(Closed) How long before being engaged starts to feel like dating with a ring?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2999 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Iluvmydog:  I would just lay it out there like you said, ‘I don’t think I should stand for ‘indefinite’ as my wedding date.  I want to move along with my life and also start our lives together married.  I also want to have kids and I’m already almost 35.  I’m scared if I wait any longer, I’ll never be able to have them.’

Post # 5
Hostess
16195 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Is marriage negotiable for you, or are you heartset on getting married? I think that’s the first question to answer. Then, it’s the painful task of figuring out whether he shares your feelings.

Tell him why marriage is important to you. Ask him why he doesn’t feel compelled to get married. Ask him where he sees your relationship going if you don’t get married, especially in terms of kids, etc.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this hun. Don’t give up hope yet!

Post # 6
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I know you said you felt like pre-marital counseling was a waste of your money since he didn’t participate, but I would definitely suggest that again. I think jpalm13’s approach is great, and if he gets defensive/won’t budge bring up the counseling again and mention that he HAS to participate this time since he didn’t last time and your relationship did not improve. Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

If he is say ‘indefinitely’ is a possible timeframe, to me that equals “I don’t really want to get married.”  I have a friend in a similar situation– they dated around 5-6 years and he proposed last June.  They were hoping for a short engagement with a small wedding but then a bunch of money issues came up so all plans are on hold.  And they both just feel like they’re just “dating with a ring.”  But they also don’t live together…

It doesn’t sound like money or other logistical problems are causing your FI’s issue.  Especially if you want to have a family with the man you marry, I think you really need to figure out if he’s serious about getting married or if he proposed for some other reason?

In another post someone advocated using lots of “I statements”.  So “I feel like you aren’t really serious about wanting to marry me.”  or “I feel like there’s something holding you back from us actually getting married.  Is there something bothering you/something I need to know?”

Post # 8
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

He doesn’t want to get married and isn’t being honest. If marriage is something that is a must for you, then I would consider leaving. I would also make sure he understands your desire for children sooner than later.

Post # 9
Member
11418 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@Iluvmydog:  I’m going to be honest with you.  Your Fiance does not sound as if he has any reason or incentive to get married now, any time soon, or perhaps even ever.  He clearly loves you.  He clearly wants to be with you.  But he also clearly likes the way things are.  He’s happy with his current life. He’s living together with you as if you are already married, and he is receiving most of the benefits of being married — without having to actually make a formal, legal, lifetime commitment to you. 

That, however, is clearly NOT what you want, and not at all what you bargained for when you agreed to move in with him after you became engaged.  This makes me wonder why he proposed to you and gave you a ring.  Was it so that you would agree to live with him?

I am so sorry that you and many other women are going through this.  However, this is another real-life example of why I personally do not believe in living together outside of marriage. (In the spirit of full disclosure, my primary belief against this is because of my faith.  However, I am on these boards frequently, and almost every week there is at least one bee who is in a similar situation to you.  So there are very real, concrete, practical reasons as well.)

If I were you, I would clearly articulate my position with him by telling him that you agreed to move in with him after your engagement on the premise that you would be getting married, and getting married soon.  Based on what HE is telling you, that no longer seems to be a priority for him.  Tell him that, although you love him and very much want to be his wife, you are not willing to continue to live with him as an engaged woman indefinitely, and that, if you two do not now come to an agreement on a definitive timeframe for your wedding, you are going to move out and  begin focusing on moving forward with your own life.

Post # 10
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

He sounds a little like my Fiance did for a while. For him he couldnt be bothered with all the planning and work and didnt understand all of it very well. Ask him if he is ok with you making decission and if he will support you in them. Ask for anything that he feels strongly about… location, feel, amount of people, guests etc. and take these and go plan. Obviously if it is an issue where he just doesnt know if he wants to get married well thats somehting that needs to be taken car of but other whise start planning. I send concise wedding emails to Fiance if I want his opinion and give him a day or two to think about it. An example would be our invitation wording… two examples he picks one and where done. If I show him 20 pages in a magazine he cant handle the overload of information. Good luck.

Post # 12
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Mmmmm thats a little odd. Well not much I can suggest that none of the ther ladies have.

Post # 13
Member
2414 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Yikes…I don’t kow…we got engaged and set a day, albeit almost two years away, immediately. You need to get to the bottom of this now and figure out if marriage is what he really wants. Let us know how it goes!

Post # 14
Member
5177 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

@Brielle:  I agree that he does not sound like he really wants to be married.

I am not sure of the circumstances of your proposal or leading up to it, but it sounds like to me he was not fully into it.

I know not everyone will agree with this, but I personally believe that couples should get engaged when they are actually ready to get married, both individually and in terms of the relationship. I don’t see it as a “try out period”, or the time to get the relationship all “ready for marriage”. If you aren’t ready to get married, don’t get engaged.

I am only saying that as I think your Fiance feels very differently about engagement than I do. It sounds to me like he either saw it as try out period, or as an indefinite step, or a way to get some pressure off of him. To him an engagement does not seem to mean a readiness to marry you. Hence, his reluctance to set a date or to even confirm that you are going to get married!

I think it is time to have a serious one on one to find out what each other’s expectations are, and, quite honestly, I would suggest that if he is not ready to get married, you give him back the ring (assuming you received one) and put off an engagement either for now, or indefinitely, and evaluate whether your wants and desires for this relationship are compatible with his. I don’t think marriage is required for a couple to have a long, happy and healthy life together, but I DO think that being on the same page about marriage (whether to choose it or not) is indeed very important.

 

 

Post # 16
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee

It sounds like he only gave you a ring to pacify you and keep you quiet, but he has no intention of actually marrying you. If he won’t set a wedding date within the next couple of years, I’d consider leaving…

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