How long have you been ignored by your partner after a fight?!

posted 8 months ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

My ex would do the silent treatment for a few days at a time on a regular basis. We lived together so it was a very unhappy time for me. He was a man-child and I had to leave as his passive aggressive behaviour became nastier over time.

After an argument, it’s normal to need time to cool down but that’s not the same as punishing someone through zero communication. 

The fact that you had to check whether he had blocked you or whether he had cancelled your trip to Mexico says a lot

You’ve got so much going on and you’ve apologised so much. I think his behaviour is unfair.

I just asked my husband how 6 days would make him feel, and he said ‘it would be mind-bending’ and he’s not a dramatic person at all…

ETA I agree that what you said was hurtful but this situation requires an honest conversation about where you’re at, not the reaction of a teenage boy 

 lolo24 :  

Post # 47
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

In our first year of dating (when we were both 18), we did have a fight where I used silent treatment as a ‘punishment’. He actually got really worried that something happened to me, which was really sweet and made me feel guilty for doing it at all.

I quickly realized that it’s a very unhealthy way of dealing with issues, and you shouldn’t punish your SO like a child. I haven’t done it since. Sometimes we give each other a night to cool off and talk about the issue the next morning (especially if we’re tired and cranky), but neither of us stand for silent treatment.

Honestly, the practice is childish and immature. I would immediately break up with someone who didn’t talk to me for AN ENTIRE WEEK instead of work through our issues – especially after I apologized multiple times. That shit ain’t worth it. 

Get counseling if nothing else.

Post # 49
Member
4103 posts
Honey bee

lolo24 :  I’m not gonna beat you up over what you said to him. You’ve shown remorse and you realize it was wrong. But if I were you, I’d get to the root cause of that. Is it insecurity? Do you have a tendency to react out of anger and lash out? If so, this is definitely something you need to work on, especially at nearly 30 years old. 

I’m the type of person who can cut deep with my words. Knowing that about myself, when I’m angry, I do take a step back to collect my thoughts before I can have a healthy and productive conversation. But I’m talking an hour, maybe 2 tops. 6 days of silence is beyond immature. 

The thing is, tit for tat is not the foundation of a healthy relationship. “She yelled at me so I’m ignoring her for 6 days.” No. That doesn’t work. You’ve apologized for your behavior. Even if he still needed time and space to cool down, he should have said that like 5 days ago. If this relationship is worth saving to both of you, then you both have things to work on. You have to work on the jealousy over the ex wife and lashing out in anger. He has to work on communicating his feelings and not having a tit for tat mentality. At this point, I’d stop trying to contact him. Best of luck. 

Post # 50
Member
1369 posts
Bumble bee

OP, all you’re doing here is repeating the same things over and over–we know you’re sorry for what you said. Now, what are you planning to do about this? Why haven’t you gone to his house and knocked on the door? 

Post # 52
Member
6806 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

lolo24 :  Basically everyone’s advice is the same: this is toxic and unhealthy and you two should probably break up. I know it’s not what you wanted to hear but that’s the advice. It’s up to you what you choose to do with it…

Post # 53
Member
7816 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

lolo24 :  Bee actually there is something you can do: you can decide that you’re not going to put up with this emotional abuse (because thats exactly what it is) anymore. Send him a final text saying that his behavior is inexucsable and you’re not putting up with it any longer, so the relationship is over. then block his number and purge your life of this toxicity!

Post # 54
Member
1369 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think you going to his place is bringing his mom into anything; it has to be better than ambushing him at work or something. Regardless, if you’re not going to take action to speak to him, then you’ll need to let him know that the relationship is over. He’s behaving like a child at best and an emotional abuser at worst. 

Post # 55
Member
46 posts
Newbee

You sure he’s not dead? Lol. Like not funny but if my boyfriend did this I would 100% just be going to his house to make sure he was still alive lol. 

Yeah you were a psycho lol. But so are most people at some point in time. You know your snapping was wrong, like it’s not that bad at all unless you’re doing it all the time which you’re not. So don’t feel too guilty. Silent treatment the longer it goes on, the bigger the argument becomes in your mind and all the blame in your mind is on you and you feel like the biggest piece of shit ever. If the relationship ends over this make sure you know that the argument might have been the catalyst but is not the fucking reason. You’re boyfriend is childish on top of all of this. 6 days of silent treatment??? Granted I live  with my partner but if he does the silent treatment for more than 30 mins im panicking 😂 and e have kids together so I know he’s not gonna leave me over a dumb argument lol. 

I feel for you. But I’d be honestly rethinking this relationship. Doesn’t seem healthy. 🙁

Post # 56
Member
2825 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Ghosting your so is emotionally abusive. You’ve shown him over and over again that you’re willing to tolerate his abuse.  You cannot change him,  only yourself.  This is not a healthy relationship, end it today.  I know,  not what you want to hear. 

Post # 58
Member
4103 posts
Honey bee

I have to admit, I am a VERY forgiving person and I havent really ever held him accountable for his actions. Judge me and say what you will, but when you really love someone, its very hard to put them in check at least for me it is.”

But what about loving yourself?

Post # 60
Member
9044 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

tiffanybruiser :  Well using a partner’s  past to score points/hurt them is abusive as well. If my partner said what the OP said then I probably would cut ties as well. Also the OP is being controlling. He is being very clear that he does not want to talk to her but because the OP wants him to and is minimising his feelings that is somehow ok? No it is not and if it was the reverse (a male doing it to a female bee) everyone would be red flags and run.

OP he is being very clear thst he does not wish to engage with you. You need to respect that. You were the one who told him to go away and now that he has done that you think you deserve him back just because you think so? He is allowed to pull away from this toxic relationship. He doesn’t owe someone who essentially broke up with him in an extremely hurtful and immature way anything. You broke up with him. Just because you changed your mind and apologised doesn’t mean he needs to think differently about the situation or have to put up with that sort of treatment. He has every right to not respond to the person who broke up with him.

Honestly it sounds like it is for the best given that the relationship seems toxic.

 

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