Post # 16
I don’t think you truly know someone until you live with them, then you see all their bad and weird habits, they can’t just decide they’re not gonna see one day because they in a bad mood or they’re tired etc. they have to be around you even if they don’t want to be and vice versa.
There’s no set answer for this imo, it really depends on how often a couple sees each other, how open they are and if they’ve been through tough situations. For work and financial reasons I moved in with my fiancée three months after we met, so I felt after 1-2 years I knew her really well. I’ve seen people on the tv show Catfish have online long distance relationships that lasted 7 years or more and they didn’t know that person at all, practically everything they thought they knew was a lie, so really time doesn’t necessarily mean you know someone better.
Post # 17
amwf : I am so sorry that happened to you. Totally heartbreaking.
Post # 18
I think the correct answer is, it depends and everyone is different. I felt i truly knew my husband 6 months in and 7 years later he’s pretty much the same person. I also don’t believe that adults change all that much when it comes to who they are. They may lie to you about who they are or hide it very well but that’s different then them changing who they are. At least that’s how it’s been in my experience.
Post # 19
I’ve had a few friends who were those who repeatedly “fell in love” immediately after starting to date someone and I would always say (after cringing), don’t make any major decisions until you’ve seen them through all four seasons, so – one year.
That said, different circumstances make this a little tough to answer, but I think generally speaking, if you’re really paying attention, and really being honest (with yourself….have no blinders on), you can know someone within 2 years-ish. Your basic character is what it is, and, absent extenuating circumstances, won’t change. It does, however, take a little life experience to really recognize how certain character traits might translate into future life events. As an elder-bee, I may see things through a different lens than I used to (so maybe 2 years is easy for me to say). I realize when you’re young, it’s easy to get caught up in looks or other superficial things that may cloud your ability to see things for what they are. 🤷♀️
Post # 20
It’s impossible to quantify. Ages and life stages are the controlling variables. We don’t really settle into who we are until we mature biologically and have lived some life.
That said, much of who we are will, indeed, remain stable over time. Anectodatally, I have noticed that the really bad stuff often gets worse with age. I suspect it has to do with the filtering mechanisms failing, and the just not giving a shit that comes with making peace with who you are.
Conversely, *some* troublesome people will soften a bit with age.
I agree with lifeisbeeutiful. Knowing someone is a lifetime project. We can never come to truly *know* another human. I think the better pursuit would be learning to read people as early on as possible. Retired FBI agent Joe Navarro has a boatload of books and videos on exactly that.
Post # 21
motherbee33 : I’m not sure I’d call myself an elderbee, but D.H. and I have been together for 12 years. We also started dating really young, so there were definitely things about each of us that changed. Thankfully, we (mostly) grew together.
Despite all the changes, many large and potentially dealbreaking (religion, politics, career, etc), D.H. is still at heart the same person I fell for as a young college kid: intellectual, curious, considerate, introverted, sarcastic, generous with his time, etc. I think I am the same personality-wise as I was when I was younger, just more secure in who I am.
So in that sense, I think you can get to know who someone is pretty quickly, but need time to go through life together, especially if you’re younger when you meet, to see if you grow together and still can envision a life together after the glowy “newness” wears off. It can be easy to get swept up in the honeymoon stage and that can keep a person from acknowleging some of a person’s less desirable traits.
Post # 22
motherbee33 : I think it takes about 1-2 years to get someone’s baseline. In most of my relationships the negative character traits showed up within 3-4 months. Depending on how much time you spend with the person, they are likely to slip up. I did not live with any of them and their bad side showed up soon enough. A key to weeding people out for me is not just how they treat me, but how they treat/interact with other people. A person can be sweet as cake to me, but if he is ugly to other people, I’m gone. It’s only a matter of time before I’ll be next.
However, as people have mentioned people are changing and truly knowing someone is a lifetime work, but figuring out if they are compatible can usually be figured out in 2 years. Personally, I think going through 2 year-cycles is not a bad idea before tying the knot.
Post # 23
Thanks for all the great responses I think u all have great points some of which I hadn’t thought of
Darling Husband and I have actually known each other off and on since we were 11 and 12 we met as kids in Sea cadets and I fell madly in love with him and was always obsessed with him as the years
Then met up again on a dating site and have been inseperable since so we have known each other for a long long time really
Post # 24
I don’t think it’s about months or years, but more about experiences. You have to see them at their best and at their worst to know who they really are.
Sure, everyone is great when things are going well for them, but throw in a death or illness or job loss and financial hardship and see how they handle themselves.
Post # 25
Never, I feel like we never get to TRUELY know someone. Its just impossible, even in a lifetime because people are too complex for one person to know all facets of another person.