Post # 1
This is my first post.
My SO and I have known each other for 4 years, I am 30 and he is 36. We used to work together and I was still married when we first met. I got divorced and we tried dating last year but it got complicated because he was moving and was just too much. Last year we dated 5 months. He moved and I dated someone else, I then found out that he was moving back and just couldn’t stop thinking about him. So we met up and the feelings were still there so we decided to give it one more shot. We have now been dating 7 months this year. We really like being around each other and stay together every night and he does like that and so do I. We both work a lot / nights / weekends so when we do see each other at the end of the long day it’s nice to spend the time. I want to get married again and have children because I’m 30, Ideally before 35. I have mentioned this to him in the past but it has not gone down well at all as he takes it I want to get married right NOW, which I don’t – but I would like to in 2 years. I have read pretty much every forum and every response on all threads about this – and I am wondering – if a man is really negative about talking about any future plans past next month. He is a very bad communicator and does not want to go to counceling because he does not think there is anything wrong with how he communicates. I don’t want to be stuck dating someone until 35, still not be married and then not be able to have children. Maybe talking about “where we are heading” is too early at 7 months at age 24 but I feel like for someone 30/36 – this should at least be mentioned without a blow up because I do want to know.
His responses have ranged from “stop pressuring me, I am not talking about this, this is too soon to talk about anything like that, I don’t want to be your next ex husband to straight up – I dont care about your biological timeline, if you can’t have kids by the time I am ready to marry that’s not my problem” I know he has anger issues and I am so confused at this point because he does like to come home to me every day, he tells me he loves me, he doesnt really go out or look for other women, he has introduced me to his sister and his friends, we have had several fun vacations and on the daily it does go ok. I’m just wondering if his lack of communication skills and total negativity about talking about potential future will end up with me single at 35 without any kids.
I feel like I do love him a lot, but just don’t know how to get over such rejection during casual mentioning of “I like this neighborhood” if we drive by there – which goes on to responses such as above or “talking like that doesnt make me happy”
Advice? Anyone who has been with someone who refused to talk about future plans with them and it worked out? Is this a matter of me not mentioning ANYTHING at all until 1 year, 2 year mark? I just feel communication is important and if I can’t even get any answers now, how will that change with more time?
My question is has anyone been with somoene who was openly this negative about talking about future from the beginning and just “wanted to focus on the relationship” and have them change their mind later or “grow into wanting it.”
Thanks so much.
This topic was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by wedtobe123.
Post # 2
I don’t believe in soulmates or anything like that, so personally if you are in a place where marriage and having children are a priority for you I don’t see the point in dating someone who isn’t. What happens if you wait two years and he still isn’t ready? I’m sure he’s a great guy in so many ways but there are a lot of great guys out there – go find someone who is looking for the same things you are right now and is actually willing to talk about it. Otherwise, you might be right back here again in 2 years and again in 4. 6, 8, wondering if one day he’ll finally be ready.
Post # 3
Bee, I hear you about being 30 and wanting to just settle down with the One, but I am not sure this guy is him, at least not now. While seven months of dating seems premature to actually get engaged (for most), it is definitely NOT too soon to have a talk about where yoou see the relationship heading. The fact that he stonewalls you when you try to bring this up (“I am not talking about this!”) is a huge red flag. And his comments about not wanting to be another ex husband seem downright cruel.
I feel that you are downplaying the fact that he’s so bad at communciating, like it’s just another quality he has, along with leaving his dirty socks on the floor or something. But the reality is, failure to communicate is one of the leading causes of divorce. If I were you, I would definitely think twice about putting my life on hold for a 36 year old man who is so immature he refuses to communicate about something so basic as where he sees the relationship going.
ETA: If he’s not ready for engagement, then he should tell you so in a calm, compassionate way rather than blowing up any time you mention it. All he has to say is “hey I enjoy being with you, but I am just not ready right now to commit to a timeline for getting engaged. How about we keep doing what w’ere doing and reassess in awhile?”
Post # 4
I’m in my 30s and I think 7 months is way to early to talk about marriage. I personally wouldn’t bring it up until at least a year so enjoy and analyze the relationship, see if this is someone you can build a lifetime relationship with.
Post # 5
He is a very bad communicator and does not want to go to counceling because he does not think there is anything wrong with how he communicates.
