(Closed) How long is too long for an engagement?

posted 12 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 32
Member
1830 posts
Buzzing bee

I think it depends on what you want.  Some people aren’t quite at a place where they’re ready for marriage but want a stronger committment so become engaged, lets you know you’re both on the same page for the future, though I think it can be unnecessarily burdensome for long periods and put you in this limbo of committment vs an out without divorce – and in long engagements a lot of people take that ‘out’ so I would have been hesitant to be so committed to someone without actually making that committment in front of my friends and family and God. 

I think though for announcements for really long engagements since there’s a disconnect between the wedding and engagement people are excited but with reservations, it’s great to announce you really love someone but there’s so many things that could happen in four years I think it elicits a different reaction than oh yay wedding next spring.

Post # 33
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I don’t think there is such a thing as being engaged for too long or too short. You guys just have to figure out what you want between the two of you, don’t be too concerned with what convention says. My fiancee and I have been engaged for two years and aren’t getting married for another three years because we are students. Sometimes I feel stupid that we consider ourselves engaged because the wedding day seems so far away. But why rush it, you know? We are having a great time in our relationship now, and while part of me wants to get married right now because it just seems so exciting, the other part of me knows its okay to be where we are-going to school and working our butts off to save up for the wedding. It will just make it that much better when it happens. Sounds like you guys just have to start having some really honest conversations with each other about your expectations. Nothing else matters as long you two are on the same page!

Post # 34
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2011

In my opinion if getting engaged and getting married changes your relationship. or if you are expecting it to then there is probably something wrong. Obviously, its all about making the ultimate commitment to someone, and yes it is a HUGE deal, but at the same time…. if you are not confident enough in your relationship before it all happens, then getting engaged and then married will not make anything better, Rushing into it yourself, or pressuring your BF into anything is just irresponsible in my opinion. On the flip side, waiting for financial reasons, or just because it is the way you both want things to go in your relationship then that is great. Listen to your heart, talk frankly with your man, and just be honest.

Statistically speaking, if you are engaged for longer than two years the likelihood of your marriage lasting goes up 200 percent! So there is a PROVEN positive about long engagements πŸ™‚ We are having a 2 year 2 month engagement and no one has forgotten about it, and we have time to enjoy being engaged without the pressure of all the planning, AND plenty of time to plan it. Plus… what is the rush? If you both want to get engaged, then get engaged! πŸ™‚

Post # 35
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

By the time our wedding rolls around in July 2011 we would have been engaged for 3 1/2 years!! And I loved every moment of it!! We are young (23,24 by the time the wedding rolls around) and really enjoyed being able to soak up the engagement and taking the planning slowly. I always knew I wanted a long engagement so it was perfect!! Do whatever you want to do. It doesn’t matter what others think because it’s your life, not theirs. Cheers to you.

Post # 36
Member
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I never for myself like the idea of a long engagement. I never wanted to be engaged longer then a year. In my mind engagement means you’re ready to get married, not that you’re waiting to be ready to get married. Our wedding will be just under 10 months from our engagement date and that seems perfect to me.

If I were in your shoes I would probably decide to have a destination wedding or very small wedding. If it’s the big party you want you could have a huge bash for your 5 year anniversary or something!

Post # 37
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I don’t think you are being silly to want to be engaged. After 2 years we knew we wanted to get married, but didn’t get engaged until after 3 because of school (we’ll get married next year once we’ve both graduated).

I understand both feeling like it’s time to make an official commitment, and also wanting to wait for school. Keep in mind that many people get married before they graduate and just have a small affordable ceremony, but if you want to wait until you’re completely done, that’s fine too. It’s up to you.

I personally think a 4-year engagement is long, BUT it sounds like you have good reasons. I think it’s odd when long engagements are the result of the couple being unsure or procrastinating (because one party doesn’t want to or has commitment issues).

What I would do in your situation is have a very small affordable wedding (or even just a courthouse wedding) and then plan on having a larger ceremony later. I know someone who had the same dilema– they got married and didn’t tell anyone and then later had the “wedding” ceremony!

Post # 38
Member
1712 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Our engagement will be a little over 2 1/2 years by the time we get married. Honestly, I didn’t want to wait that long (besides the added bonus of being able to save more for the wedding), but I found out I got into nursing school AFTER we got engaged, so we really wanted to wait until I graduated.

