(Closed) How long did it take you to get over a long-term relationship breakup?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I separated from my now-ex-husband 3 years ago. We were in a little bit of a unique situation and had to continue to live in the same house for 3 months after we decided to end things. Let me tell you! The blinders were off and I really finally saw how selfish and obnoxious he was to live with. He didn’t give a crap about me or how his behavior affected me and my daughter. By the end of the 3 months I couldn’t have gotten him out of my house fast enough! I was SO over it and couldn’t believe I’d put up with it for as long as I had! Talk about being young and not knowing what was a healthy relationship (we met when I was 20 and married when I was 21).

We were together for about 10 years, married for about 8. I was totally over him when he moved out but not over the hurt/failed marriage/feeling like I failed my daughter. I still have a hard time feeling like the divorce has screwed up my daughter forever. For a while, I struggled to trust other men for a period of time and spent a significant amount of time in counseling working on myself and getting myself emotionally healthy. I am now dating and living with (he just moved in!) an absolutely amazing man who treats me like a queen. 😀 I honestly never knew this kind of relationship was possible for me and am super grateful.

He continued dating the home wrecker. They broke up a few months ago and now he’s dating someone else from work. It didn’t bother me when he was dating the home wrecker in that it stung emotionally. I just didn’t like her involvement in my daughter’s life. I have zero respect for her (she pursued him pretty heavily to where people in the office were placing bets on when they would start dating) and I don’t want a woman like that around my child, but I didn’t have a choice so I tried to not let it bother me.

Post # 3
Member
4240 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

In my major relationship, the one I thought I would marry the guy, I subconsciously realized we weren’t a good match about 2 years into our 3 1/2 year relationship.  I ignored my gut feeling unfortunately.  What happened was I was driving home after visiting him for the weekend (LDR) and I spent the entire car ride wondering what I saw in him.  We had spent a beautiful May weekend at his apartment where I watched him play video games…  I really should have listened to my gut at that point but I was too afraid to lose him and I was too afraid I wouldn’t find love elsewhere (not true!).

Fortunately he broke up with me at the 3 1/2 year mark.  He said he wasn’t seeing a future with me and saw that we were running in opposite directions.  I am actually very thankful he did that because I was too afraid to end it and if he didn’t, I feel like we would be in that same rut today, almost 4 years after the fact.

I felt very “over” him and over the relationship pretty much right away, but emotionally I was about as far from “over” things as I could be.  I was mad and angry at him for “ruining” my life for a long long long time.  I’m not proud of that, but it was easier to be mad at him than it was to deal with my emotions and fears.  I started dating again about two months after the breakup (I wasn’t at all ready to do so…).  He started dating again I think 5-6 months after the fact.  My new relationship just masked the fact that I had my own issues that I had not dealt with yet.

I’ll be completely honest, I wish I had waited until I was actually ready to start dating again.  I wasn’t self aware at all and my fears of being “alone” guided me into that other rebound relationship, which got hot and heavy fast and then fizzled just as fast.  It took me a full year post break up to FINALLY let my grudges go against my ex.  I am really really not proud of that, but my heart finally healed at the year mark.  At that point I had been dating guys off and on from online, I adopted my cat, and after a brief dating break due to feeling burnt out, I started messaging my now-husband on OK Cupid.

Everyone is different, obviously, but taking time to be single and take care of yourself first is so valuable.  That is why I always tend to advise people on here to take time and not worry about finding that next relationship right away…it is so important to spend time by one’s self.

Post # 4
Member
4019 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I think it depends on how or why the relationship ended. I’ve only had one other long term relationship before I started dating my husband, but I was over the relationship pretty much when it ended. We were together for 4 years but fought constantly. I was fighting to stay together even though I knew we weren’t happy anymore. Turns out my boyfriend had moved on prior to us officially ending, so when he told me three days after we broke up that he was dating someone else I was completely over it. I cried the first night because it hurt to know he was cheating on me. But then.. I was just relieved. Feeling free made the breakup easier. It was 3 months later when I started dating again. I think had the breakup come out of no where that it would have taken me longer to get over it. 

Post # 5
Member
10634 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Was with my ex for 7 years in which he cheated on me constantly. We technically broke up around the 5 year mark then got back together for a few months, moved in together and then I found out he was banging his coworker and he moved out (this is all in a six month period from getting back toegether). But I still stuck around for two years after this basically his girlfriend in all but name.

