Post # 1
Sorry for the repetitive nature for this post, but geez, do I need to vent.
My SO and I have dated for 4.5 years. We met in college and moved in together after we graduated. We’ve lived together for over 2 years now. We’re both 26, have great jobs and are very, very happy together. There’s not a doubt in my mind that he’s the one for me, at least, there wasn’t. I’m starting to have doubts.
I don’t understand what the hold up is. I’ve expressed how I feel multiple times. He says that he’s not ready, that he feels like we’re too young. I understood that argument three years ago, but now I wonder if he’ll ever be ready. I want to be understanding, but I’m starting to resent him for making me wait this long. I want to be with a man who wants to get married to me and I don’t think that’s an unreasonable request.
Unfortunately, it seems like the only card I have to play is leaving. I don’t want to leave him; I love him. Ultimatums feel equally manipulative and inneffective. What do I do?
Post # 3
@cpiccione: I also have been with my so for 4.5 years. I want to be engaged to get married and he thinks it’s rushing! When he said that I almost lost it! I was having doubts but I had a mini melt down about a week ago and kinda lost it, I told him how I felt and he explained to give him time. I was having doubts like am I not good enough? Why would he think its rushing..If he KNOWS he wants to marry me and tells me all the time then why not do it already.
My best advice is just talk to him. Don’t give an ultimatum if you don’t feel like you will leave at the end of it. I wont give one because I know I will not be able to leave him. Tell him you want a time line it doesn’t have to be an exact time line ( mine told me a year or two) and it’s only fair that he gives you one. Try to talk on a day when your both relaxed and not having a crappy day like I did and it turned into a fight which is what I didn’t want!
I’m hear if you need to talk because trust me I’m just as stressed about it as you seem to be!
Post # 4
8 years. He wants to know what’s the rush. I could murder him. Seriously. I mean, we started dating in high school so for 6 of those years we were in school but… 2 years since college graduation. Guh. Seriously infuriating. I feeeeeel your pain (BOTH of you!), and obviously have no helpful advice. Let me know if you figure something out that will work for me 😉 And yeah yeah, Mr. Bee’s plan, whatever. Not really helping the situation. sigh.
Post # 5
I would wait about 3 years after college graduation. I feel like college doesn’t really count (and FI and I dated all throughout college, meeting each other the second day of freshman year!). But I know what you mean, once you live together, you feel like “let’s get this show on the road!”
Post # 6
@cpiccione: Oh geeze, I’m not giving an ultumatum as leaving, its what I’m doing for myself. Since he can’t seem to make up his mind on if he wants to be with me in the timeframe I’ve already stated and he didnt argue with it. I will go to grad school where I want, travel where I want and not be dragged on this emotional rollar coaster any longer.
I will get off. Not because I don’t love him, but because he has taught me to love myself and do things for me. Its not a manipulation and I will not take him back for quite awhile if he realizes that he wants marriage after its over. Its not being manipulative, its just making him make a choice, piss or get off the pot.
@TeamAwesome: Oh shesh, you ladies make me feel kinda bad, its only been 2.5 years but I’m not waiting.
Post # 7
I was with my FI for 4.5 years (almost to the day! ha) before he finally proposed.
I think what helped in our case was me giving him reasons why I wanted to be married. I think on some level, he thought I was just wanting an excuse to have a wedding and a white dress…once I explained to him why marriage was important to me and also how it made me feel to not be getting married (I felt like he was waiting for something better to come along), I think he finally understood.
Granted, it still took another 5 months for him to propose after that conversation but I think that’s what got the ball rolling.
Post # 8
Oh girl. It could be that he truly does not feel old enough. Unfortunately you do which makes it hard for you, but if he still feels 22 you probably don’t want to marry him now anyway. Waiting for him to mature to the level he needs to be in order to make that decision would probably be a good idea for you. If you push him he will resent you. Rest assured he is doing you and himself a favor in wanting to be secure in this decision.
