How long is too long to wait for a proposal? And

posted 5 months ago in Engagement
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    • Post # 1
    Member
    143 posts
    Blushing bee

    Hey Bees,

    I had a very productive conversation with my SO last night that has left me with a bit of worry and I’m not sure if I need to be more patient or not. 

    My partner and I first met each other for about 4 years ago, but after dating somewhat erratically and things not getting serious (this was a combination of both of us sending mixed signals, I just think we weren’t ready to commit at that point), we finally got serious just over two years ago. I started spending 99% of the time I wasn’t traveling for work at his place, went home with him for Christmas a couple of months later and then we officially moved in together at the beginning of 2018 and the rest is history.

    Last night the engagement topic came up (we have been discussing things more and more frequently, and he likes holding my left ring finger and rubbing it, asking if I will say yes when he asks, ring shopping, etc), so I’ve been hopeful that things are somewhat close on the horizon. I just turned 30, and he’s turning 28 in a couple of weeks. 

    I have always liked the idea of being together for about two years before getting engaged, and especially where I am getting older now I’m starting to feel the clock ticking. We both want two kids ideally, but I want a few married years to enjoy before kids come into the picture. We also wanted to buy a house next year and sell his/our condo, but I’ve told him I’m not comfortable with that until I am engaged at the very least.

    I ended up asking him how far away engagement was and he couldn’t really give me much of an idea , so I asked him to give a ballpark , and his answer was a year. I was really hoping to hear 6 months at the absolute most. I know a year isn’t really that much longer, but i can’t help being disappointed. I told him I never want to pressure him or anything but i also don’t want to get resentful towards him. I haven’t been really anxious for a proposal until a few months ago, but I am feeling ready and I’m not sure how hard it’s going to be to wait upwards of a year for that commitment.

    I asked him why, and he gave me two reasons: one being needing to save for a ring, which I understand (i also don’t think it would take a year, we both make good money, although he’s off on disability indefinitely due to a medical emergency and we aren’t sure where that will leave him financially yet). The other thing he said is that he wants to make sure we have all of the kinks worked out in our relationship, but he sees us as being 90% of then way to being 100% perfect. 

    This is where i disagreed with him a bit , i said i am really hoping his expectations aren’t too high of me because i don’t think a perfect relationship is attainable. Now i have concerns that I may end up waiting forever to be perfect, which won’t happen. He assured me that isn’t the case and we are on the same page more than I think, but I still feel uneasy. I also told him that I see engagement as a period where your relationship can continue to grow. If we both agree that we can’t imagine our lives with anyone else and we are committed to making it work no matter what it takes, why wait?

    I went to bed after that to give us both time to think, but I’m just anxious about this. We both love each other so much and are best friends, but I’m so worried I will end up wasting my best years on him and get let down. My 6 month idea (which i did not communicate to him because I don’t want to pressure him) and his 1 year maximum aren’t really that far off, but I’m really worried. I’m willing to put work in to continue to improve our relationship but I just hope it’s enough.

    Just wanted to hear from other bees if I’m overthinking this (as I am prone to do lol). I wish I was more patient but I’m just so ready for us to take things to the next level and it sucks when he’s apparently “10%” behind me. 

    Post # 2
    Member
    2247 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2018

    peachybee88 :  Has he told you, or are you aware of what issues he feels you need to fix to get to “100%”? Do you have steps in place to get there, ie counseling? 

    I think it’s completely reasonable to work out any issues before getting engaged, so long at these are issues that actually exist and are fixable, and he’s not using this as an excuse. Hard for anyone of us to know the answer to that since you didn’t really elaborate. 

    I think it’s a good sign that he gave you a timeline of a year, rather than just saying “once things are perfect” and leaving it open ended. You may be ready within 6 months, a year is not much longer and it’s not fair for one person to give into pressure of the others timeline (within reason).

    Post # 3
    Member
    4256 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    I think if you were happy with 6 months then you should be willing to compromise to a year.  It sounds like this is the first serious conversation you have had about getting engaged and so to me, expecting it to happen immediately isn’t always realistic.  