“stop pressuring me, I am not talking about this, this is too soon to talk about anything like that, I don’t want to be your next ex husband to straight up – I dont care about your biological timeline, if you can’t have kids by the time I am ready to marry that’s not my problem”
I know he has anger issues
Uh, and this spells “marriage material” how exactly? He’s your crappy rebound. Chill out and date people who aren’t like, openly mean to you.
Post # 6
I was with my ex for 6 years and he didnt want to talk about marriage in any real way. he was fine with hypothectical marriage talk, but not setting any sort of time line. After our 6 year annoversity i realized marriage was ont gonn happen with him, When i meet my fiance I told him on the 2nd date if he would not be ok with us being engaged after 2 years, then we were both wasting on time; because i made 30 a few week after our 1st date, and I knew I wanted to have kids soon. We talked about marriage in a serious way early on, and after 2 1/2 years he proposed, it would of been sooner but with dating long distance we wanted to give each other a bit more time to be sure. So my advice would be to not waste time if you know you wants kids. He can wait til after 50 if he wants, but as a woman you know the health risks for you and risk of downs syndrom for waiting to have kids after 35. I do not suggest giving him an ultimatium, but i would give urself one. If there is no serious talk of marriage after a certain date, then you should leave so that you can find a husband who wants kids on your timeline.
Post # 7
I wouldn’t remain in a courtship with a man who refuses to discuss the future, so I’d vote that you should move along; he’s not the groom you’re looking for.
Just my $0.02.
Post # 9
He is telling you that he isn’t interested in marrying you, and honestly, he’s being a dick about it. Who says ” I don’t want to be your next exhusband” and even more so the part about having kids! Saying it’s not his problem is you can’t have kids…. where’s the partnership in that? Where’s the team, the support? Time together and meeting his sister aside… he hasn’t emotionally invested in a future with you, otherwise he’d understand that kids are on both of your timelines, not only yours. And he’s made it clear that he couldn’t care less that you want kids. That’s so selfish
I would give some space in the relationship, and spend some time really thinking about what you want. How would you feel if you waited too long to have kids? How much resentment would build?. Think of what you like and don’t like about your relationship, and think of which of these are short, mid and long term strengths or barriers. Marriage and kids aside, what do you think a future withim him looks like?
I would take him at face value for what he is telling you, and keep your options open. There are other people out there, and for Fs sake, you should be able to comment about a nice neighborhood without having a knee jerk dramatic reaction.
Post # 10
I would say after a few dates if someone can’t confirm what their main life goals are it’s time to move on if you know marriage and a family is what you want for yourself.
ETA this doesn’t mean them saying they want to marry you, but just saying if that is something that they want out of life in general.
Post # 11
Speck_: YES. Everything she said.
I’m not exactly sure why you want to marry this dude in the first place.
Post # 12
Why on earth would you want to marry a bad communicator with anger management issues, who is negative and toxic too?
C’mon! Is this really the dude you want to spend forever with????
Post # 13
I dont think that he is the guy for you. And even if he is, you are pushing the relationship along way to fast. You say you have know him for 4 years; a few of them you were married, some of the time you were not even together. And this year, you have only been dating for seven months. I do not blam him for accusing you of pressuring him. This is a recipe for another divorce. You can not rush a relationship. Let the realtionship take its course or move on to someone that is willing to move at your pace.
Post # 14
wedtobe123: I do think you are rushing things a bit with him, but his responses are very concerning. Do you want to be with someone who has anger issues? Don’t assume he’s going to change.
“stop pressuring me, I am not talking about this, this is too soon to talk about anything like that, I don’t want to be your next ex husband to straight up – I dont care about your biological timeline, if you can’t have kids by the time I am ready to marry that’s not my problem.”
Also, I don’t think you should contribute his anger towards a lack of communication. He is communicating clearly. It sounds like you are refusing to listen to him.
Had he said something along the lines of, “We’ve only been together for 7 months. I can’t predict the future and will need more time before I can honestly talk to you about marriage, kids, future, etc.,” then yes, you should wait it out. Currently, I don’t see things working out very well between the two of you. You’ll probably end up waiting and then wasting your time.
Post # 15
He has basically flat-out said that he doesn’t care about you and your timelines or feelings on the subject, even for the consideration of a simple conversation. I mean there’s a quote up there that almost says as much. IMO that’s it. Why be around someone who doesn’t give a crap about your feelings? Move on and find someone who cares about you as much as he cares about himself.