Post # 46
This is madness. 3 drinks is nothing and your mother is being ridiculous.
‘I was willing to give him a chance’ is all you need to know here. She doesn’t like him, never has and never will. This whole drinks thing is an attempt to come up with a reason for that. You should dismiss it because I doubt even she believes what she is saying unless she is actually crazy, and prehaps start trying to find out the real reason – because I promise you it isn’t this. Or just ignore her which would be my stance!
Post # 47
It sounds like your mom cares more about her image than concerns for you and him. Sounds like she just doesn’t want anyone “embarrassing” her so she’s making excuses and a fuss.
Post # 48
Just because your mother said it, doesn’t make it so.
I’ve had to repeat versions of this line to myself for a very long time now. We grow up taught to listen to our parents, obey them etc. You’re an adult now, about to be married. You have your own thoughts, values, feelings – and if they don’t align with your mom’s – that’s perfectky ok. She does not have the final say in your life anymore. She thinks your fiancé was drunk, you know he wasn’t. There is no need to discuss this any further with her. Period.
Post # 49
asummerbridet7 : right??
Most formal dinner events include about 5 drinks: pre-dinner cocktail, 1-2 glasses of wine during dinner, a post-dinner port or Scotch, and a nightcap. Having worked as an event server in the past I can tell you that is 100% the standard across the board, whether it’s a military dinner, a fundraiser, an appreciation dinner, etc.
Weddings are no different. A drink before dinner, 1-2 glasses of wine during dinner, and 2 or 3 after dinner is the norm, even among groups who rarely drink. Most weddings people drink a heck of a lot more than that!
Post # 50
Sansa85 : What makes it worse is that if I was to even try to explain to her what I had observed and/or was told, she would accuse me of not taking her side and that I would one day feel sorry for rejecting her advice. The friends that she hangs out with are also toxic and petty in nature, and they all would try to outdo one another by attempting to build up a good image of themselves (hence why she is absolutely devastated by the image that my fiance must have created for her). These days, I’m just made to feel like I’m the loser of the family by being engaged to someone who can never seem to do anything right for my parents.
I used to go to my mom for advice on various milestones and important decisions that I’ve encountered. Sometimes I’d take her advice, while others I would go with my gut instinct. My engagement was my decision alone, but my mom has been consulting many resources to try to cause me to doubt that this relationship will ever work out (with star charts and fortune tellers being among them, as crazy as it may sound), and what happened at the wedding has just left me feeling resentful of EVERYONE with the “he said, she said” nature of the situation.
Post # 51
theteacherbee : ugh I’m sorry 😞
I limit my conversations with my mother if I talk with her at all because she has a way of taking everything I ever thought to be true and flipping it on its head, making me unsure of which way is up
I used to call her out on the lies and inconsistencies but she would just create more lies to cover for the ones that I called her out on. It was confusing. Eventually i just stopped.
I’ve talked to professionals, watched her, and read everything I could get my hands on about her actions for over a decade. And she can STILL make me question what I know to be true with just one conversation. I’ve come too far with her to get back under her thumb, so I don’t put myself in that situation
I think knowing what she does is a good step towards removing her from your thought process. I found my peace and acceptance in reading everything I could get my hands on about my mother’s actions.
You might find peace in doing some outside reading, or talking with professionals about her behavior, or you might not. It could just be that you need to develop a filter and a thicker skin for her dramatics. I was able to develop that thick skin and the filter by being removed from her actions and watching from a distance
It’s painful and confusing when you are right smack in the middle of it. You can gain some clarity if you can distance yourself a little
Post # 52
my mother in law is like this and it pisses EVERYONE off. she literally counts how many drinks you’ve had. “that’s your second drink”….annoys the hell out of everyone. he is not an alcoholic. your mom is a judgemental asshole and you shouldnt listen to her at all.
Post # 53
theteacherbee : 3 drinks is what I have at a damn 2 hour brunch!
At this point, I’m sure you know your mother is fabricating details to this story and she’s not even justified in doing so. You should not give a shit what your mom’s friends think, and frankly, neither should she. But just because she gives her friends thoughts weight to her behavior, doesn’t mean you have to as well. You need to simply stop giving her details about your relationship, and in the event she is around to witness any drinking in the future, you don’t have to “take her side” and as a matter of fact, you shouldn’t. You need to set boundaries with her, and fast. Good luck.
