How long ?……..

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
  • poll: How long does it take to truely get to know someone?
    0-1yrs : (4 votes)
    7 %
    1-2yrs : (21 votes)
    36 %
    2-3yrs : (18 votes)
    31 %
    3-4yrs : (8 votes)
    14 %
    5+ : (4 votes)
    7 %
    10+ : (3 votes)
    5 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    104 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2019 - Sandpoint, ID

    I’d say it depends, but for my husband and I, about 4-5 years. I met my husband at just 18 (I’m now 28 so have been together for over 10 years now) and at the time, husband was 23, almost 24. We were both pretty much the same people for several years until I was pregnant with our son. When my son was born, I was 22 and now-husband was 27, almost 28. My pregnancy was awesome, but very soon after he was born, I got extremely depressed and it changed me. I had never dealt with depression in my life and so it hit me really heard. My husband’s family had never dealt with ppd and so they said some pretty awful things to me during that time, which really affected mine and my husband’s relationship. We argued pretty severely for the first 3 months after our son was born and even thought of breaking up. My husband’s mother was the absolute worst at that time and I basically explained to now-husband that if he can’t stand up for me when she’s being horrid, we’ll never work out. (He was a serious mama’s boy at the time/iss the only son of 4 children/mother-in-law favors boys). He finally started standing up for me and focused on our needs as a family and we really grew as a couple and family. Since then, we have had our ups and downs like all couples, but we’ve had far more ups than downs. I’d say becoming a parent is one of the biggest changes that a couple can go through, and I think you truely learn more about your partner and even yourself when it happens. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    516 posts
    Busy bee

    Very interesting question. I agree with you that it takes a good long time to truly know someone and I scoff when I see women come on here after 3 dates talking about how “amazing” some dude is. Bullshit. You don’t know a damn thing about a person until you observe them *unedited* in all kinds of different situations. If you’re living with someone, I’d say AT LEAST a year. If not, I’d say 2 or 3 years. Also good to educate ourselves about people that possess the dark triad personality traits – they can be manipulative and can obscure their true character for much longer. People handle stress in different ways – some maladaptively. My ex-husband came unraveled due to unemployment and his father’s terminal illness. It ultimately ended the marriage. The traits that led to this were there all along … they just didn’t manifest until extreme stress was introduced into his life (he’s in therapy now and working on himself). 

    I think it’s vitally important to observe the people we welcome into our lives – friends and lovers alike. People will reveal themselves – but it takes time. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    4692 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 2017

    I think it takes a lifetime. We are always changing, evolving, learning. I’m definitely not the same person I was 5 years ago and won’t be the same in 5 to come. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    609 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    motherbee33 :  I think this is somewhat of a trick question.  I believe you can “know” someone after a couple of years.  But just as you talk about your husband going through changes this past year, we all experience things throughout our lives that shape us and impact our priorities and beliefs.  So while I do feel that for the most part you can know someone after a couple of years, that person can change, for good or bad, based on their experiences. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    104 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2019 - Sandpoint, ID

    motherbee33 :  That’s so tough. Our son is now 6 and he is so extremely strong-willed and stubborn. (I sometimes wonder if he has some sort of true behavior issue going on. We’re thinking of having him talk with a therapist). I’m glad my husband and I can lean on each other when he’s being a particular nightmare instead of becoming frustrated with each other about it. Extreme stress can definitely change a person as well.

    Post # 10
    Member
    39 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: June 2019

    I think it’s continuous and dependent on lots of factors. If you spend a lot of time together it takes less time. If you are facing many different situations, same thing. It depends how honest and open you are being with one another too. People find out their spouses had whole other lives or families that they didn’t even know about. You could be with someone your whole life and not ever really know them. Kinda terrifying, huh?

    Plus, people are constantly changing. Want to know why you’re still learning new things about your guy? He’s not the same guy you met 7 years ago. And you’re not the same girl. So it really is continuous. Plus, I heard somewhere that roughly every 7 years, you undergo a major personality shift. Not just small stuff, some big part of your identity. That’s totally been true for me, I’m a different person than I was 10 years ago. I still like me though!

