(Closed) How long should you wait?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
41 posts
Newbee

I think there is no universal rule. I am young (22), but have been dating my bf for more than 4,5 years, living together 3,5, so I think this is a pretty decent time to get engaged soon. Also, I don’t want to get married straigt away (maybe after Masters degree), so why not? Even though it is a bit too early to get married, but after so much time I feel the need for progression in our relationship and engagement is the best option this time. 

But if I was older, I would probably want to get engaged earlier. If you really know that person is “the one”, there’s no need to wait long. If you really love, no house or money issues are the problem – you can achieve it all together.

Post # 3
Member
301 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Post # 4
Member
1666 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018 - Our Backyard

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submart:  interesting! I love statistical shit like that lol

Post # 5
Member
4259 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2016 - Manhattan, NY

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submart:  To each their own… There’s no one “right” way to date or length of engagement or one “right” anything regarding affairs of the heart. 

Post # 6
Member
485 posts
Helper bee

Haha, it’s nice to see my relationship confirmed. ๐Ÿ˜›  FI and I dated for over two years before getting engaged (though technically we should have waited three, according to these stats).  When we get married, I’ll be 27 and he’ll be 29.  We don’t live together yet, but we’ll end up living together for more than three months before we get married, simply because we’re having a longer engagement.  I’m surprised about the six month engagement length, though!  What is the justification/explanation for that?  I can’t even imagine trying to plan a wedding in six months.

Post # 7
Member
2411 posts
Buzzing bee

My mother knew my father just shy of 5 weeks and was married 39 1/2 years, until he died.

I dated DH for a year before we got engaged and 6 months later we were married. We’ve been married over 35 years.

We never lived together until we married.

Post # 8
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree about the living together prior to engagement/marriage. Women tend to see living together as a step forward in a relationship; men see it as more of a lateral move. It’s convenient, and too easy to get comfortable. The result is that the relationship remains in stasis while other options (dating) are effectively cut off. I realize this is not true for every couple, but I’ve seen it often enough that I would call it a common pattern. And I advised my daughter that she not live with her bf before engagement. 

But I got engaged after 6 months of dating. When you know, you know.  We were engaged for a year, per my father’s advice.

Post # 9
Member
5145 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

Eh, I guarantee you can find a lot of people who did all the “right” things and ended up miserable and/or divorced, and people who did all the “wrong” things and have had very healthy and happy long marriages. I know people who know more about each other in 6 months of dating – as they communicate openly and honestly – then people who have been married 10 years.  I know people who were “surprised” to find out things they did not like about their partners despite being together 3+ years, and others who weren’t. Honestly, I think it is mostly about meeting each other at the right time in life, each knowing yourselves well, life and relationship experiences, emotional maturity, healthy communication, and a certain je ne sais quoi together, and so on then giving it a certain “time” or following “rules” about living together or not. 

My husband and I met when we were 28 and 33. We moved across country and moved in 5 months later. Engaged at a year, and married 2 1/2 months  later. We were 29 and 34. We just celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary. We both feel incredibly fortunate and happy to be sharing our lives together. We still always remain curious and interested in each other because there is ALWAYS more to learn about each other unless you are incredibly dull people!  When we met, we had both had a lot of life and relationship experiences (including living with partners and have no regrets about living with them even though they ended – it was always important to me to live together before any engagement or marriage) and we were very committed to complete openness, honesty, and vulnerability with each other. Marriage was however never a “must” for me, lifetime commitment in whatever form, was. My husband and I just knew what we had was something very special, and we we were committed before we ever even exchanged vows.

Post # 10
Member
3416 posts
Sugar bee

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WiredOwl:  all the LOLs!

Post # 11
Member
287 posts
Helper bee

I defy your statistics! ๐Ÿ˜‰

I’m 23, will be married at 23, engaged at 21 (after 3 and a half years) and living together for 2 and a half years.

I’m happy, he’s happy, and that’s all I care about at the end of the day. No one else is in this relationship but us.

Post # 12
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Interesting but I wouldn’t take to heart! I think some people could get very wrapped up in these ‘guidelines’,  so anyone reading to each their own and take it with a pinch  of salt! 

I’ve done pretty much everything the way that *apparently* shouldn’t and I’m happier than ever. 

Good for a discussion though ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Post # 13
Member
335 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I dated my fiance for 9 years before we got engaged, and we lived together about 3 years before getting engaged. 

Sure, there’s the obvious need to know each other and stuff and all that but relationships happen in the real world, not on paper. 

People love to throw out facts about how their parents or grandparents met 50+ years ago… well, in today’s society finances and life accomplishments are different. My mom left high school, got married at 18, and moved out of her parents’ house into a house my dad built. That’s NEVER going to happen 40 years later for my finance and I, who both have university degrees and still rent an apartment. Our reasons for dating as long as we did before getting engaged were purely financial.

Post # 14
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I agree that living together before engagement can be tough, especially when you’re older. I was waiting for my ex bf to propose when we moved in together and needless to say it didn’t end well. For that, I am thankful! I was older and wiser when I met my fiancé. I didn’t want to repeat the situation with him, so I was hesitant to move him into my house, but I knew he was definitely The One. We got engaged a little over a year later, and it was only that long since he had knee surgery and wasn’t able to work for a few months, so he wanted to be cautious about still keeping a savings before buying a ring. It all depends on your situation.

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