My other piece of advice is that you simply ask him if he wants get married someday. Emphasis on someday. If you want to get married at some point it is your right to know if you have an SO that is not the marrying kind. As horrible as that would be, if he really doesn’t want to get married you have to decide if you can be with him, unmarried, happy and with no regrets. If you cannot, then your ultimatum is your happiness’ only option.
One more thing. I have been married and divorced and it has taken me almost 4 years to be ok with the idea of marrying again. I now have a couple really good friends who also question whether getting married is really worth it. If he has been close to someone who went through a terrible divorce that can create a lot of fears. I mean A LOT. He is a man so he probably won’t want to talk about it but if this is the case it is definitely something you want to be cautious of. The idea of divorce will keep a lot of people from wanting to marry.
Post # 9
I waited for almost 5 years. Took some very serious stuff happening for him to grow up and realize it was time, but I had already started dropping hints that I was unhappy waiting past 5 years.
Post # 10
I”ve been with my SO for 5 years. I am 31 and he is 32. I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. So I’d wait forever. I don’t feel like I *have* to be married in order to enjoy my life and time with him.
But I realize not everyone feels the same way. Marriage definitely has its plusses. It can be a security blanket, so to speak. And there are certain legalities that are just easier when you are married. So I understand wanting to get married.
I am just so in love with my BF that I can’t live without him. Screw the ring and the paperwork! lol But I think we will probably get married in a couple of years for sure. We’re both open to it; I’m just not interested in doing so at this particular time in my life. 🙂
Post # 11
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
Have you asked him WHY he doesn’t feel he’s ready? And when he wont feel “too young”? Personally, I’m the kind of person that if I leave, I’m not coming back– and ultimatums will only push me farther away, so I don’t recommend either of those routes, instead have a discussion about his motives, his future plans as an individual and as a couple. Explain to him that you’re feeling this way, and why you think getting married is important, and why you are ready for the next step, and then listen with an open mind about how he feels on those points.
Post # 12
@TeamAwesome: Seriously. I hate that sentance.. I don’t want to rush..are YOU KIDDING ME! LOL
Post # 13
I’m going on 7 years I’m waiting. I try to be a good waiting Bee but it ain’t easy. It’s ok to repeat rants. We know the SO will olny listen so far but to the waiting bees we know how it feels to try and get stuff out and the one you want to listen won’t really listen.
So go on! We’ll listen.
Post # 14
Why is everyone talking only about the period of relationship/waiting? I think 3 years is not the same when you’re 25 and 35, isn’t it? I am in a relationship for 1.7 years and I want him to propose, but I’m 30 and he’s 40. If we were 5 years younger, I wouldn’t feel the same about the proposal. This way, I don’t want to be 35 to have my first kid, which would make him a 45-year old dad. Plus, when you reach certain age, you know yourself better, you’ve been through things and you know better what you want. And I don’t understand how talking and setting a timeline (“I’ll propose in the next 2-3 years”) works for you guys? I mean, he can say whatever he wants right now, which still doesn’t guarantee that after those 2-3 years, he won’t say i’m sorry, but I’m still not ready. And then what? You’re 2-3 years older, your child-birth abillity is 2-3 years shorter (unfortunately, it does have an expiration date) and he’s not ready. Should you let all those years down the drain and start again? Should you go on, hoping some day he’ll be ready, and aggravating over it all the time? Or should you just be wise while you’re still young and desirable and find someone who will be able to be honest and commited?
Post # 15
Honestly I’m over 30 and I don’t really feel old enough to be married, or own a house or have a kid. People just reach that point at different times. I guess if I were you I’d think about why you want to be married, what it means to you, how things will be different, and make sure he feels the same way. Maybe he feels that if you’re married you won’t be going out and having fun, traveling, can’t have separate friends, that it will be more obligation.
Post # 16
@Batsygirl: my waiting twin!!!!! I’m in the 7 year boat right there with you. Lucky number 7 as I have started saying!!