Post # 1
I’m not sure how I started thinking about this, but I started looking into prenatal testing just out of curiosity. It seems that testing for major genetic disorders (Down’s, Trisomy 13 & 18) takes place between 11 and 14 weeks, but if the tests determine the fetus is at high risk for these problems, you need an amnio to determine for sure, and that usually takes place during the 18th week.
I am not at all inviting a debate over genetic testing, abortion, or any of that. These are VERY personal choices motivated by culture, religion, and other deep-seated beliefs. However, I know Fiance and I we would consider ending a pregnancy if there were very serious medical problems. In that case (which I hope we never have to deal with!), we certainly wouldn’t want to explain our very personal, painful and controversial choice to all our friends and family. Therefore, I’m pretty sure we won’t let anyone in on the pregnancy until we are well into the second trimester and have a pretty good idea that the baby is healthy and viable.
So when did you, or are you planning on, telling people? I know a lot of people spread the word as soon as they find out, while others wait to hear the heartbeat. Has anyone waited until they had prenatal testing?
Post # 3
I think when we get pregnant eventually, we will wait to have the testing done before we tell people. There are many hardcore anti-abortion people in both of our families, and I’d rather not deal with judgment at such a sensitive time.
Post # 4
I’d wait until the first trimester is up and testing complete.
Post # 5
My sister was so excited about being pregnant this past summer that she told everyone at two months. She ended up losing the baby and it was awful. You could just see the pain in her face everytime someone asked about her pregnancy. Luckily, she was able to get pregnant again in August and she waited a little over 3 months, and after she heard the heartbeat, before she told anyone.
Post # 6
Most people I know wait 12 weeks, until they’ve completed most of the tests, have had an ultrasound, and have passed the main danger point for miscarriage. It seems very normal here (in Australia) and in fact if you find out earlier than that it came seem a bit strange. But I know it’s not the case everywhere – a Brazilian friend of mine had never heard of waiting at all!
Post # 7
I think some couples who terminate pregnancies due to genetic problems tell people that they had a miscarriage. I honestly think that by the 18th week your close friends and family will be aware of your pregnancy, and some explanation might be needed.
Post # 8
A friend of mine told everyone (Facebook announcement) the same day she got the news herself from the doctor. I understand she’s excited, but personally, I would probably wait because it would be too heartbreaking to have to tell everyone if something were to happen. I would also wait for testing as well most likely. My mom would probably know soon after my husband, but I would wait for the rest.
Post # 9
professorbee: I agree, it would be hard to wait until you were 4 1/2 months along to tell people, and a lot of women would be showing! But there are a lot of anti-abortion people in my family, including my mom, and if we found out at around the 12-week mark that we were at risk for a genetic problem and would need an amnio, we would probably try to wait to tell people. I’m not sure I’d be very convincing when telling my mom I had a miscarriage, as she would ask lots of questions.
Post # 10
My preference would have been to wait until the 12 week mark. That is usually what most people do because you are not quite showing yet but your odds of a miscarriage drop tremendously. Unfortunately, we weren’t able to wait as long because we had a scare around the 7 week mark so it was difficult to leave work early without having a good explanation for my boss. At that point, the only people who knew were my boss and my family.
I agree with professorbee. Since everyone’s body is different you may show very early on, like myself so holding off until 4 + months will be difficult to hide unless of course you hibernate for the next 4 months. I can tell you though that the tests they have out now you will be able to find out your odds for birth defects fairly early on.
My POV is this though, you shouldn’t worry about what others say and let them dictate your life. What happens is between you and your husband / SO. If some reason what you had described comes to life you two will be able to know how to handle it. Noone needs to know your business.
Post # 11
I will wait until I’m past my first trimester. I don’t want ANYONE knowing until then (except Darling Husband of course). But, I would probably tell people I had a miscarriage if i started showing early or whatever. I’ve been told you can hide it until about 5 months. But with the way I dress and the fact I often have a beer or wine at dinner, people WILL start to know something’s up.
And yes, I would terminate a pregnancy in situations of medical problems. Not fueling any fires, but I wanted to let you know you are not alone, Daniellemybelle. I think a lot of people don’t admit this, though. And I would have no problem telling my family that because my parents are incredibly pro-choice and would feel like it was the right decision (even my mom who used to work with mentally challenged kids) and they would be incredibly supportive. I just know them. I think DH’s mom would be, too, but I wouldn’t really want that spreading out across his family. I don’t know how all of them think and he does have a handicapped cousin, as do I.
That sort of decision is between you and your husband. YOU two have to raise that child. Not anyone else. They can judge all they want, but they do NOT have to live with that decision. And they should walk a mile in your shoes. It’s not an easy decision. My little cousin is the sweetest girl ever, but I know the pain she causes her mom and the difficult life she has ahead of her. I have known people who’ve had them (and I lack that ‘moral compass’ that would prevent me from having one under certain circumstances) and this probably sways my opinion. I know that makes me sound bad and selfish, though.
Post # 12
I am with ejs on every aspect of her post. IF hubs and I do have children (we’re still up in the air about it) it won’t be at least until I’m 30, and while birth defects don’t run in the family, I wouldn’t want anyone to know until I was sure because if there were I would terminate. My second cousin drowned in a pool at age 3 and the neighbor saved his life – now he is 13 and a complete vegetable with no quality of life. He’s a prisoner in his own body and I feel so bad for him. My cousin feels horrible but wishes that the neighbor wouldn’t have saved him, because he is constantly in and out of the hospital and isn’t expected to live very much longer. While this was not a birth defect, some are similar and I wouldn’t want to bring a child into the world to have to deal with something like that. I too am a drinker so it might be hard to hide but I have no problem making excuses to my friends until I knew for sure.
Post # 13
And again, I too agree with ejs! Well said, missy! 🙂
Post # 14
Hmmm. I told my mom at like 6 weeks – cause she’s my best friend 🙂 (Besides hubby) Told my boss and best girl friend shortly after that. I was so sick I had to tell my boss cause it was effecting work for sure. Told my bro at about 8 weeks cause we were visiting him for Christmas. (Saw the doc and heard heartbeat at 9 wks) And we let the cat out of the bag to everyone at about 12 weeks.
I thought I’d be able to wait until I was like 4 mos to tell anyone – but so not the case 🙂 And the closer you get to 12 weeks the harder it is to keep the seceret!
I have managed to keep it off facebook! And I’m starting week 17 now! We’ll see how long I can keep that up!
I opted to not get the genetic testing for various reasons.
Post # 15
Hmm… at first when I read your post I thought… well I would definitely tell my parents immediately and then wait until past the first trimester for the rest (not sure if I’d terminate regardless… but I’d be worried about miscarriage).
But then I was thinking that it might be REALLY hard to not tell my best friends what was going on! In my family we all pretty much put it out there immediately when someone is pregnant. We’ve had some miscarriages, some scares, and one cousin who did choose to terminate (for personal not medical) reasons. I think the thing about my family is that as soon as something happens everyone knows, so if I was pregnant and lost it no one would ask me how it was going or anything.
Post # 16
I’ll probably only tell Darling Husband until we get closer to the 12 week mark. As much as I would love to tell my family and DH’s family, I wouldn’t be able to trust them to keep it a secret. Granted, I can’t be mad that they would be that excited, but I am an extremely private person and if something were to happen (lose the baby) I wouldn’t be able to deal with all the sympathy/pitty/questions. I just couldn’t do it.