(Closed) How long do you wait?

posted 11 years ago in Waiting
Post # 18
Member
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2020

I made it absolutely clear to my BF that I would refuse to move into a house with him unless we are either engaged or married.

But before that, I had been in grad school and pestering him about taking the next step. Now I realize I had no idea of what I was talking about. He supported me through my last semester and well…after being laid off he’s starting his own business. Now I know how he felt supporting me, because my paycheck goes poof for a lot of things. And that’s taken off my focus about being engaged or not. We haven’t talked about it for awhile and I’ve decided to practice my patience here. Good results do come out from waiting…the other week we went to an open house to browse and dream about getting a house together. So at least he’s thinking about the the next two years or so.

In short, working to support us both is a nice esteem-booster for me. I do hope that his business takes off soon so that we could pay off our debt. This morning I saw that he hid his business account from our Mint.com profile. I doubt he saved enough for a ring but I could see how he could easily surprise me. I give myself about a year or two. Being engaged right now would be extra awesome, given that I’ve gotten tired of calling him my BF…

Post # 19
Member
235 posts
Helper bee

@LittlePenguin: Well, good news–we talked last night (after a quite a “discussion” about finances, house, and engagement).  He was starting to get overwhelmed about the house and he didn’t want to move in until I would, too (aka we are engaged). The whole prospect of spending thousands on a down payment, literally draining all his funds, and then getting an expensive ring was overwhelming to him. I could tell he was really frustrated and the conversation was going sour, so we got off the phone and let each other cool down. I went for a drive when I had an epiphany–we have a diamond in the family that we could use.  It’s not the shape I like and may even be not as clear as I’d like, but it has special meaning, so I offered it to BF.  I had been offering to help pay and we ended up coming to a compromise: We will use the stone and each pay 1/2 (or close to it) for the setting we both like, which is totally fine by me because he just dropped thousands on a house for us without a dime from me! He said he would pay all fees like resizing, setting the stone, etc. This gave him so much relief. There is not way you can buy a house AND an engagement ring in a month or 2, unless you are super rich (we are not!).

So my advice to you, LittlePenguin, is to see what your other options are.  If money is a huge issue, see if there is a stone in your family (or his) that you could use, or (as we thought about last night) get a small ring now knowing that you will upgrade when you get more money.  Guys like to know they have their lives in order before they do something huge like start a family, and it sounds like that’s how your BF feels about the house.  Definitely tell him you’d like to be engaged first, if that is how you feel, but if he still is having none of that, offer these other options.  If you can help pay and feel comfortable with it, offer it.  It sucks leaving everything up to the boys, but sometimes they really do need a little bit of help but are too scared to ask.  Let us know what happens! Good luck!!! 🙂

Post # 20
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2011

It all depends on ur wishes. What you really want.. to get exactly this man (even if you wait 100 years)? Maybe to find man who will lose his head about you and will engaged you in first 4 monthes? maybe to get stable position in life and only then marry…?

I would say that 4 years is too long, it means either this man is not ready for family and doesnt keep it in his head or … or he doesnt want it with you (sorry for saying).

What can stoppage 2 people from marriage? – not enough money for life, wish to make career or… wish to be sure about couple (read – he or she IS NOT sure at the moment), so they wait.

For me marriage makes sense, it means family , it means you made your decision in your life and doesnt want “explore other options” . In some countries, like sweden people dont get married, its too expensive, they lose a lot of social donations from state, so they just dont.

As for me I wouldnt wait 4 years, if i wanted to settle. I would understand that this man is not ready yet for this, or maybe I is not good enough for him. I would move on.

If you reread carefully your own post, you will see it. He is not suffering too much that he cannot be with you all time, live with you and spend vacations to you. And one more think. When man wants, he just does it. Noone can stop him. All refference to parents is just bla-bla-bla.. Im afraid he doesnt doesnt want it by himself.

And one more point, why u are so shy to tell about your wishes. U need always speak up. Why not to tell him directly what you want, maybe his answer will make everything clear. maybe he says he never plans to amrry you or maybe says tomorrow, or maybe he doesnt have any idea that you want it.

 

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