Post # 46
My ex would do the silent treatment for a few days at a time on a regular basis. We lived together so it was a very unhappy time for me. He was a man-child and I had to leave as his passive aggressive behaviour became nastier over time.
After an argument, it’s normal to need time to cool down but that’s not the same as punishing someone through zero communication.
The fact that you had to check whether he had blocked you or whether he had cancelled your trip to Mexico says a lot
You’ve got so much going on and you’ve apologised so much. I think his behaviour is unfair.
I just asked my husband how 6 days would make him feel, and he said ‘it would be mind-bending’ and he’s not a dramatic person at all…
ETA I agree that what you said was hurtful but this situation requires an honest conversation about where you’re at, not the reaction of a teenage boy
Post # 47
In our first year of dating (when we were both 18), we did have a fight where I used silent treatment as a ‘punishment’. He actually got really worried that something happened to me, which was really sweet and made me feel guilty for doing it at all.
I quickly realized that it’s a very unhealthy way of dealing with issues, and you shouldn’t punish your SO like a child. I haven’t done it since. Sometimes we give each other a night to cool off and talk about the issue the next morning (especially if we’re tired and cranky), but neither of us stand for silent treatment.
Honestly, the practice is childish and immature. I would immediately break up with someone who didn’t talk to me for AN ENTIRE WEEK instead of work through our issues – especially after I apologized multiple times. That shit ain’t worth it.
Get counseling if nothing else.
Post # 48
Tisa85 : I know what I said wasn’t right, but I feel he is blowing this way out of the water. He has done somethings to me in our past that I heard him out and forgave him because we are all human and we make mistakes. I have said sorry so many times and I have told him that this behavior isnt healthy, but he wont reply to anything. He knows what he is doing and I would hate to walk away from him, but I think if anything is going to change he needs to go talk to someone. I am not perfect and I feel every single person has said something mean to someone they love out of anger and in the heat of the moment, but to cut someone off emotionally like he has is bone crushing. I am so hurt and lost. If he is done and leaving, I wish he would be man enough to say that. I want to stick by his side and help him, but at 35 I feel he has to want to change on his own.
Post # 49
lolo24 : I’m not gonna beat you up over what you said to him. You’ve shown remorse and you realize it was wrong. But if I were you, I’d get to the root cause of that. Is it insecurity? Do you have a tendency to react out of anger and lash out? If so, this is definitely something you need to work on, especially at nearly 30 years old.
I’m the type of person who can cut deep with my words. Knowing that about myself, when I’m angry, I do take a step back to collect my thoughts before I can have a healthy and productive conversation. But I’m talking an hour, maybe 2 tops. 6 days of silence is beyond immature.
The thing is, tit for tat is not the foundation of a healthy relationship. “She yelled at me so I’m ignoring her for 6 days.” No. That doesn’t work. You’ve apologized for your behavior. Even if he still needed time and space to cool down, he should have said that like 5 days ago. If this relationship is worth saving to both of you, then you both have things to work on. You have to work on the jealousy over the ex wife and lashing out in anger. He has to work on communicating his feelings and not having a tit for tat mentality. At this point, I’d stop trying to contact him. Best of luck.
Post # 50
OP, all you’re doing here is repeating the same things over and over–we know you’re sorry for what you said. Now, what are you planning to do about this? Why haven’t you gone to his house and knocked on the door?
Post # 51
DeniseSecunda : I drove by today, but since he lives in his moms house, I dont want to be getting her involved, though what hes doing is not okay, I feel me doing that would be very disrespectful towards his mom. That’s just me. I came here to get advice because at this point there really isnt anything else I can do.
Post # 52
lolo24 : Basically everyone’s advice is the same: this is toxic and unhealthy and you two should probably break up. I know it’s not what you wanted to hear but that’s the advice. It’s up to you what you choose to do with it…
Post # 53
lolo24 : Bee actually there is something you can do: you can decide that you’re not going to put up with this emotional abuse (because thats exactly what it is) anymore. Send him a final text saying that his behavior is inexucsable and you’re not putting up with it any longer, so the relationship is over. then block his number and purge your life of this toxicity!