    I can also understand why engagement isn’t on his radar with him being 27 and currently out of work for the foreseeable future.  Do you want a proper wedding, because if he has no real income and can’t afford a ring how will you afford a wedding?

    That said it is your life and if you don’t want to wait a year then you are fully entitled to move on.

    What issues does he see in your relationship? 

    Post # 4
    Member
    143 posts
    Blushing bee

    futuremrs2020 :  sorry, you’re right, I didn’t elaborate! The remaining issue he sees is that when I get stressed or anxious, i can be a bit snappy and he sees it as me taking it out on him. Recently, this has not been much of an issue as I started taking antidepressants which seems to have fixed the issue, except the last few days where I’ve been PMSing. I agreed that it’s unfair to be snappy or curt with him (I am never insulting or yelling) and it’s something I need to be aware of and minimize, but I also worry that it may be something that may happen from time to time. He said it’s a side of me that when he sees, it’s a red flag to him, which is totally fair. 

    I just hope I can meet his expectations, because I do think most people get a bit snappy once in a while. Daily is another story, but if it’s for 2-3 days a month, is it really that bad? He said I just need to be self aware when I’m in a mood and try to take some space (which is hard given that we live in a small space and i work from home lol). He’s also home and unable to work or drive right now due to his illness. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    143 posts
    Blushing bee

    zzar45 :  re: income and work, he will basically still receive his full salary on disability, and we can afford our current living situation on either one of our salaries, so we are financially in a good place. I do agree that the uncertainty of it is a reason to wait though. Him being off work and dealing with something this serious is new to both of us, so maybe he’s right to be cautious. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    56 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: September 2019 - Saint Louis, MO

    If you really truly love him and want to make the relationship work and see it grow I would work on myself and the relationship and let him propose in his time. My then bf now fiancé was off with when he wanted to he never said a time. He proposed way earlier than I expected but he told me he wanted to surprise me he didn’t want me to know. He could plan on proposing way before! Please keep us posted. peachybee88 :  

    Post # 7
    Member
    2129 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

    peachybee88 :  I think if you believe you’ll be together forever, the give or take of 6 months probably isn’t going to make a huge difference in the long run.

    That being said – do you have a timeline in mind for starting on TTC? That might be one reason to argue for either asking for a proposal a bit sooner, or even TTC before you get officially engaged. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    143 posts
    Blushing bee

    teamroro :  TTC is my #1 concern. I don’t mind having kids in my mid thirties at the latest (we want our kids to be close in age), but even now that makes the timeline tough if we do want a few married years to enjoy each other first. I also know that a lot of people have difficulty conceiving and it gets harder the older you get. I absolutely don’t want kids before marriage though, and we agree on that. 

    You guys have made me feel a lot better and more secure with this, thank you so much for your replies. I think at the end of the day, it’s just hard when you meet “the one” at an older age and the biological clock can start ticking sooner than might be ideal. 

    Its funny because we both think we were fated to meet – he grew up 6 hours away and yet I was friends with his roommate for years without ever meeting him until years later when he moved here, plus a bunch of other weird things. I definitely need to work on my patience, I just don’t want to go crazy thinking about marriage 24/7 for the next year! He did say it could be sooner though, so i think i just need to trust him. Our families are already integrated (our parents talk all the time, I’m godmother to his nephew, talk to his mom every day etc) so I think i just need to give up my need for control 🙂

    Post # 9
    Member
    2788 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2021

    peachybee88 :  as long as he isn’t expecting perfection or for you to be a completely different person, it is understandable that he would want you to get your anxiety issues under control before committing to a lifetime with you.  My best guy friend is getting married next summer to his long term partner after working through very similar issues with her. He proposed on their 5 year anniversary, though she had wanted to be engaged and married a solid 2 years before that. He knew he wanted her as his life partner long before that, but was hesitant because they had recurring issues that came back to her not dealing properly with her anxiety.  When she started really pushing for the engagement, he had to be perfectly blunt and honest with her – “I want to marry you and I intend to, but what I’m not willing to do is commit to a lifetime of getting into stupid fights every time we go out because you refuse to address your social anxiety and expect me to bend over backwards to accommodate it even when you’re being unreasonable”. 

