(Closed) How long can you stay on the waiting list, feeling so discouraged now.

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1762 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Aww hugs..I think some guys need to feel independent financially and established. Everything takes time I know the feeling I hope it works out for you guys as for the waiting list Im not to sure if theres a time limit.

Post # 4
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

A lot of men feel like they need to meet certain financial criteria before they feel like they can adequately provide for their fiancé or wife. In any case, 2 year. Is quite a bit of time. Perhaps by that time you will be in an apartment and not living with parents. If you’re so upset about it, you should bring up the idea of a compromise to him — get engaged regardless of having a place, but don’t make plans to marry until you have all of your ducks in a row. As for the waiting list — waiting is waiting, whether it be 2 weeks or 2 decades!

Post # 5
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’m really sorry. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but it seems like it’s all money at this point. Just encourage him as much as you can.

Post # 6
Member
1416 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My SO said some what the same thing a while back. But it looks like it’s coming for me within the next few months.

  You should talk to your SO and see if somethings bugging him. Or if someone else is asking him when he is going to propose alot. Maybe he is under alot of pressure?

  I’d talk it out with him. From what you wrote it seems like he’s easy to talk to?

  Good luck and HUGS!

Post # 7
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee

Is he talking about buying a place or just renting?

If he means renting, then I kind of agree. There’s no point getting engaged if you can’t afford to get married and live together as a married couple. How can you afford to get married if you can’t even afford a place to live?

If he’s talking about buying, then I totally disagree. In fact I wouldn’t buy an apartment with a man I wasn’t at least engaged to.

Post # 8
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think you should take a breather and a break from all the wedding plannin and wishing and hoping. While I was waiting, I had to do it. I stepped back to gain some perspective on my real life.

If you are always looking into the future for your happiness, you will miss the happiness of today. All the wedding talk might be turning him off. It was turning my Fiance off. Sometimes talking about it too much makes the man wait longer because he doesn’t want to feel as if he’d been nagged into it, or for you to feel as if you nagged him into it. So vent here, keep ANY wedding dreaming that you are doing private and secret from the public. I saw my name come up in Google with my pinterest board, and I flipped out. I changed it immediately because I didn’t want my family, friends, or his to see me doing that and start asking questions, and putting undo pressure on us.

My Fiance started seriously talking engagement in March. We got engaged in July. Okay now for the kicker. I started talking engagement 4 years into our now 9 year relationship. So what I’m saying is this–you are not going to talk him into it, and if he isn’t talking it, then he isn’t ready to do it. Let him bring it up on his own. This is advice from someone who harped on it until her fiance left the entire state to get away from her. It took him almost 2 years to realize he couldn’t do this life without me and now we’re engaged. So just be careful and do not over pressure him. 

Post # 9
Member
2493 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Gorjuss:  I wouldn’t agree with the house thing per say, but that’s because where I live you need $100,000 to start buying a single family home. Achievable over time, but most people here rent as newlyweds.

 

Anyways, I would say that I can’t argue with anything he said, because my Darling Husband and I felt the same way before we got engaged. We knew after about 6 months it would happen, and it took a few years after that for the engagement. We moved in together after 8 months of dating, but he basically supported me because my min wage job just covered rent and a bit of food. After a few months I managed to score a job, but it was temp and had no permanancy. Because of that, we felt we should wait. I finally got a full time, good paying position, and s**t hit the fan. Because of that, we were broke, doing a crazy move, and it took awhile for us to get back on our feet. When we did, his dad got really sick.

Finally, (finally!!) at Christmas it was right.

The point of what I’m saying is he is giving you a set of criteria to use, just not by date. From what you wrote, it seems that he expects to be able to get an apartment with you and find a job within two years, but he doesn’t want to put any promises on it, because he can’t be 100% sure. Sometimes, like my Darling Husband and I, you have all these great plans (get engaged after a year) and they take much, much longer to complete. In the end, looking back, I can say there were a few special occassions I was MAD that nothing happened, but I think he chose the right time in our lives.

Alternatively, if you want to get engaged with a long engagement, why not suggest that to him? He might see engagement as the quick step before marriage, while long engagements are becoming more common. Maybe that would be a compromise for both of you.

Post # 10
Member
1405 posts
Bumble bee

@Gorjuss:  I agree 100%.  How can anyone expect to get married when they can’t afford to move out of their parents house?

Post # 11
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Your SO sounds like he has the right idea. You both should have some money saved up and at least be able to live together as a married couple. I think that would be a better goal than just getting engaged.
 

Post # 12
Member
4653 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think instead of focusing on the engagement you should focus on getting a better job and getting out from under your parents house. Start saving your own money and the engagement will happen when it happens. Most peoples reasons for divorce is money, So he is right for wanting to be stable before making the next step.

Post # 13
Member
2224 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I have to respectfully disagree with some of my fellow bees. My SO and I want to get engaged before the year is out and we agree we want to wait to get married until I’m done with school (about 4 or 5 years). We want to make the commitment and promise to eachother that we intend to marry, just not getting married tomorrow. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that or that there’s no point. Different people need different engagements and as long as both people are happy, I think that’s what’s most important.

OP, I agree with everyone that you need more discussion with your SO. Just to find out what’s bothering him. Don’t push for any movement, just find out what is going on. I also agree that you should try doing your best to find a better paying job, work more hours, etc. to help move things along financially. Though I agree, in this economy that is pretty much impossible. Have hope OP, you can’t be destined to live at home your WHOLE life 🙂

Post # 14
Member
370 posts
Helper bee

@Omgbunnies:  I’m going to politely add in my opinion here if you don’t mind. I truely beleive thats theres really no point in getting engaged until you are ready to start planning a wedding. Thats what engagement is otherwise you might as well stay bf/gf situation for the time being a ring symbolizes both being ready to marry and to move forward with the relationship and start the planning process.

Post # 15
Member
2564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I think as many other posters have said, it boils down to men wanting to feel like they can be financially secure for their woman/future families.

When SO took me to a store to look at rings I thought “omg here it comes!” but now s*** is hitting the fan with other stuff, but I look back on that now and think “ok, that was his way of telling me he’s in it to win it with me, now we’ve just gotta get through this rough patch before he can feel comfortable enough to propose.”  I hate waiting, but if it will give us a better start on our marriage I am all for it.

We’ve had lots of good talks since, and I think communication is so key with stuff like this.  Good luck!

Post # 16
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

@mrs_pudding_pop:  +1.

I think that getting OUT of your current living situations and becoming financially independent (not dependant on your SO for stable income) is the first step on the road to engagement. This isn’t 20-30 years ago where we went straight from our father’s homes to our husbands. My SO and I started our relationship in bad places. His living situation was less then ideal (squatting) and I was finishing university while living with my parents. We were like that for 3 years until we were finally ready to get our own place. Your SO can’t think about how to give you the ring he thinks you deserve (for being awesome you) when he is coming up with how he is going to pay the Rent & the bills this month. It just isn’t fair.

When I knew that I wanted to spend my life with my lover (smexy) I knew the first thing I needed to straighten out was my wallet.

Work hard, Love your Man, Support him in getting his sh*t together and have faith that he is gonna do right by you. 3 years is not a long time (5 years, yes…), especially when you guys aren’t financially stable yet.

 

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