Post # 1
I have been with my SO for a little over two years. At first I thought he was wonderful – so caring, so kind, so thoughtful. For the first six months it was all new and exciting; after that I began to feel insecure because he still hadn’t said “I love you.” After a number of arguments and me telling him how important those words are to me, he eventually said it back when I said it to him (a little over the one year mark).
At around the 18 month mark, I suggested that we start thinking about living together – to which he told me he doesn’t think it makes sense because I am considering leaving to study for my MBA.
One night – the week before our two year anniversary – I asked him where he sees the relationship going and if I am the person he sees himself with in five years time – to which he answered “I don’t know” and went on to tell me that he doesn’t feel ready and can’t see himself being married for at least five to six years. I told him I can’t wait that long (I am 28) and want to have children sooner rather than later and he said he would try to be ready and that he does want to be with me.
He is so kind and sweet and thoughtful when we are together and we spend a lot of time together – most evenings, weekends and vacations – but he is not committing to anything and I am beginning to lose interest. Had he proposed 6 months ago I would have been happy and excited and now I just feel deflated.
Has anyone else been in this kind of situation? How long do you think it is reasonable to wait for a proposal? Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you xo
Post # 2
Communication is key. Keep talks of marriage on the relaxed side, don’t turn things into a debate. Because as much as you feel ready, you cannot shoehorn him into a proposal. You have 3 options.
1) wait it out until your man feels ready. Me and my Fiance were together 7 years before he popped the question (I’m 29 now). Fiance was clear that he wanted to get his “ducks in a row” before moving forward and I was prepared to wait.
2) you take the initiative and propose to him. It depends how traditional you man is, my Fiance wanted to do the whole down on one knee proposal, so I didn’t want to take that away from him, another reason I waited it out.
3) move on. If the relationship isn’t moving at a pace that you are comfortable with. Talk to him about it and tell him that you are not happy. This will either spur him on, or make it clear that you are not suited.
These options depend a lot on each personality, and your chemistry as a couple. Start with open talks and see if you can get to the root or the reason why he is stalling.
Post # 3
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
You two are not on the same page. He said he doesn’t think he’ll be ready for 5-6 years and he’s probably being honest about that. If that is too long for you, you need to reconsider the relationship. It’s possible he may magically move his “ready” timeline up by several years, but I wouldn’t bank on it. Neither of you are wrong in your positions, you’re just not in the same position.
Also, you should never have to argue with someone to get them to say they love you. That is something that needs to come naturally to both people. My Fiance told me he loved me more than once and months before I felt comfortable saying it back to him, and he never once pressured me to say it before I was ready to. When I was ready I said it, and I meant it.
Post # 4
There are some similarities here between my Fiance and me. But also some key major differences: he also took a year to say he loved me, but also always communicated with me that he wanted to say it when he knew he truly meant it. I was the one to bring up living together, which he wanted to think about first, but when he did, he was very excited to after deciding it was definitely what he wanted. He never spoke about marrying me (or not marrying me) but always said he knew I was in his future. He proposed at 2.5 years, he just wanted to surprise me.
So at times with my Fiance I had wondered whether I had a complete commitmentphobe on my hands, but I never really did, just someone who liked to think things through methodically.
I can’t know your entire relationships ins and outs but there isn’t much encouraging in your post that your SO wants to commit to you.
Post # 5
smudgie : I second what Smudgie said. I was with my fiancee for 6 years before we got engaged. Same thing–he wanted to have his ducks in a row first–he had a job, but didn’t have his dream career. When he landed that, he proposed three months later (during Christmas-time because it’s my favorite). Honestly though, he was kind of oblivious to the fact that I wanted to get engaged for a while. I was getting anxious, but I knew he was the one I wanted to spend my life with, so breaking up or that ultimatum nonsense wasn’t even in my mind. That’s not how you want to start a marriage.