How long is too long to wait for a proposal? And

posted 1 year ago in Engagement
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  • Post # 17
    Member
    1111 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    llevinso :  Your #2 is what I was wondering. Maybe it’s tinged by my personal perspective – together for 2 years before we married, now married 1 year, and I’m so ready TTC but we have to get a few things in order first – but I’m not clear on what would be different about “enjoying each other” after you’re married compared to enjoying each other before.

    It’s great you’re working on your own issues with medication (and therapy? wasn’t clear from the post). I also want to put in a plug for premarital counseling. My husband and I were and are super happy together and rarely fought/fight, but those few counseling sessions (I got them free through my EAP) really helped us to understand each other’s communication styles. 

    Post # 18
    Member
    199 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2019 - Green Bay, WI

    peachybee88 :  YES. Your guy sounds just like mine. Mine also said “don’t ruin the surprise” “don’t ruin it” “just be patient” and stuff like that. Also he’s the same way with big decisions. I feel like the four of us would get along well, lol.

    Post # 20
    Member
    1111 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    peachybee88 :  It’s definitely worth looking into! My EAP is cool – they cover 6 counseling sessions and you can choose from various services, such as financial counseling, weight loss, etc. The way mine worked was that I had to notify the HR person and they found a therapist in my area who was willing to work with their payment method. She was good, and I think we only used 4 sessions before we kind of ran out of topics to cover. But it was a safe space to talk about things from our dating and family history that could affect how we perceive the other person’s behavior, and make sure we cover some important stuff like kids, money, how to deal with our famliies, etc. We didn’t have any interest in a religious-based premarital course, and this was my first experience with therapy, so it was eye-opening for me!

    Post # 21
    Member
    2142 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2019

    Personally, I think you should have a talk again and tell him about your 6mo timeline. When I talked about it with my fiance he wanted to wait, but I was more than ready (I wouldn’t have moved in with him if I wasn’t). So we discussed when we wanted to get married and I talked to him about the timeline on planning a wedding. We started ring shopping fairly quickly after our conversation. But it was a a two person conversation. He didn’t just dictate to me when he was ready to propose and I kept my mouth shut and was disappointed about the date. 

    I’m also not super comfortable with the “we’re not there yet” portion. You’ve been dating for a long time. People continue to grow, the point is you want to do it together. No way would I accept a proposal as a prize for good behaviour. I definitely agree with premarital counseling. And I definietly think another conversation is warrented around timelines and whhether this is something he actually wants to do. 

    Post # 22
    Member
    1888 posts
    Buzzing bee

    peachybee88 :  I would say it is fair for you to pick up this conversation again next week. 

    At that time I think you should ask him to list the things he needs answers to before you get married. Because he can’t just say issues generally without actually saying what they are. Also if he never tells you specifics how are you supposed to believe a year is enough time as you can’t work on something he doesn’t tell you about. 

    Just have another conversation, ask him what things he has in his head that need answers before he proposes. ( For me my boyfriend mentioned religion and living together as the two things he wanted to make sure we are on the same page about. Religion bc of how we would raise our kids. I answered his question and that was it. We are now living together so that is also accomplished soon.) Talk it out. And feel free to tell him your timeline. This is a partnership and a negotiation. I have done the same thing with my boyfiend. He would like a year from now to propose, i want to be getting married next Fall so we do need a compromise and are working towards one. But the one thing my boyfriend has said that has been helpful is he has always been happy to talk about it with me, he has been kind, and a good listener, and never has gotten mad, or stressed or anything. He has never used language about how I need to work on things before a proposal or anything of that nature. Even when we weren’t on the same page timeline wise he was gentle about it and willing to compromise. Those are the things you wanna look for as you two talk about it. There shouldn’t be any anger from him, or annoyance, or evasiveness. If he loves you and wants to spend his life with you, you should be able to feel that when you talk to him about it. 

    Post # 23
    Member
    1888 posts
    Buzzing bee

    peachybee88 :  I did want to add that it is a good idea to stop hinting and teasing about it. If you want to talk to him about it seriously then have a conversation about it. But everytime I have seen a girl hint, and joke, and tease the guy about a proposal the guy doesn’t react well to that. It comes off as nagging and immature. Because the mature approach is to just speak your thoughts, not passive agressively comment on it. So as hard as it is, don’t do it. Save it for real adult conversations. 

    Post # 24
    Member
    745 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

    peachybee88 :  I am a huge fan of being patient for proposals. I waited 10 years of dating for mine and I am so glad I did. Just like youyr fiance said, we were able to work out all the kinks in our relationship. Our relationship is no where near perfect, but I’m glad we took the time to really know eachother and grow into each other as people. Had my fiance proposed 5 years ago, I would have said no. or if I had said yes, we definitely would have gotten divorced, and quickly.

