How long is to long-engagement

posted 1 month ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I have been engaged for 2 years, and that feels long for being together for almost 10. We have kids too. The reason we aren’t married yet is financial. 

Since you are already engaged why don’t you start the wedding planning process? 

The only advice I have is to have a talk with your fiance and set a timeline.  

Post # 3
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2029

To each their own, but 4 years is way too long for me.  He sounds like is he is making excuses.  If he never wanted to get married due to issues that may pop up, why get engaged?  

Post # 6
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2029

Monica4 :  My partner and I are planning a short engagement, less then a year.  It stresses him out a bit, but he is excited to get married.  I think you act too much as a wife for him.  He has you doing things for him w/out him having to marry you.

Post # 8
Member
387 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: London, UK

In my opinion engagement is pointless and meaningless unless you’re actually planning a wedding. Otherwise I don’t see the point. We were together nearly 8 years before we got engaged because up until that point we didn’t feel ready (financially and from a time perspective) to plan a wedding. Many people asked us during those nearly 8 years why we weren’t engaged yet and I just “What would be the point if we don’t want to plan a wedding yet?”. 

So basically I think “too long” is any length of time you are engaged with no intention of imminently planning a wedding. That’s just my opinion though.

Post # 9
Member
959 posts
Busy bee

I agree with this. Also OP I think what you got is a “shut it up ring”. Meaning he never intended to get married. Just got you the ring to buy time and to shut you up. princessmiaofgenovia :  

Post # 10
Member
4287 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Four years would be way too long for me. Personally if I wasn’t actively planning to get married then I wouldn’t consider myself engaged.

Post # 11
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

The longest in my circle was 2.5 years but that’s because they wanted to finish grad school first. My fiance and I chose a 16 month engagement because we didn’t want wedding planning to be in any way stressful. I’m super glad because we spent november/december finding new jobs (he got an offer, and I left my job for a new one in the area), a new apartment, moving, and getting settled in new jobs in a new area. It was stressful, and I’m super glad we could put wedding planning on hold for over 2 months and still not be behind. But on the other hand, now that’s all settled and the wedding and honeymoon are basically all planned but I still have over 7 months to go and we’re getting impatient!  Heck I just made a potential seating chart and I don’t send out invitations until June!

So yeah, to me 4 years would drive me crazy. Could you tell him “I want to start planning, so how does november 16th 2019 (or whatever date) work for you?  I love my fiance to pieces and he’s been amazing with the wedding planning, but sometimes when he’s not interested in something he never gives me an opinion. So I just have to say “I’m ordering these stamps for the invitations because I like them. Is that okay?” And he always says “sure”

Post # 12
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I was engaged for a year and a half by the time that we got married so I’m not really any help in that department but I will say I think four years is quite a long time, the longest engagement I have personally heard of is 10 years but that was a friend of a friend and everyone was very confused by it. 

Post # 13
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee

To me, engagement is the point at which you start actively planning a wedding – it’s not just another relationship “milestone”. Some people take a month to plan their wedding and some take up to 2 years (I’ll be engaged for around 15 months or so) but I really don’t see the point in being engaged for years on end without getting married or even planning. 

Post # 14
Member
1258 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I’m gonna agree with the pp that you got a “shut her up” ring.  It did the job for 4 years at least.  You’re going to need to decide what’s more important to you.  Marriage or remaining the live-in girlfriend.  If you determine that marriage IS more important then you have some tough decisions to make that you will need to actually enforce.  Otherwise you simply send a message that you’re not really serious and he doesn’t need to do a thing since you’re going to stay put.

Post # 15
Member
2284 posts
Buzzing bee

We were engaged for just under a year and that felt right to me. I don’t see the point in being engaged unless you’re both ready to get married and ready to start planning a wedding (whether that’s a simple court house ceremony or a big formal event). Of course a couple may be engaged for a couple months or longer without planning much – especially if life interferes – but beyond that I don’t see the hold up.

If I was “engaged” to someone and they said we weren’t ready for marriage I’d take that to mean they never actually wanted to get engaged. I’m sorry, bee, but it doesn’t sound like your “fiance” has any intention of actually following through with the marriage. I’d move on and find someone who actually wants to commit. 

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