How long is too long to wait for a proposal? And

posted 5 months ago in Engagement
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  • Post # 2
    Member
    2247 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2018

    peachybee88 :  Has he told you, or are you aware of what issues he feels you need to fix to get to “100%”? Do you have steps in place to get there, ie counseling? 

    I think it’s completely reasonable to work out any issues before getting engaged, so long at these are issues that actually exist and are fixable, and he’s not using this as an excuse. Hard for anyone of us to know the answer to that since you didn’t really elaborate. 

    I think it’s a good sign that he gave you a timeline of a year, rather than just saying “once things are perfect” and leaving it open ended. You may be ready within 6 months, a year is not much longer and it’s not fair for one person to give into pressure of the others timeline (within reason).

    Post # 3
    Member
    4256 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    I think if you were happy with 6 months then you should be willing to compromise to a year.  It sounds like this is the first serious conversation you have had about getting engaged and so to me, expecting it to happen immediately isn’t always realistic.  

    I can also understand why engagement isn’t on his radar with him being 27 and currently out of work for the foreseeable future.  Do you want a proper wedding, because if he has no real income and can’t afford a ring how will you afford a wedding?

    That said it is your life and if you don’t want to wait a year then you are fully entitled to move on.

    What issues does he see in your relationship? 

    Post # 6
    Member
    56 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: September 2019 - Saint Louis, MO

    If you really truly love him and want to make the relationship work and see it grow I would work on myself and the relationship and let him propose in his time. My then bf now fiancé was off with when he wanted to he never said a time. He proposed way earlier than I expected but he told me he wanted to surprise me he didn’t want me to know. He could plan on proposing way before! Please keep us posted. peachybee88 :  

    Post # 7
    Member
    2129 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

    peachybee88 :  I think if you believe you’ll be together forever, the give or take of 6 months probably isn’t going to make a huge difference in the long run.

    That being said – do you have a timeline in mind for starting on TTC? That might be one reason to argue for either asking for a proposal a bit sooner, or even TTC before you get officially engaged. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    2788 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2021

    peachybee88 :  as long as he isn’t expecting perfection or for you to be a completely different person, it is understandable that he would want you to get your anxiety issues under control before committing to a lifetime with you.  My best guy friend is getting married next summer to his long term partner after working through very similar issues with her. He proposed on their 5 year anniversary, though she had wanted to be engaged and married a solid 2 years before that. He knew he wanted her as his life partner long before that, but was hesitant because they had recurring issues that came back to her not dealing properly with her anxiety.  When she started really pushing for the engagement, he had to be perfectly blunt and honest with her – “I want to marry you and I intend to, but what I’m not willing to do is commit to a lifetime of getting into stupid fights every time we go out because you refuse to address your social anxiety and expect me to bend over backwards to accommodate it even when you’re being unreasonable”. 

    If that sounds like you, then be honest with yourself and with him and get to work! If, however, you truly believe that your anxiety isn’t the major red flag he says it is, you need to consider whether he is just makign excuses. You know yourself and your relationship best, so you need to figure out which it is. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    2788 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2021

    peachybee88 :  In that case, I think it’s fair to give him some time. Maybe let the topic go for a bit and  then in 6 months time ask him how he feels it is going and if he is feeling more confident in moving forward. If you are looking to TTC, then I think it’s fair of you to ask to be engaged before another year goes by. So maybe around the 6 month mark you guys can have a sit down and hammer out a good compromise. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    11105 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    After two plus years and living together for almost a year, I think he should know whether or not he wants to marry you. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t continue to work on your communication issue. But what he’s really saying is that to a certain extent you are still on trial and at this point that is not something I’d be OK with. At all. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    6354 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2016

    peachybee88 :  Hmm…I have a few thoughts about this. 

    #1 is that yes, you two should be continuously evolving together and working to be your best selves. But the way he phrased this makes it more sound like he’s telling you that YOU and YOU ALONE need to work on yourself before he’s willing to commit to you. I don’t like how he’s put this all entirely on your shoulders. Like if you behave he’ll reward you with a proposal. But a snippy comment or two and no ring for you. 

    #2 is the whole idea of having a “few married years to enjoy each other first” before TTC. I get one year to have fun being newlyweds, or longer if you are in fact not ready for kids (they’re a big responsibility), but say you get engaged right now, before the wedding you’ll still have had several years for just the two of you before trying for kids. Is there a specific reason that you want to push off TTC for several years AFTER marriage even though it’ll also be pushing your other TTC deadline as it were? 

    Post # 14
    Member
    129 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2019

    I kept pestering and dropping not-so-subtle hints to my my now-fiancé and when I finally just flat out asked him WHEN? he told me (back in April/May this year) that “it will be within a year”. He proposed on July 4—only like 2 months later.

    His reasoning was also that he needed to be more financially stable and save for the ring. He had just gotten a new job in February and he wanted time to settle in and have some money saved up for it. It didn’t take him as long as he thought.

    So, I’m betting your partner will be similar (hopefully!) and come to the conclusion that he’s ready and do it before the year he “quoted” you, which then might actually fall in line with your 6 months! If he’s asking you if you’ll say yes when he asks then it’s not a matter of if he wants to marry you, he clearly does, he just needs a bit of time yet.

    I regret pestering my guy so much now…but I was in the same boat. He had just turned 30 and I was like UMMMM OKAY SO HEYYY WE WANT KIDS SOON RIGHT?! I was terrible at hinting and we actually got into arguments about it. And he knew the whole time what his plan was, so I feel bad I bothered him about it so much. 

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