    However, your situation is a little different, I totally get that whole ‘clock is ticking’ thing. I met my fiance when I was 17. So we had 10 years to spare.

    I think that a year is not too much to ask for. Try to be patient and wait. Who knows, he might surprise you and do it earlier! I always recommend more time. More time to get to know eachother, more time to grow as people and as a couple. Try and be patient, but me firm on his year mark. If it gets to over a year, tell him you are not waiting anymore, you don’t have the time to have him waste your best years on a maybe.

    Try waiting 4 or 5 months and apparoch the subject again. If he is still wishy washy about it, tell him he needs to get serious or you’ll need to go your seperate ways. Not ideal if thats what happens, but betetr than waitign around forever for something that isn’t coming.

    Good luck Bee!

    Post # 25
    Member
    30 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: December 2018 - IU

    I would say not to stress out too much about the one year timeline as he may be giving you a longer timeline to throw you off for when he actually proposes.

    My fiance did the same thing and told me that my proposal was still months away and was outside of my preferred timeline. (I am in grad school and have to go by the university’s breaks so if he didn’t propose within my timeline, the wedding would have pushed back at least a full year). He was just telling me this so I wouldn’t be suspecting a proposal and he did end up proposing within my timeline. We are now getting married at the end of this year during my winter break!

    The fact that he has given you a timeline is a good thing and I would now resist the urge to bring up the proposal topic too often. I feel bad because the night before my fiance proposed I was complaining to him about him not proposing soon as we were nearing the end of my preferred timeline. I had no idea he was planning to do it tomorrow. I wish I would have been more trusting of him and tried harder not to nag about engagements.

    I would however let your boyfriend know that you really would like it in the next 6 months. He can’t make you happy with a proposal in your timeframe if he has no idea that is what you want.

    Post # 26
    Member
    1906 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2019

    Agree with pp… I’d give it a few months. He’s been giving you major signs that he’s looking to propose and we are entering engagement season which also includes your 1 year anniversary from moving in. He may have been trying to throw you off by saying a year. 

    Try not to focus on it too much because he may have meant a year, but I’d table the subject and revisit after Valentine’s Day if you haven’t gotten engaged or had a more serious discussion. 

    If nothing happens, then being up the subject, tell him that after dating for 4 years you understand wanting to continually improve the relationship, but you believe he should know you well enough to know if he wants to marry you. And if he doesn’t know then he probably will never be sure or it isn’t a good fit. In which case you deserve to be able to look for someone who will be sure. 

    Post # 28
    Member
    1906 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2019

    I wouldn’t wait a full year to discuss. Rings can take a couple of months to make. You’d be 31 in a year and having the discussion then would make you  32+ prior to marriage.  And if he doesn’t propose? You be starting over at over 31. 

    You can only pressure somebody into something they don’t want. So I don’t think raising the subject in 6 months is overly demanding. But regardless of which way it goes, I think you’ll be happy not to waste the extra 6 months. 

    Post # 29
    Member
    1888 posts
    Buzzing bee

    miera31695 :  I am glad it worked out for you but I really don’t like how your boyfriend went about it. See I think we as women need to communicate to our guys that it isn’t worth it for them to try to pull a fast one on us to make it more of a surpise at the expense of riling up bad feelings and anger. To me that is a horrible way to start out a proposal and would seriously taint a proposal for me. I think men don’t get this unless we spell it out. Guys clearly think they need to do whatever they have to, to make it a suprise not realizing how much that frustrates us and is honestly mean. 

    You had a timeline that was logical as you mentioned with your school schedule. Him acting like he wasn’t going to adhere to that and throw off all the plans was really mean. I am sure he didn’t think of it that way at all and had no bad intentions but I can imagine how upsetting that must have been for you to think he wasn’t being considerate of the timing that needed to take place with school. 

    I think we all need to start telling our boyfriends that that kind of a bait and switch while meant to make things more exciting, is in fact damaging to the relationship. It is all still going to be just as exciting and wonderful even if we aren’t 100% suprised it is happening. It is up to us in the beginning to say, hey im all for excitement and suprises but I don’t want anything about a proposal to be damaging to our relationship so surrounding our engagement I am not interested in any kind of a fake out to make me think it isn’t happening because i find that sort of thing just mean. 

    Im sure I could find a better way to actually phrase it. But im saying basically it is on us to communicate to our guys that a proposal can be as exciting and wonderful even if we know its coming, and that for our peace of mind its better to know than to feel badly about it. 

    Post # 30
    Member
    30 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: December 2018 - IU

    ladyjane123 :  Thank you for your reply. We had a wonderful proposal and I am very happy with how it all went down. I had told him that I had wanted a surprise and did not want to know exactly when it would happen. He is one of the sweetest men I know and is constently putting me above himself. I honestly do not deserve him in my life. We are very excited to be husband and wife next month and I hope your wedding process is going well!

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