How long should I wait?

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
4798 posts
Honey bee

You claim you know he is “the one”.

Everything in your post says he doesn’t think the same thing about you.

Not sure why you would wait for someone who flat out tells you that after five years he still doesn’t think you are “the one”.  Because thats what he’s saying.  Telling you to change who you are is him saying he doesn’t like you enough as you are to be “the one” but maybe he’ll consider it if you stop being you.  That’s conditional settling. He may love you, but he doesn’t seem to like you…at least not enough to consider you a compatible life long partner.

I guess I would want to be with someone who actually likes me and accepts me as is. The longer you wait on this guy who doesn’t like you, the longer you put off finding someone who does like you for you.  

Post # 17
Member
294 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@StephCor:  it sounds like you’re unsure if you believe him when he says “soon”. Consider asking the “miracle question”. My therapist actually taught me this.  I love it bc it takes away the “excuses” or “reasons” women often hear and forces them to answer honestly. I’ll use an example we see often on wedding bee . You can adjust it to your own circumstances. But when you ask it do it calmly and remember you are only gathering info. You can respond to it later or another day. You might find out your fears are real or you might get the answer you are hoping for. 

ex. Boyfriend says soon but is saving up for a ring. Boyfriend wants a better job first. Boyfriend needs time to plan logistics….

 

question – Hey boyfriend, if we woke up tomorrow and a miracle had happened. You had $ and had the ring, everything was ok with your job, and you had every detail of the proposal worked out perfectly, would you be ready to propose tomorrow or do you feel you’d need more time? 

The answer will bring you the clarity you need. 

 

Post # 18
Member
562 posts
Busy bee

Gotta love those control freaks. He’s using the “reward” of marriage to motivate you to change who you are to his specifications. That’s….kind of terrible. Is your “moodiness” recent? Or has he been silently waiting for five years, hoping you’d “level out”? Perhaps his retentive nature is the reason for this “moodiness”. Or perhaps that’s simply YOU, and if he has a problem with it, he shouldn’t be marrying you. 

I’m not usually one to urge posters to dump their boyfriends for foot-dragging if adequate communication hasn’t been attempted. In this case, I don’t think it matters how much you talk about marriage, he’s probably going to continue to stonewall or “negotiate” with you because he’s too chicken shit to admit that he doesn’t want to marry you.  

Post # 19
Member
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2022

Bee, you have received great advice and multiple perspectives. Update us in July. Hoping for the best

Post # 20
Member
8457 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
@StephCor:  If he was “the one for you”, you wouldn’t have to change yourself. Right? When you say “moody,” do you mean you lash out at him, or give him the cold shoulder? Or does it just mean that you’re not as cheerful and compliant as usual? If you act inappropriately and YOU feel like you would be a happier healthier person by modifying your behavior, that’s one thing. But if you really don’t think your behavior is that bad, then changing to please him is not healthy and tbh he’ll probably just find another fault that he suddenly realizes he can’t live with. 

he has been looking for a new job for a year but hasn’t found one as he’ll only go for ones that meet a long list of specific requirements.” — Replace “job” with “partner” in that sentance. This is exactly what he’s doing to you. He hasn’t left his current job, right? Because an ok job is better than no job while he looks for his dream job. Replace “job” with “partner” in that sentance. You do not meet his long list of requirements, but you’re better than nothing until he finds someone who does.

You deserve better.

Post # 21
Member
7936 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

You shouldn’t have waited five years with a man that age; you certainly shouldn’t wait any longer. 

Post # 22
Member
675 posts
Busy bee

In your circumstances, I honestly wouldn’t wait any longer..

Post # 23
Member
5885 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

You should have left at the 2.5-3 year mark.hes wasting your time now. I’m moody as f**k and got married without having to change myself or “prove”myself. Who ISN’T moody?? You’re human for f sakes. Throw him back and fish again. you dont want to be 35-40 years old freaking out about all the time lost on him. Move on.

Post # 24
Member
10223 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

If he doesn’t like *moody*, he should just avoid humans altogether.

Just how *moody* are we talking about?  Are weapons involved? 

It’s not a good sign that, if he legitimately had concerns over your *moodiness*, this is the first you have heard about what a BFD it is. Healthy couples have ongoing dialogues about these things. Some men will even care enough to want to support you in finding out the cause of your difficult moods.

It’s also not fair to throw out a label like *moody* without giving you examples of specific behaviors that bother him.

More likely, it was the first thing that popped into his head.

I wish I knew who said this so I could give proper attribution.

 

One man’s “I’m not ready”, is another man’s “I knew the second I saw her.”

–Unknown

Post # 25
Member
2917 posts
Sugar bee

So your 37 year old boyfriend thinks you’re too moody to marry but it’s totally fine for the last 5 years just dating. 

Yea this guy just doesn’t want to get married. 

Sorry bee, but an engagement ring isn’t a shiny reward for acting like a good girl and changing your behavior and actions. It’s classic for men who don’t want to get married to say things like “if you just change X we can get married” or “when you do X it makes me wonder if we’re ready for marriage.” 

Post # 27
Member
957 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Start planning what your life will be without him.  Let that be your focus.

Post # 28
Member
10654 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
@StephCor:  

Well, if you are ok with a man who thinks it is ok to instruct you to improve yourself until you are worthy to accept the ineffable gift of possible marriage to his impeccable self , then all you have to do is , idk, improve yourself l guess.

 The very idea! SO arrogant and insulting . 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors