(Closed) how low can a mooch go?

posted 4 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 1
Member
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

So my brother is a single father of two kids. When he was deployed his wife constantly cheated and abandoned their kids having them placed in foster care twice. She was a horror giving the little kids (2&5) alcohol,  they had bed sores and were left alone for days given only a can of corn to eat.

When he got back he kicked her to the curb and got the kids out of foster care and has been raising them for two years.

He just got a raise and was really excited being a single dad. Well in january his ex wifes sister asked to stay the weekend at his house because she was living with her mom and they weren’t getting along. She is four months pregnant and brought her ten year old daughter and her boyfriend and they haven’t left. Its been four months and neither of them have found a job. They moved three kids into one room, my brother sleeps on the couch and the girl and her boyfriend share a room. We went there last weekend and the girl and her boyfriend stayed locked in their bedroom, even locking their own child out the entire time leaving my brother to babysit. He says the girl cleans but the place smells of dog urine, the bathrooms are like small gas station bathrooms covered in clothes and everything has a thick layer of dust.

They don’t contribute whatsoever and he is struggling to get by taking care of his two kids, the two adults and their kid. 

My brother is such a good guy and nothing is convincing him to kick them out but you can tell he doesn’t want them there. The landlord threatened to evict them if he didn’t kick them out and my brother was willing to accept it saying “I will not put a pregnant woman or child on the streets” so he agreed to pay his landlord extra each month to allow them to stay there.

I hate seeing people take advantage of him like this and he and his kids suffer. I tried telling him bluntly they are moochers and need to go but he is convinced it is his responsibIlity to take care of them since she is pregnant and has a child 

Now he brings his two kids and the ten year old over when he visits and I feel for the girl but I’m nearly eight months pregnant with a kid of my own and this new girl seems to try and get in between myself and my child from the get go as if she could take my child’s place or something. I hug my kid and say “I love you” and the girl chimes in “you don’t love me too?” Things like that and I have only seen the child three times before, only meeting her in March. 

I don’t know what to do. I know its not my business but seeing my brother and his kids used like this really angers me. I wanted to confront the woman but knowing her sister and going by the way she carries herself you can tell she’s one to turn it into a physical fight and while I’m not afraid of her I’m pregnant and wouldn’t take that risk.

I’m here to vent and ask for any words of wisdom or advice. Its breaking my heart to see my brother in this situation but I don’t know how to help him.

Maybe this is a “you can’t help someone if they won’t help themselves” situation but there has to be something I can do to help him?

And how can this woman and her boyfriend be perfectly content mooching off a single father and taking from his kids? They sat in the bedroom for four hours when we were there, door closed laughing and having a blast while my brother watched their kid. They don’t babysit his kids and their kid is now going to his babysitter (guess who pays?) While they sit and do nothing all day every day. What kind of a person can live with themselves being like this? Ugh it gets me angry!

Post # 2
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

You should be just as pissed at your brother.  I mean the landlord is going to evict him and his kids over all of this and yet he has done nothing to change it? WTH.  His kids need special attention and stability not this crap.  You seriously need to talk to him.  If he gets evicted does he have a place to go with the kids?  Will the ex-wife call children’s protective services on him for his living conditions, and when he gets evicted? 

Post # 3
Member
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

He won’t get evicted since he agreed to pay the landlord extra to let them stay there but before the agreemeny I asked him what he was going to do and he said he would put them all up in a motel if need be. The mom of the kids has nothing to do with them unless she is asking my brother for more money.

He thinks he is being self sacrificing to help this helpless pregnant woman and her child but no matter what he doesn’t see that he is also aacrificing his childens stability as well, something they really need.

Post # 4
Member
1814 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall

Ugh it’s a shitty situation for sure and I’ve watched separate moochers take advantage of both myself and a loved one. Neither left on their own decision unfortunately, and both spanned over a year and severely harmed the relationships of the people involved.

I think, given your brother’s admirable position of wanting to help, you should have a sit down with him and brainstorm ways they can be helped but not live with him.

First come up with a way to say “I understand your predicament but you cannot live here” – maybe lie a bit and blame it on the landlord demanding it and taking no excuses/compromises, or that bro cannot pay the rent premium and is looking at the whole group being homeless, etc.

Next, brainstorm places they can go. Back to her mom’s house, crazy sister (how dangerous would she be to their kids?), his family, any friends, Craigslist super-duper cheap rooms/sublets, even homeless/womens shelters if it comes down to it. Maybe even file for government assistance/housing to at least have a roof over their heads while they job search – prossibly difficult to qualify for, but it’s what it’s for – worth a shot, at least.