    So if you feel it takes 5+ years… well, I would think you’ll just barely get to know someone and then they’re changing! They say that the relationships that stand the test of time are the ones that accept their new partners each time they change. My mom became a vegan about 12 years ago, and it became (and still is) a huge part of her self-identity. I bet my dad looked at her and was just like “huh… well that’s new”. Then they just figured out how to be respectful of each other and he never tries to get her to eat meat or dairy and they go to restaurants that have good options for her as well as him. And she still buys and cooks meat for him because they both decided that caring for and respecting one another was really the key.

    I think you can get a pretty good idea of who someone is in just months. With my now-husband, I saw that he was generous with everything he had, even when it was just a sandwich. I saw that he was honest to a fault. He demonstrated those qualities in his small, everyday actions and I will tell you, he has been just as generous and honest when it was the big things. So I think I got a sense of his general character pretty quickly.

    Overall though, I’d say it’s a tie between 1-3 years and never!

    Post # 11
    Member
    6409 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    I guess I would be of the school that says you never really, truly know someone. As other posters have said, sometimes things happen that bring out things in a person you may not have realized were there. Other times we are willfully blind to things we don’t want to see. Dh asked me to marry him within a year of dating, and we were married before we were two years in. We have now been married over 20 years, and sometimes I still learn new things about him or see things I had not seen before. Fortunately, we have grown together instead of apart. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    26 posts
    Newbee

    I think you can truly get to “know” someone (as in knowing their life background, family, general personality, compatibility between each other…) within about a 2+ year time frame. I don’t think it’s possible to fully understand your partner in anything short of 1 year. Naturally, as two people continue to go through life with each other, I feel like there will be some healthy & natural changes here and there, but that’s just part of life – growth. Life is all about growing as a human being. Becoming a better or stronger version of yourself as time goes by. But what never changes (or at least should not change) is the love you share for one another. That is the one fundamental aspect of life that I believe should never change. And by change, I mean falling out of love seemingly out of nowhere for whatever reason. It’s perfectly fine to discover new things about each other that make you love the other person even more, but nothing should by any means make you fall out of the love you share. If anything, the love should be enhanced and strengthened by navigating through life with each other.

    Post # 13
    Member
    27 posts
    Newbee

    I think time matters less than what happened in that time. 

    My house burned down on April 12th, 2018. I lost everything, including my cats. It took 10 months to tear down, get all the proper permits, then rebuild.

    My (now ex-) boyfriend of only 3 months took me in. It ultimately didn’t work out between us, but we got to know each other very quickly. He saw me at my absolute worst. He saw me sick. He saw my habits, both good and bad. All within 6 months. I’d still say he probably knows me better than anyone else  

    I won’t bash him here, or anywhere else, because he’s a good person and I’m so grateful to him. But I will say I learned a lot about him that ultimately made me decide that I couldn’t be with him. 

    I think a lot of realizations happened because we saw each other at our worst. We got that out of the way very early on. If that fire hadn’t happened, that might not have happened for years, or even decades. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    773 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey

    This is such a difficult question. When I think about friends, I usually have an instant connection if we’re compatible and in about three years or so, we either split or we don’t. I have been with my parner less than 2 years, so it’s hard to talk about that but my ex long term relationship also started to chatter around 3 year mark when I saw his true colours and didn’t like. After a little bit of stream of consciousness, my final answer is 3. hehe 

    That being said, I also truly believe that the big event you go through with a person can really affect the time. The more hardship you endure together, and I believe the faster you get to know each other like in jail or army people have ride or die friends after not a long time.

    Post # 15
    Member
    437 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2019

    I voted 2-3 years, but I think that is less “getting to know them” and more “the shiny glow wears off and you see them clearly”, be it a friend or partner. Like others have said though, it’s impossible to predict how someone will change. As you have kids, lose parents, make tough job decisions, have health issues, things may change and all you can do is hope it’s not for the worse. 

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