes all the stakes 10 thousand times higher. It is possible to end up with a happy ending and even though I love where my life is now, i would be hard pressed to tell a friend to put herself in this situation knowing how much heartache lies ahead before they get to the other side. I would say we took lemons and made the sweetest lemonade out of them, but man, it was really rough for a good long while. Really spend some time thinking about whether or not you can handle this.  Good luck.

Post # 54
Member
871 posts
Busy bee

elodie2019 :  Let’s go with actual medical science and not half-remembered middle school interpretations. The baby could be either guy’s and only a DNA test will provde a proper answer. 

Also, you are stating the sexual activities of people even OP doesn’t have first hand knowledge of and repeating them as factual evidence. 

 

Post # 55
Member
2443 posts
Buzzing bee

I find it highly unlikely the baby is his. 

If she is due on Nov. 12, the date of her last period was Feb. 5, so she most likely ovulated somewhere between Feb. 17-22. 

Post # 57
Member
983 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

jbake8422 :  I hear you. I was resentful of the baby. I was resentful of my husband for putting us in that situation. I was resentful of being treated like a homewrecker by his ex and her family because I think she wanted to make the relationship work and they had a longer history than he and I did.  My friends and family thought I was nuts. I thought I must be nuts too. What I knew in my gut was that if we could get through this hard part, there was so much potential for so much good. What I couldn’t know, was how hard the hard can be and it shows up in ways I didn’t expect. For me, I overly attached myself to his baby in order to make myself feel like I was involved and part of the situation instead of feeling like a lamp in the corner, watching my boyfriend have a family that didn’t include me. That said, he was very adamant that if I wanted a relationship with his son, he would encourage it. as a mother now, I look back and think the speed at which I became a caregiver in my stepson’s life was reckless but we also bonded and he fully considers me one of his parents. In general, being a step parent is hard. There are a lot of moving boundaries that you have to navigate and your boyfriend will also be going through a tremendous life change (if the child is his). He won’t be equipped to walk you through inthe adjustment. For us it felt more like all 3 of us were feeling our way in the dark. 

I’m 31 now, my husband is 38 and we have exactly the kind of partnership I hoped we would. Those hard years taught us how to fight and how to communicate. It taught us how to be parents and partners and about choosing each other. In a lot of ways, it set us up for a good marriage but there are certainly easier ways to learn these lessons. My best advice would be to be honest with your boyfriend and if you choose to stay, keep the communication open between the two of you. You are both going to have unexpected feelings and you need to try to create a space where you are both allowed to express those feelings, even if they are ugly. 

Post # 58
Member
55 posts
Worker bee

Yes stick aorund, the kid will need a clown for the birthday party:) 

 

Actually on a serious note: dont do this to yourself. Dont trust this man to tell you anything about a condom blah blah blah. It shows you a lot about his character to not stop having sex, he just went at it and pulled out. You belive that? Im sure you are a beautiful person inside and out. Dont stick around for this struggle love! You deserve a drama free life. Dont listen to other posters that stayed after the man had other babies because guess what? what did they win? nothing but bs and heartache. No healthy relationship takes “years” to get better. People with low self value stick around until they convince themselves otherwise. Bee, take time for yourself and love yourself. Let this man figure it out because this is only the beginning. 

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