Post # 54
Sansa85 : Yeah, since all of this has happened, I’ve been keeping some distance from her and limiting conversation to only what is necessary. She has since backed down from her rage fest and has been sad for the most part (and complaining about how she wishes I can find someone decent to date), but I’m so emotionally drained at this point that I can’t take anymore conversations with her. It’s also very isolating too, since my dad generally does what she says, and my sister is suddenly super supportive now that she has had the wedding of her dreams with a guy that my mom approves of.
My mom also seems to have anxiety (something she projects onto me by telling people I have social anxiety all the time) and doesn’t deal well with high pressured situations like weddings, which I’m sure has only added to this. But she also has multiple fears about men and marriages after hearing horror stories about the divorces her friends’ daughters went through – him marrying me for money, him becoming abusive over time, him cheating on me, him becoming addicted to alcohol, drugs, and gambling, him quitting his job so that I can support him financially, etc. – and she seems to think my fiance is out to do all of the above, even though he has a degree and has a steady job that pays him well. But nothing seems to help improve her opinion of him. Overall, it’s just been miserable lately.
Post # 55
Lol, my mom (and dad too) thought because my husband got drunk (buzzed, needed some air)and he walked outside at my 21st bday party a few years ago that he was an abusive alcholic. I followed him and we had a giddy, cute convo between the two of us (both are chatty when we’ve had a few drinks). He got theatrical about whatever we were talking about (neither one of us was legitmately drunk) and they assumed he was yelling at me *eyeroll* ever since they’ve ALWAYS watched him when we would go to an event, wedding, party, etc and there were drinks. So judgy and I hate it.
Your mom reminds me of them, way too judgement and she needs to back off.
I definitely would be seen as a raging alcoholic in your mothers eyes, as another bee posted. LOLZ. My husband and I were both feeling PRETTTYYYY great when we arrived to our reception (about a 2 1/2 hour window) and laugh because we talk how we remember eating dinner but at the same time we don’t…. My SIL (also a bridesmaid) was passed out over a trash can and in the bathroom the moment we arrived to our reception, she managed to eat dinner and even missed all of the first main dances. Hahahaha I laugh because we had a great time but your mom, OP, she would’ve been PISSED. I feel bad for you.
Post # 56
kmbumbee190618 : Heehee. Your parents do sound a bit like my mom. Early on in our relationships for both my sister and I, we’d have family dinners where we’d invite my fiance and my sister’s now-husband to join us, and my mom would ALWAYS complain about how my fiance would have 1-2 drinks before dinner (he says it helps him build up an appetite), while my sister’s husband would have at least 2 beers. However, ever since she’s found out that my sister’s husband is quite wealthy, my mom has seemed to make an exception for him, going as far as to make sure our fridge is stocked with 2-3 cans of beer whenever he’s stopping by.
My fiance and I still take my parents out to dinner from time to time, and my mom would watch him like a hawk, being totally taken aback when he orders his 1-2 pre-dinner cocktails, followed by an expresso after dinner (which she always says that he needs because….you guessed it….he’s drunk). So annoying.
Post # 57
I used to have 6-7 glasses at wine at weddings, so 3 drinks is nothing!
Post # 58
theteacherbee : I feel for ya, I do. I’m sorry your mom is the way she is. I’ve always felt judged when I drank around my parents (before AND after 21) even when I was a capable adult and had every right to get drunk, buzzed, completley lit, whatever I wanted.
In my personal experience, your mom probably won’t change. Its nice you stood up to your fiance but this is one of those situation I feel its better to pick your battles (especially if you have a seemingly good relationship overall with your mom). Perhaps just tell Fiance your moms concerns in private, talk to him before you guys go out and alcohol is involved and just tell him your parents are definitely judging.
Post # 59
theteacherbee : I recommend reading Toxic Parents.
Post # 60
I am not much of a drinker anymore but I had more than that at my friends wedding and I was barely buzzed. We didn’t drive and it was all fine.
I’d see if there’s a way to get her to chill out before your own wedding. Are her toxic friends coming to that?