In the end it is your brother’s life and he gets to call the shots about it. Some people just won’t change their minds despite all the logic in the world. You can offer to always be there to help if he needs it, but you might have to wait until he decides for himself that he can’t take it anymore.

Post # 5
Member
1089 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

It’s a crappy situation that you can’t really do much about because it’s all your brothers doing. I did want to comment that I don’t feel the other couples daughter is trying to get in between your child and you by saying things like “you don’t love me too?”…. I actually found that to be heartbreaking and feel horrible for this little girl  that she has to reach out for affection and the reassurance that she’s loved because she doesn’t get it from her own parents.

Post # 6
Member
3026 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Very sad, for all the kids and for you– watching your brother being taken advantage of. There’s nothing you can do. He’s letting it happen. 

If at any point you think the cousins are in danger, you can call social services. Otherwise, not a lot you can do. 🙁

Post # 7
Member
3240 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I feel very badly for all the kids. Something tells me your ex sil’s childhood was a bit deranged, since her sister is such a peach as well. May be your brother either feels some sense of responsibility since he wasn’t there when he was deployed to fix everyone… Or he is the sort of guy who signed up for the military because he genuinely wants to help people, and this is an extension of him being such an incredibly caring soul and wanting to save the world, himself.

at this point, the only one of them he is helping is the ten year old. His ex sil and the boyfriend? He is enabling them to be out of work, antisocial, lazy bums.  He needs to lay down the law on the boyfriend at least to get a job or get out. Pregnant lady and the kids can learn how to do chores.

 

Post # 8
Member
7339 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

You can’t help him if he won’t help himself. 

Post # 9
Member
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Mrslovebug:  This is a situation where you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.  The person you need to be upset with is your brother.  He’s making bad choices For himself and his kids. 

I doubt anything you say or do will make a difference but if I were you, I’d see if you couldn’t get the rest of your family – your parents, other siblings – to stage some sort of intervention. Your brother isn’t just allowing these people to take advantage of him, he is allowing them to bring chaos, disruption, filth and instability into his children’s lives when they have already experienced plenty of that already.  The money he is spending supporting able bodied adults is money he could be saving for his children’s future.  Bottom line – he is not only taking from his children in order to support adults, he is forcing them live in a terrible environment they are helpless to change. 

You also should ask him to consider what it is he is getting out of this because there must be something.  Does he enjoy feeling like the hero? Is he lonely and they provide company? Is he simply non-confrontational and can’t bear to tell them to go?  There is a reason he chose such a terrible candidate for his children’s mother and that he is choosing to allow himself to be used by her sister. There is a pttern.

He won’t get out of this easily. These people are going to work every angle to keep their sweet deal. They will guilt him using the girl and the baby.  Even if he asks them to go they might assert tenants rights (which they can) meaning he will have to legally evict them which can take months.  If they get vindictive who knows what they might do to his home, the kids, him? 

I would recommend to him that he tell them he and his kids are moving in 60 days and that they will need to make other arrangements- that he has done everything he can for as long as he can.  Again, these are able bodied ADULTS who are CHOOSING not to work. They can get jobs and they can also apply for state assistance.  Make no mistake that they will continue to beg his help as long as they can get him to give it. he needs to cut them off- let them know in no uncertain terms the well has run dry. 

If you really feel the environment is unhealthy for his kids, you can always threaten to call CPS and make him choose between his kids and the moochers.   I strongly suspect his house guests have a substance abuse problem and I believe that is sufficient grounds for a call.

Lastly, please try to be kind to the 10 year old girl.  She is obviously starved for love and attention and has some really shitty parents.  I think it’s safe to say she doesn’t get a great deal of good guidance.  A call to COS on her behalf might be in order as well.

Good luck.

Post # 10
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

On the airplane, you put your own oxygen mask on first before you help the person next to you. That’s not selfish, its reality. If your brother wants to help this family, he needs to get his own life under control first. Right now, he’s prioritizing the other family before his own kids, and everybody suffers. This is a grown-up couple that survived before his help, and certainly will survive after he kicks him out. I agree with a PP to enlist the help of your friends and family To help him see the light. He can still give them some of his time and money after they move out. 

Post # 11
Member
46606 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Mrslovebug:  He can only be taken advantage of to the extent that he lets them.

There will always be freeloaders in this world, and a couple of them have found him.

They will be there until he kicks them out. After the pregnancy, there will be a newborn, then some sort of trgedy, then likely another child. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

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