    If that sounds like you, then be honest with yourself and with him and get to work! If, however, you truly believe that your anxiety isn’t the major red flag he says it is, you need to consider whether he is just makign excuses. You know yourself and your relationship best, so you need to figure out which it is. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    143 posts
    Blushing bee

    sboom :  thanks for your experience with your friend! It’s definitely similar to mine. Going on medication has helped, I also hired a therapist to work through some of my issues. He agreed that I’ve made incredible progress lately and i think he just wants to see consistency and make sure it’s a lasting change. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    2788 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2021

    peachybee88 :  In that case, I think it’s fair to give him some time. Maybe let the topic go for a bit and  then in 6 months time ask him how he feels it is going and if he is feeling more confident in moving forward. If you are looking to TTC, then I think it’s fair of you to ask to be engaged before another year goes by. So maybe around the 6 month mark you guys can have a sit down and hammer out a good compromise. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    11105 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    After two plus years and living together for almost a year, I think he should know whether or not he wants to marry you. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t continue to work on your communication issue. But what he’s really saying is that to a certain extent you are still on trial and at this point that is not something I’d be OK with. At all. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    6354 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2016

    peachybee88 :  Hmm…I have a few thoughts about this. 

    #1 is that yes, you two should be continuously evolving together and working to be your best selves. But the way he phrased this makes it more sound like he’s telling you that YOU and YOU ALONE need to work on yourself before he’s willing to commit to you. I don’t like how he’s put this all entirely on your shoulders. Like if you behave he’ll reward you with a proposal. But a snippy comment or two and no ring for you. 

    #2 is the whole idea of having a “few married years to enjoy each other first” before TTC. I get one year to have fun being newlyweds, or longer if you are in fact not ready for kids (they’re a big responsibility), but say you get engaged right now, before the wedding you’ll still have had several years for just the two of you before trying for kids. Is there a specific reason that you want to push off TTC for several years AFTER marriage even though it’ll also be pushing your other TTC deadline as it were? 

    Post # 14
    Member
    129 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2019

    I kept pestering and dropping not-so-subtle hints to my my now-fiancé and when I finally just flat out asked him WHEN? he told me (back in April/May this year) that “it will be within a year”. He proposed on July 4—only like 2 months later.

    His reasoning was also that he needed to be more financially stable and save for the ring. He had just gotten a new job in February and he wanted time to settle in and have some money saved up for it. It didn’t take him as long as he thought.

    So, I’m betting your partner will be similar (hopefully!) and come to the conclusion that he’s ready and do it before the year he “quoted” you, which then might actually fall in line with your 6 months! If he’s asking you if you’ll say yes when he asks then it’s not a matter of if he wants to marry you, he clearly does, he just needs a bit of time yet.

    I regret pestering my guy so much now…but I was in the same boat. He had just turned 30 and I was like UMMMM OKAY SO HEYYY WE WANT KIDS SOON RIGHT?! I was terrible at hinting and we actually got into arguments about it. And he knew the whole time what his plan was, so I feel bad I bothered him about it so much. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    143 posts
    Blushing bee

    llevinso :  On your first point, i made it clear that expecting perfection is unrealistic. He has things to work on as well, I just didn’t bother to include them here as they aren’t deterring me from being ready to marry him. I did tell him a few ways he could assist in facilitating the things that he is concerned about, and he was receptive to my suggestions.

    You make a great point about my timeline. You’re right that we absolutely could TTC sooner after marriage, it’s just not exactly what I pictured, but it’s true that we are still enjoying each other now despite not being married. Of all the things to compromise on, I think this is a valid point and definitely something that we can adjust when the time comes! 

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