How long is too long for an engagement?

posted 8 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 3
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think you’ll feel a lot better if you have a serious sit down conversation with him about your plans moving forward as a couple (not that you expect anything RIGHT NOW but just to see if you’re both on the same page).  It sounds like you’re unsure where things stand and maybe he can reassure you that he’s serious about marriage when the time is right.

Post # 4
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I think 4 years is too long- if you’re not getting married in the following year or so, what’s the rush to get engaged?  It’s not going to prolong the fun, it’s going to prolong the stress to have an engagement that long.

Post # 5
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

Don’t let people tell you an engagement is “too long” – we’re in a similar position, 20 and in our undergrad, and to us it’s important to be engaged now, even though we’re not getting married until 2012. our reasons are personal and practical – I’d like to start planning early, and we really wanted to have that level of commitment, since we’ve felt ready for about 3 years (been dating 5 1/2.) 

I think that the only time an engagement can be “too long” by any means is when for whatever reason, half of the couple doesn’t want to get married, and keeps procrastinating. As long as the two of you know your reasons, it’s what’s right for you. 

Post # 7
Member
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Why do you have to be engaged to save money?  I would think you could do that before you get engaged- I know I certainly did.  If you get engaged, great, it’s there!  If you don’t, great, it’s there!

Post # 8
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

For me, engagement is about making that next step public, and having friends and family share in wedding planning. Around here venues fill up at least a year in advance, sometimes two anyway. I think sometimes after a long-term relationship you’re just ready to take that next step, even if it means a longer engagement for financial reasons (which is exactly why we’re waiting until 2012, as well.)

Post # 9
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Four years is kinda long…  I think you’d probably end up moving it up.  If he’s 27, are you sure you couldn’t be married while finishing your education, if he’s already done?  But anyway it’s not up to anyone but you.  You both need to come to a decision based on how you feel and what’s right for you.  I can tell you though, that after having a 2.5 year engagement (almost done..in June…got engaged at 18 lol)…it gets old.  Most people who I’ve heard of having them eventually just want to be married and move on with life.  I would say I wouldn’t be engaged for more than 2 years if I were to start this whole thing over again, but at the same time, I don’t really regret the whole thing. 

Post # 10
Member
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I dont see anything wrong with a long engagement. I think it is more beneficial for younger couples such as yourself b/c you have time to save a lil money at a time for wedding expenses, and youre young so there is no rush.

I would however say that 4 yrs is almost too long b/c I would be afraid people would forget you’re engaged, nag you about if there will ever be a wedding, etc. This is happening to one of my sorority sisters, she is 26 ahd has been engaged since she was 22, and frankly I think the engagement/marriage spark is nearly gone..

Post # 11
Member
2404 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

i think you should do what is best for your own relationship..everyone is different and because of your situation a 4 year engagement may be best. 4 years is kinda long though, i could see where some of the excitement of it all might wear down, but again, all relationships are different ๐Ÿ™‚

Fiance and I dated for 10 years before we got engaged..and our engagement will be 2.5 years long. To some that is crazy, but for us its what works best. We have been together since high school and Fiance is finishing his residency in 3 months, then he will get a job. We’ll have a year to save $ and finally get married. Thats perfect for us.

 

Post # 12
Member
2856 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

It really all depends on your relationship and only you and your bf will know. My advice is to make sure you both are on the same page. Briefly talking about it and having an actual conversation (or multiple conversations) about your relationship and what steps are next are two totally different things. Years before our engagement, the hubs and I had talked thoroughly about what we wanted in our relationship and where we saw it going. We even discussed things like starting a family. Now, not everything goes as planned but since we were on the same page, it made our lives easier and never did we ever wonder the status of our relationship.

In my case, a 4 year engagement would have been entirely too long but we are at a different stage in our life compared to your situation.  So from what I have read, 4 years may not be too long. You both have a lot of things going on right now in your life and let me tell you, wedding planning is no joke. There are a lot of details, so having more time to plan will suit you well and you will be able to save up a good amount of money to have the wedding of your dreams.

To sum up my POV, just make sure you both are ready for that step and you know exactly where your relationship stands now and in the future. Everything will work out for the best!

Good luck with everything!!

Post # 13
Member
2767 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I think so.  15 months was too long for me.  But if you aren’t planning a wedding all 4 years then fine.  Don’t start planning the wedding until 13 months before hand otherwise you’ll change your mind a million times, waste money, and drive yourself crazy.

Post # 14
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I would generally speaking say that 4 years is “too” long.  And the way you are talking about it makes it sound like one of those “next step” perpetual engagements.  Not trying to sound harsh, but you should get engaged as a promise to marry, not to try to display your relationship to others as somehow more permanent than “just” living together.  JMO anyway, YMMV.

One particular thing about your post is that you say you want to be engaged within a couple of years so he can prove he is serious about you…but then you wouldn’t be getting married for four years or so after that.  IMO, a 4 year engagement will not prove that he is commited to you.  Four years is a LONG time.  He can think right now, “OK, we can get married, why not?” and not really worry about it, but still balk at it when it actually comes.  I mean, he doesn’t really have to think seriously about actually getting married for several years. 

Fiance and I have been living together for 11 years, but we did not get engaged until we were ready to make that ultimate commitment to each other.  We will have been engaged for just under a year when we get married.

Post # 15
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

4 years is not long. My Fiance and I have been together for almost 5 years and our engagement (when we get married) would of been for 2.5 years. We didn’t want to rush. I know alot of people who get engaged and then they start planning immediately instead of just enjoying the next phase in your relationship. My Fiance and I wanted to save money, pay down debt and like I said, transition into the next phase. Take your time, it doesn’t matter when you get engaged or when you get married…the people in your life who give you grief just don’t invite them when you actually get married. Alot of people gave us grief about us being engaged so long…but every relationship is different.

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