Post # 54
I don’t think you going to his place is bringing his mom into anything; it has to be better than ambushing him at work or something. Regardless, if you’re not going to take action to speak to him, then you’ll need to let him know that the relationship is over. He’s behaving like a child at best and an emotional abuser at worst.
Post # 55
You sure he’s not dead? Lol. Like not funny but if my boyfriend did this I would 100% just be going to his house to make sure he was still alive lol.
Yeah you were a psycho lol. But so are most people at some point in time. You know your snapping was wrong, like it’s not that bad at all unless you’re doing it all the time which you’re not. So don’t feel too guilty. Silent treatment the longer it goes on, the bigger the argument becomes in your mind and all the blame in your mind is on you and you feel like the biggest piece of shit ever. If the relationship ends over this make sure you know that the argument might have been the catalyst but is not the fucking reason. You’re boyfriend is childish on top of all of this. 6 days of silent treatment??? Granted I live with my partner but if he does the silent treatment for more than 30 mins im panicking 😂 and e have kids together so I know he’s not gonna leave me over a dumb argument lol.
I feel for you. But I’d be honestly rethinking this relationship. Doesn’t seem healthy. 🙁
Post # 56
Ghosting your so is emotionally abusive. You’ve shown him over and over again that you’re willing to tolerate his abuse. You cannot change him, only yourself. This is not a healthy relationship, end it today. I know, not what you want to hear.
Post # 57
beejaymes : of course i was nervous about his well being, how could i not? i called his work, and a guy said he was at his desk, well i had a coworker do it so they didnt know it was me.
i never just blow up at him or act out like i did. ever. I am NOT perfect by any means, and we will get into stupid arguments here and there, but its hard not to take full blame for this. i kee beating myself up inside, but then a part of me is like LAUREN WTF you dont deserve this. he is thirty fucking five years old and claims he loves you and wants to progress out future together, why would he contiune hurting me? I personally think its a power play. When we got back togehter after 4 months apart my guard has been up, how could it not be? We got into an agrument a few weeks back (no we dont fight everyday but working through crap, it isnt always pretty) he made a comment along the lines of “it seems like i finally want this and you dont” he is very worried about control and im not sure if he didnt wear the pants in his past marriage and feels he needs to with me? I think him saying that scared him. A few close friends of mine who know him and know our history are in agreement with me about the power play and how he knows what he is doing and is doing it to prove a point. I am going to tell him that we need to go talk to someone, and he also cannot stay the night any more and sex isnt going to happen until i can have trust in our foundaton and he can prove that he is here for the long haul, this of course is if he comes back around. I have to admit, I am a VERY forgiving person and I havent really ever held him accountable for his actions. Judge me and say what you will, but when you really love someone, its very hard to put them in check at least for me it is. Maybe this needed to happen so i could learn to be strong, im not sure.
Post # 58
“I have to admit, I am a VERY forgiving person and I havent really ever held him accountable for his actions. Judge me and say what you will, but when you really love someone, its very hard to put them in check at least for me it is.”
But what about loving yourself?
Post # 59
BMoreBecc : I do love myself. I have work to do of course, but at the end of the day, I can look in the mirror and love who I am. I have a hard time giving up on people. I understand that everyone has issues and sometimes need more “help” in ife, but if he cannot agree to help himself, I will have to walk away.
Post # 60
tiffanybruiser : Well using a partner’s past to score points/hurt them is abusive as well. If my partner said what the OP said then I probably would cut ties as well. Also the OP is being controlling. He is being very clear that he does not want to talk to her but because the OP wants him to and is minimising his feelings that is somehow ok? No it is not and if it was the reverse (a male doing it to a female bee) everyone would be red flags and run.
OP he is being very clear thst he does not wish to engage with you. You need to respect that. You were the one who told him to go away and now that he has done that you think you deserve him back just because you think so? He is allowed to pull away from this toxic relationship. He doesn’t owe someone who essentially broke up with him in an extremely hurtful and immature way anything. You broke up with him. Just because you changed your mind and apologised doesn’t mean he needs to think differently about the situation or have to put up with that sort of treatment. He has every right to not respond to the person who broke up with him.
Honestly it sounds like it is for the best given that the relationship seems toxic.