Post # 1
My fiance and I have been engaged for 4 year’s, together 6. We talked about being engaged before we got engaged and said we didn’t want a extremely long engagement so at first I was okay with it but as time goes on I just wonder if we’ll ever be married and what is the problem. So here’s a little background on us we’ve both been married before, we also have several children with other’s there has also been conflict in the past so yeah at first I understood where he was coming from because neither one of us want another divorce, but at the same time we live together, we have a family together, and I just don’t know what is the hold up. Yes I’ve tried to talk to him and all I get is just wait for it, be happy with your life and don’t worry about it, I feel like this is a excuse bit could be wrong. I mean if he doesn’t want to get married then just tell me so I can decide what I truly want. I kind of feel like if it doesn’t happen soon it never will. People have asked what’s the hold up I just laugh it off and say oh it’ll happen we’re just taking our time but I’m tired of making excuses. My ring is starting to feel just like a ring instead of the commitment it’s suppose to feel like. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.
Post # 2
I have been engaged for 2 years, and that feels long for being together for almost 10. We have kids too. The reason we aren’t married yet is financial.
Since you are already engaged why don’t you start the wedding planning process?
The only advice I have is to have a talk with your fiance and set a timeline.
Post # 3
To each their own, but 4 years is way too long for me. He sounds like is he is making excuses. If he never wanted to get married due to issues that may pop up, why get engaged?
Post # 4
happyeyesbride : I have tried to plan or come up with a timeline he just says it’s not time and I’ll ask when is it going to be time he says when I know we’re ready. Well at this point I can’t accept that answer. I don’t want to say I’m waisting time because I am in love with him, but if he’s not going to ever marry me then I am.
Post # 5
overthemoon2018 : That’s exactly what I have said. The whole purpose of getting engaged is because your ready not to get engaged and wait year’s and year’s to be married.
Post # 6
Monica4 : My partner and I are planning a short engagement, less then a year. It stresses him out a bit, but he is excited to get married. I think you act too much as a wife for him. He has you doing things for him w/out him having to marry you.
Post # 7
overthemoon2018 : So I should stop doing for him?
Post # 8
In my opinion engagement is pointless and meaningless unless you’re actually planning a wedding. Otherwise I don’t see the point. We were together nearly 8 years before we got engaged because up until that point we didn’t feel ready (financially and from a time perspective) to plan a wedding. Many people asked us during those nearly 8 years why we weren’t engaged yet and I just “What would be the point if we don’t want to plan a wedding yet?”.
So basically I think “too long” is any length of time you are engaged with no intention of imminently planning a wedding. That’s just my opinion though.
Post # 9
I agree with this. Also OP I think what you got is a “shut it up ring”. Meaning he never intended to get married. Just got you the ring to buy time and to shut you up. princessmiaofgenovia :
Post # 10
Four years would be way too long for me. Personally if I wasn’t actively planning to get married then I wouldn’t consider myself engaged.
Post # 11
The longest in my circle was 2.5 years but that’s because they wanted to finish grad school first. My fiance and I chose a 16 month engagement because we didn’t want wedding planning to be in any way stressful. I’m super glad because we spent november/december finding new jobs (he got an offer, and I left my job for a new one in the area), a new apartment, moving, and getting settled in new jobs in a new area. It was stressful, and I’m super glad we could put wedding planning on hold for over 2 months and still not be behind. But on the other hand, now that’s all settled and the wedding and honeymoon are basically all planned but I still have over 7 months to go and we’re getting impatient! Heck I just made a potential seating chart and I don’t send out invitations until June!
So yeah, to me 4 years would drive me crazy. Could you tell him “I want to start planning, so how does november 16th 2019 (or whatever date) work for you? I love my fiance to pieces and he’s been amazing with the wedding planning, but sometimes when he’s not interested in something he never gives me an opinion. So I just have to say “I’m ordering these stamps for the invitations because I like them. Is that okay?” And he always says “sure”
Post # 12
I was engaged for a year and a half by the time that we got married so I’m not really any help in that department but I will say I think four years is quite a long time, the longest engagement I have personally heard of is 10 years but that was a friend of a friend and everyone was very confused by it.
Post # 13
To me, engagement is the point at which you start actively planning a wedding – it’s not just another relationship “milestone”. Some people take a month to plan their wedding and some take up to 2 years (I’ll be engaged for around 15 months or so) but I really don’t see the point in being engaged for years on end without getting married or even planning.
Post # 14
I’m gonna agree with the pp that you got a “shut her up” ring. It did the job for 4 years at least. You’re going to need to decide what’s more important to you. Marriage or remaining the live-in girlfriend. If you determine that marriage IS more important then you have some tough decisions to make that you will need to actually enforce. Otherwise you simply send a message that you’re not really serious and he doesn’t need to do a thing since you’re going to stay put.
Post # 15
We were engaged for just under a year and that felt right to me. I don’t see the point in being engaged unless you’re both ready to get married and ready to start planning a wedding (whether that’s a simple court house ceremony or a big formal event). Of course a couple may be engaged for a couple months or longer without planning much – especially if life interferes – but beyond that I don’t see the hold up.
If I was “engaged” to someone and they said we weren’t ready for marriage I’d take that to mean they never actually wanted to get engaged. I’m sorry, bee, but it doesn’t sound like your “fiance” has any intention of actually following through with the marriage. I’d move on and find someone who actually wants to commit.