- 4 years ago
i am new to this board. Feel a little old and silly lol but really need advice. i am 41, divorced with 2 great kids. I live with a great guy who is also divorced with 2 kids. My kids live with us f/t, his kids are with us p/t. We have been together over 3 years, lived together two. We own our house together.
My issue is that we aren’t married. I regret movin in together because it makes it 110% harder now as he basically has everything the way he wants and is content to “wait” re marriage. I am not. We have had our issues, I am at the point where I am bitter a lot of the time because he knows how important this is to me and it doesn’t matter. His view is that he wants to get married “some day” when in his words we are more financially stable and emotionally stable. When we talk about marriage the last year I have said this isn’t what I want for my life and that I don’t want him to get married if he doesn’t want to but that i am not waitino forever. This is where he gets the emotional instability piece from, me always “saying I will leave him”. He can’t separate that i not happy, especially living together when I have kids, without a full commitment. We argue about it and I admit a lot of it is my fault over resentment that he just gets angry with me am says it is just a piece of paper and what is so wrong with how things are. It hurts me that he doesn’t care about my feelings. When we started dating he brought up marriage first and said it was important to him to get married again. He had been planning to propose to his girlfriend before me but they broke up. It isn’t being gun-shy over that that stops him. It hurts so much he doesn’t feel that way about me. He says he wants to marry me “someday” and always says he wants to spend his life with me yet not ready or wanting to get married.
Sorry sorry for the long post! My dilemma is how long do I wait when a big part of me feels it will never happen. It isn’t just about needing a piece of paper it is about being with someone who wants to make that commitment to me. I feel ridiculous having a “boyfriend” at my age. Do I set a date in my mind and stick to it? The problem is because kids are involved once I leave I can’t just “go back”. I am miserable and so resentful. Would be different if he hadn’t been anxious to marry in the beginning, I feel like the more he knows it matters to me the more he digs in his heels. How can you say you know you want to spend your life with me and then say we aren’t in that place? if he “knows” why the reluctance?? I make it worse by getting bitter but I am really struggling with how rejexted and unworthy it makes me feel. Good enough to live with, sleep with, share bills etc but not good enough to be the wife type thing. My heart says he loves me and is just settling cause it is easy but not “in love with me” so no marriage. Do I cut my losses now?