It wasn’t until I met Fiance that I woke up and realized I wanted better for myself than being the back up for someone who didn’t love or appreciate me. I totally cut off contact with my ex and never looked back. He tried to convince me to come back (despite the fact he was already dating his now baby mama) sent me pictures of our dogs, old love letters, etc. He texted me pretty constantly at first before Fiance and I were even officially a thing to “make sure this new guy is treating you right”. I never responded and eventually he stopped trying. 

Had Fiance not come along and snapped me out of it I’m not really sure where I would be.

Post # 6
Member
766 posts
Busy bee

I was engaged to someone else during college and that ended. I didn’t want to admit defeat, felt I couldn’t do without him so we kept ‘dating ‘ for like another year while seeing others. Until finally I realized that there was no joy from it, and it was just insane.

It didnt take long after that for me to start dating, but I do think it was about a year before I stopped really feeling a loss from his not being around, getting used to not having him around during meal times, things like that. It was about 5 years before I was interested in having any kind of commited relationship with anyone, and my husband showed up right after that.

btw- I was with my ex for about 5 years total.

Post # 7
Member
1350 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - The Lodge at Little Seneca Creek

I was with my first long-term boyfriend/fiance for almost 9 years. We were high school sweethearts, got engaged at 19 with the promise to wait until we graduated college to get married, and broke up when we were 24 (and still hadn’t planned anything for a wedding, thankfully). He cheated on me, and I tried to forgive him because we had been together for so long. We seperated, and I gave him a list of 3 things I wanted him to do (I don’t even remember what all of them were except ending it with his paramour).

After about 3 months, he hadn’t completed anything on the list, and I realized that I didn’t love him anymore. Not only did he cheat on me, but I realized we just weren’t compatible. This is when I officially broke up with him.

I started talking to my Fiance about 2 months later. We’ve known each other since we were 13, so we reconnected and decided to try dating about 4 months after reconnecting. So, in total, from the cheating incident to dating my current Fiance, it was 9 months. From officially breaking up to dating, it was 6 months.

Post # 8
Member
3108 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

I was with my ex husband for 13 years but most of those years were miserable and towards the end I had been having thoughts of leaving for a few months, but had been emotionally checking out for some time. However he left me and in a way that felt very sudden so even though a part of me was ready for it, I was still shocked and hurt. His behavior after he left was absolutely appalling and cruel to say the least, and it made it easier to get over him but I’d say it still took me about 4 months to be able to feel happy and normal again.  I went through a time of depression. He started dating first and actually proposed to his new girlfriend less than 2 months after our separation which definitely stung. I started seriously dating around 4-5 months after our split but had a few flings before that, once I started dating again I met DH and i felt this connection I’ve never had with anyone including my ex. We are married now with our first child on the way and I’ve never been happier. 

Post # 9
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I was with my ex for almost 8 years. I was his first everything — he was my second. After having some serious discussions about marriage and family, he told me he wasn’t ready and didn’t know if he would ever be ready. I ended up reluctantly walking away from him and it took me nearly three years to date someone seriously again. Granted, he kind of hung around and had a pseudo-relationship with me during that time because I had some very traumatic things happen in my life. I was glad he was there for me, but it made it even harder to move on. Eventually I met my now fiance and we ended our friendship completely. I haven’t seen or spoken to him now in almost 2 years even though we literally live less than a mile apart. As far as I know, he is still not seeing anyone else (at least not seriously) and we broke up in 2012.

While it does hurt me when I really think about the fact that he was with me for almost 8 years and didn’t want to marry me (while my now fiance proposed after only 1.5 years together), I do think of him fondly and wish him the best. If I found out he was engaged or married, it would definitely hurt me considering how things ended between us. He will always have a special place in my heart because he was my best friend for nearly a decade and it’s not like we ended because of cheating or anything like that… just differences in life goals.

Post # 10
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2019

I would say it truly took me about a year and some change to get over my relationship ending with my ex-FI.

We met at 18 and 17 years old and dated for just shy of six years. At the time of the break-up we were engaged, planning a wedding, and I was living with his family after having moved across the country to find a job and set up a place for us to live so he could go to school full-time. Things had definitely been going a little sideways, but my every day he said how he couldn’t wait to marry me and how much he loved me. So when he dropped the news that he wanted out of the relationship, hadn’t been happy in a long time, and that I was the problem–it was devastating.

Without rambling too long I begged him to stay and we limped along for a few more months. He became a cold and basically unrecognizable person during that period, so by the time I decided to break things off for good I definitely did not love him anymore and pretty much cut him out of my life. Despite that, I was extremely emotionally screwed up and became really desperate for the approval for another person and dated way too soon after things ended (literally a few weeks later).

