I VOTED – OVER 7 YEARS
Mr TTR & I are both Encores, who had long term relationships behind us (both of them in the 25 year range)
I was very apprehensive about Dating when we met (he pursued me). Marriage was something we had a chat about in the early days as in “Would you ever consider doing it again”
Lol, he said “She’d have to be a really special girl to ever make that happen again”
I was ok with that… as we were both quite wounded, and therefore naturally gun shy
I think tho part of us knew very very early on that our relationship (and the other person)were extremely special, unlike any others we had ever met.
Just before we got to our 6th Anniversary, I knew I was ready to give Marriage another shot.
So I told him, that I’d like to be married by the end of 2012 (just over a year away).
He said he was onboard with that and would propose in his own way / time… like most Guys want to do.
I waited over 4 months for that Proposal… and he did as he promised, did it in his own way.
What surprised me was he was so organized about the vision for the Wedding when he Proposed… he had obviously done a lot of thinking, and knew exactly what he wanted (to Elope to a Destination Wedding… a place we love & means a lot to us… to say our Vows to each other alone on the Beach at sunset). It was a perfect choice.
And what we did over the Christmas Holidays 2012. No regrets. It was everything I hoped for and more.
Could it have come any sooner in our relationship and worked. Ya probably. But psychologically I just wasn’t there yet… it took me a lot longer to work thru my trust issues than him (my being divorced a shorter amount of time than he was… and my first marriage was an abusive one, his didn’t have that sort of baggage). His greatest issues revolved around having a partner who was onside in the relationship, and being honest, trustworthy & faithful.
To be honest, I think that looking back now (with 20/20 vision) I would say we both knew within the first year in some way that this was a very different relationship… and marriage material. I definitely had “pangs” of that a month or two in that I was seriously falling in love with this man… and he knew sooner.
I mean even tho I wasn’t thinking marriage when we met, I am the type of girl who after my Divorce was not into wasting my time with any more horrible men. So we began as friends, and moved onto Dating & Lovers. And altho I might have said I was out for a bit of fun… I also wasn’t being stupid… I did ask him a lot of Questions in the early days to determine if he was a guy “worth dating”. I distinctly knew what kind of men I wanted in my life and which ones I didn’t want, having been around too many losers too long
(Thank Yous to authors Greg Behrendt & Dr Phil for opening my eyes to how men think !!)
As for waiting…
To be fully honest I was 99.9% comfy with Mr TTR from the get go. We were already living together the majority of the time (altho I retained my own space ala Carrie Bradshaw from SITC as a “safety net”). Realistically we could have done that forever *… but then at some point in time I realized I wanted to be married again… I wanted us to be more than just Common Law (which in Canada is virtually the same as married anyhow). BUT I wanted that legal commitment, those Vows to one another before God, the recognition that goes with being married vs anything else.
* When I first was divorced, I honestly thought I’d be THAT WOMAN who never remarries, the woman who has her own place & space, and a guy that she is has a longterm ongoing relationship with… (10, 20 years long) but never marries
I don’t truly know what all changed… it was something inside me for sure. I suddenly realized I was very safe and there was nothing to worry about / fear any longer about marriage.
Now if Mr TTR hadn’t said YES to getting married, or wanted to do it different from my Timeline… as a Gal her KNOWS HER OWN MIND… I realize that the choice would have been mine… to Stay or Go.
Not 100% sure what I would have done. BUT I DO KNOW that I would have had to own it. If you don’t go, that means outright that Marriage would have been off the table, and I’d have no reason to complain etc.
Thankfully, I’d done my research (again thank you men who write books about how men think) and was pretty aware of the fact that I had “sewed the seeds” of respect all along in our relationship, and chances were quite high that he’d be able to step up to meet / exceed the bar I had set for our relationship.
And he did.
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Having married young the first time… and used the “falling into love method” vs a more life plan approach I can honestly see why a Life Plan one works soooo much better to being able to find a better quality of mate (and therefore a better relationship in the long run)
I spend a great deal of time now here on WBee on the Emotional Boards telling women who don’t have the relationship they want with the Man they love, that sadly it may be a case where LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH.
There is tons more to a successful Relationhip & Marriage than JUST romantic love.
When you know yourself, and are the best person you can be (at the time) and meet the right person they will ACCEPT YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE, but also INSPIRE YOU to be an EVEN BETTER PERSON
(They LIFT YOU UP… not put you down)
That is TRUE LOVE
And that is truly what EVERY WOMAN DESERVES