Post # 39
Member
5 posts
Newbee

My Fiance and i just got engaged on the 19th of November, and we are having a long engagement (3-4 yrs).  I am finishing up my degree and he wants to be almost done with nursing school, and long story short, that means 3-4 years of engagement before the wedding.  It is mainly my parents that want us to complete our education and get jobs before we get married which I can understand, but then we have a bunch of people saying that finances will fall into place and if you keep putting it off then it will never happen (not quite sure I would go that far).  But I digress…for us it is school/financial/family wishes reasons that leads to our long engagement.  So no, I don’t think that 4 years is too long if it works for you.  And I know what you mean by wanting him to “claim you”.  It’s comforting knowing that he is willing to take that next step despite how long that next step will last.  I wish you the best!!

Post # 40
Member
394 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I don’t think that is too long for an engagement πŸ™‚  I have been with my fiance for over 4 years.. he proposed Dec 2011 and we don’t plan to get married until late 2014.  So that will make it roughly 3 years away which works out great for both of us.  We are both young (20 and 21).  He works full time and I don’t graduate until 2013.  So I will be working full time for a year by the time we tie the knot lol. That way we can have my big italian wedding and we will be able to build my dream house !!!  He is sooo good to me and I can’t wait for what the future holds.  I think you need to talk to him and see where he stands.. then you can take it from there xx  

Post # 41
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I think 2 years is too long for an engagement.

Post # 42
Member
622 posts
Busy bee

I got engaged in October, and my engagement will be at least 2 years due to the fact that we want one of us to be graduated from college and the other to at least be in their last semester. 2 years is a long engagement for many people, but we both know we want to marry each other. We could get married within the next year, but we have made it a goal to get as much school done as possible before we do.

Post # 43
Member
409 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think thats up to you! When we get married we will be engaged for 3 years. Some people think thats too long, but that’s their opinion – it has worked for us just fine. Do people joke to me about the length of my engagement, yes. But to be honest we had other things going on that were (to us) more important than getting married in what other people thought was an acceptable amount of time. You have to do what’s right for you and your SO. Just my 2 cents.

 

Post # 44
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

At first glance, I would have said yes 4 years is too long, but like EvaBostonTerrier said, if you are planning on going to pharmacy school a lot can change. There is always a lot to do during school and between school, work, clinic it may be hard to plan between all that. I am in my 3rd year now and a good number of my classmates are engaged and a lot are getting married by the end of this school year. So by 3rd or 4th year, you may have everything generally figured out as far as what you want to do or where you want to go after graduation. But a lot can change the first two years.

Also, O-H!! PM me if you ever want to talk or have questions about pharmacy school as well. Best of luck planning!

Post # 45
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Join the club πŸ™‚ Im going for my phd in pharmacy and have about 4.5-5 yrs left. Our engangement is kinda complicated, we are holding out until i finish school unless my ex agrees to give up paternal rights, then me and fi are gonna elope and plan a wedding after i am done with school and have a good job.

We got engaged on new yrs this yr and i have to say i dont mind waiting till im done with school. For practical reasons right now im getting grants and money for school that i would not be able to recieve if we were married, and we definetly do not make enough money to support ourselves our son and pay for 5 yrs of graduate school :/ For stupid ex reasons we are not getting married yet because of all the court issues we are waiting till he gives up paternal rights so my Fiance can adopt him.

 Do i think i will get tired of waiting… sure i will wish for it to come faster, but it doesnt make me feel any different than if our engagement was 12 months long. We have been open about it to everyone that we are having a long engagement due to my school and there is no way i could plan a wedding and go to school full time take care of my son and work… i would go insane! Everyone has been super supportive about it and understanding. I think as long as there are reasons there is no reason why 4 yrs would be too long.

Besides, we already bought a house together, a car together, we have all our bills in both names, bank accounts together, he treats my son just like his own, in every essence its almost like we are married, but it was weird introducing him as just my boyfriend. And a lot of people made it into a negative thing, like we shouldnt have done all that because we are ONLY dating. i felt like we had all this commitment but it was titled wrong, and i feel so much better calling him my fi than my boyfriend. Just my 2cents πŸ™‚

Post # 46
Member
425 posts
Helper bee

My Fiance and I are finishing our degrees and are in the process of a 3 year long engagement. It was really important for us to be engaged and share our plans for our future with everyone, make it official with a ring. I hated saying “IF we get married… IF we have kids…” I personally could never date someone for a long time without a promise for marriage- that is just not me, or him. We dated for just over 2 years before we got engaged and that was enough for me! haha our engagement is an assurance that we will be forever, and it is a great motivation to push through school πŸ™‚

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