After eight months, some therapy, and a lot of online dating, I had definitely put a lot of the baggage of the relationship behind me. By that time, I was actually grateful that it had happened because I had enough distance to see that there we were so incompatible that our pending marriage would have ended in a catastrophic divorce. 

So of course that was the time my ex-FI decided to start obsessively contacting me and trying to get me back; he tried to take back everything he said and made the break-up out to be like it was for my own good (yeah okay). It definitely set me back emotionally a few steps and got to the point where my brother bascially had to tell him to fuck off.

Near the end of all that I met my now-SO and we’ve been dating for seven months now. Being with someone so suited to me and what I want in a person was what helped me finally get over my ex-FI. It just kind of snuck up on me that I’m finally at peace with it now.

To my knowledge, my ex-FI has not dated anyone else, but I had strong suspicions that he dumped me for someone I didn’t know about. Either way, I have no idea if he’s seeing anyone and don’t really care to know.

Post # 11
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I dated a guy for almost 3 years. Apart from the ridiculous chemistry we had, we were eachother’s firsts. We were great together but eventually both of us did some growing up and as our personalities changed, we just weren’t right for eachother, and this was almost 2 yrs into the relationship. 

We were fighting everyday and one day I just realized it wasn’t a healthy relationship, looking back I now see the amount if emotional manipulation I put up with. There just wasn’t any respect or trust left, just lust after our good memories together, that would never come back.

I broke it off but because the chemistry we always had stayed, there still were months when we were in an on/off relationship, but each month got rockier until we decided to just cut off contact. He moved to a different country and I started to truly get over him, which took 1 1/2 years. 

Somewhere during this time I heard from his cousin (my good friend) that he found someone, and it did sting like hell, I couldn’t be happy for him, nor did I accept that all the attention once I had is now being given to another girl.

After I got engaged, he moved back into town and we decided to meet up for a coffee and talk. May seem a stupid idea, but in our situation this was pretty unavoidable. My Fiance knows the whole story and fully understood.

We met and talked out what we needed. He said he’s more than happy that I have found someone who he was not all that time and agreed that our relationship wasn’t healthy, which is what helped him to move on.

Now we look at eachother as just people who had great memories together but we just grew apart and it was all about accepting it, so now we don’t hold any grudges against one another. 

Took time but I have happily moved on and in even greater love with my husband to be !

Post # 13
Member
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - St. John\'s Lutheran Church

I met my ex when I was 18, and we dated for three years. I had thought he would be the person I married, not because I thought he was the one, but because he convinced me no one else would ever love me. (He was a real peach, obviously.) Then I met another guy, and I began to understand what real love was, what it was to be respected and treated well. My ex had threatened to kill me if I ever broke up with him, so I did it while I was studying abroad – I literally broke up with him the day I got off the plane. I cried about it for two weeks – even though he was abusive, it gutted me to break his heart. After that, I started officially dating the new guy, thinking it was too bad that he was so sweet and attractive, as I assumed it would probably just be a rebound relationship. Six years later, we are happily married. 🙂

Post # 14
Member
896 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

View original reply
jennylynn1425 :  I’ve been with my boyfriend now for 5 years.

I have only dated one guy before him and I was with him for 5 1/2 years when I was 16. We got along great and I think there was some craziness I mistook for passion but I did love him although our relationship wasn’t healthy. He broke up with me and I was devastated. 

 

It it was not long after until I met my now boyfriend. It was only a month after and I was still healing. Somehow meeting my now boyfriend felt like a gift and it literally fet like Cupid’s arrow struck the both of us. We started talking and took things slow. It wasn’t really something I recommend someone to do because I was still hurt but at the same time I didn’t want to miss out on the chance with my bf.

 

My ex ended up wanting me back but I was already talking to my now bf and I felt like things were for the best. I could’ve easily damaged what precious relationship I have now if I had not been careful. It was dumb. 

 

My bf and I made it official about 6 months after the break up. I was happy but to be honest a part of me wasn’t yet over my ex. I think it really took over a few years to truly not be bothered by the thought of him. Well, my ex immediately married so I think I never had closure. They are divorced now and my ex and I talked a few min and I fet like I was able to close my past. This was 5 years!

 

Not to say I wanted my ex but he was definitely still somewhat in my mind often than it shouldn’t have been whether it was wondering why he got married, why he cut me off, where’s my money lmao, etc. 

Post # 15
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

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