(Closed) how long do you wait for a proposal once he says he is ready?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: together for 4.5 yrs, he said he was going to 5 mos. ago, no proposal yet, how long do i wait?
    6 more months : (18 votes)
    42 %
    1 more month : (13 votes)
    30 %
    give it a full year then say something : (12 votes)
    28 %
    run for your life, he is stalling : (0 votes)
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1992 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    I think it’s completely appropriate to bring it up whenever you’re ready, as long as you’re not constantly nagging him about it. It’s your future too, so you shouldn’t feel wierd about bringing up the topic.  If you’ve been silent on the wedding stuff for 5mos. already, I think you owe yourself a little treat! I’m not sure if I could do that. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    198 posts
    Blushing bee

    I voted for six months. It’s one of those “Crud or get off the pot”. It was not fair of you SO to say “I’m ready”, then to leave you hanging for an indefinite amount of time.

     

    Post # 5
    Member
    4240 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    This is difficult.  I have been actively waiting since my Dad spilled the beans last July (when SO asked for permission).  And I think I will still be rockless by the end of this year.  It’s taken a long time for me to come to terms with the fact that this is one thing I have no control over.

    I’d give it a year before you get the big guns out (lol), but absolutely no harm in bringing it up right now.

    Best of luck, wishing you all the best.

    (hope I don’t come across too cynical)

    Post # 6
    Member
    2398 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I think the answer depends on how long a couple has been together. If you’ve been together a few months/less than a year, I think it’s reasonable to wait another year or so for a proposal.

    But in your situation I voted one month. After 4.5 years together, he should not need more than 30 days to figure out whether he is ready to speak the words: “Let’s start making plans to get married within the next year or so.”

    I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to keep your fingers crossed, wait patiently for him to make a move, and “chill,” as you said. You may have to let go of your dream of having a romantic, surprise proposal. If you stay quiet and passive about this, you’re sending him the silent message that you are OK with status quo, you’re in no rush either, and you’re OK with dangling out there with question marks about your future(s).

    After 4.5 years, you are within your rights to speak up — nicely and calmly and lovingly — and let him know that this is important to you, this is your life too and you’d like to know what his intentions are.

    Try to find a time when you are both relaxed and in a good mood. You don’t have to tell him what to do. But you are allowed to tell him what you want and need.

    He is free to agree or disagree with you. This doesn’t have to be an argument or an ultimatum.

    My Darling Husband was dropping marriage hints after a year or so of dating, but after 14 or 15 months of dating and no proposal or specific discussion, I was getting really antsy and I spoke up one night when we both were in a good mood and relaxed. I asked him where he thought all of this was going. We both shared that we loved each other so much/wanted to be with each other for many years to come, but still he didn’t say anything specific. So I  very gently and nicely nudged him and said as lovingly as I could, that I couldn’t stay in a relationship indefinitely without knowing whether we were going to take our commitment to the next level within a reasonable amount of time. There was no argument, no ultimatum, no “you’d better propose to me or else” as you said….  I just let him know what my bottom line was. Much to my relief, he suggested we start making plans. He did a formal proposal a few months after that, and we ended up getting married on our two-year anniversary.

    If I hadn’t given him that nudge, we might still be dating!

    It sounds like your SO loves you a great deal and is very serious about you… but if you don’t say anything, this could drag on for another 4.5 years.

    Post # 7
    Member
    1013 posts
    Bumble bee

    I would ask for a timeline and then that should give you the amount of time.  Ask if he thinks he will propose within the year.  Then if he hasnt done it within a year, have a SERIOUS discussion. 

    I talked to my SO in January about this.  He said he will do it before the end of the year.   I also know he has saved alot of $$$ since we started discussing it.  So when we discussed by the end of the year, i know he was serious. If he had made NO moves toward a proposal by the end of this year, i would consider packing my stuff and leaving.  I made myself that promise. I didnt threaten him in any way, but i know i would be hurt enough that some time apart would be appropriate. 

    Thankfully i have a feeling my proposal is coming this summer. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    140 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    my boyfriend has me waiting its been a year and a half dont get your hopes up. He will do it when he wants and anything you say will make it last longer (grr) lol 

    Post # 9
    Member
    9741 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @Andr0meda:  I agree with this.

    Post # 10
    Member
    807 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I think you probably need to clarify your timeline with him. There’s kind of two pieces to the whole marriage discussion–the first being, “do we want to marry each other?” and the other being “when?”. You didn’t expect him to read your mind regarding wanting to be married, so you can’t expect him to read your mind regarding when you want that to happen (unless timing was part of your marriage discussion and I just missed it?)

    You don’t have to have him pin down a specific date on the calendar, but I agree with PP that he should be able to give you a general timeframe–i.e., within the next 3 months, within the next year, etc. He might be under the impression that you’re in no rush to get married so he’s just enjoying things as they are…you might need to clarify your expectations for him.

    Post # 11
    Member
    121 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    At your ages, length of time together, and all the details you gave, I would talk with him and let him know I’d like to be engaged witihn 6 months if he’s truly serious about a future together.

    I’m not big on waiting a long time though – quite honestly, 4.5 years dating is longer than I’d wait at those ages too, so your point of view may be different on timelines.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1175 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @bellasperanza:  This! I think you are spot on with the two different discussions. 

    I know we can feel like any sort of conversation about timelines that we bring up means we are automatically pressuring the guy and it makes matters worse. I think there’s an appropriate time to bring up that sort of thing. I personally voted six months mostly because you’ve talked previously and you’ve been together for 4.5 years. So I feel like that’s an good amount of time before you sit him down and ask for a general timeline. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    101 posts
    Blushing bee

    My guy started talking about getting married about 2 years ago. I’m still ringless. He was even supposed to propose last winter, he didnt. Who knows when he’ll ask. There is no easy way to predict this. Any guess work or whatever is only trying to make you feel better…but it’s a trap!!  🙂

    You will know when it’s time to leave, if it comes to that. Kinda like how you knew you were in love. You just know in your gut, or wherever, but can’t seem to describe it.

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