(Closed) How many of you Bees hide money from your SO?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do you "hide money" from your SO?
    Absolutely not, we share everything! : (25 votes)
    28 %
    Yes, but not anything too crazy, just for my personal treats here and there. : (14 votes)
    16 %
    Yes. Any money that is aside from our mutual contribution is my own business. : (3 votes)
    3 %
    Nah, SO doesn't mind what I do with my own money so there is no need to sneak around. : (43 votes)
    48 %
    Other. Explain. : (5 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    826 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2010

    I’m not sure why you feel the need to keep this from him. I’m not saying you need to hand over the money, but it seems sort of shady to not even mention it.

    Post # 4
    Member
    2249 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2018

    oohh that is tough! I only hide money for surprises for him. I call him when i want to buy a latte and he does the same. for my birthday I know he has been getting cash back from groceries (or he bought the worlds most expensive milk last weekend) and thats the extent of money hiding!

    Post # 5
    Hostess
    18637 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    My husband and I are honest about our money.  We are each allowed to spend some fun money every month but we have to clear large purchases with each other.  We have all joint accounts, I don’t want to have seperate ones.

    I think that when people move in together, they should have a serious discussion about what money they have and what they owe.  Finances are so important in a relationship.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1986 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2012
    Post # 7
    Member
    1403 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    The money is not shared until we’re married.  Right now I’m single so if I don’t tell him everything about how I spend my money, I don’t consider it hiding anything from him.  I’m trying to get him accustomed to how my finances work though, so there will be few surprises when we move in together.  Sounds like you’re being conscientious about your finances, which is the right way to go about it!

    Post # 8
    Member
    7975 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    WHY do you want to avoid telling him?

    If it were us, I would tell J, including explaining where I’ve earmarked the money to go – rent, bills, etc. like you said. That would be the end of it. We’re combining finances 100% when we get married, but you’re right, until then, your money is your money.

    BUT if this were my ex we were talking about, instead of J, I would NOT tell him about it. Because my ex was a financial abuser. If I got money and he found out about it (I had to hide my paycheck stubs so he wouldn’t know when I was getting paid and he tried to hack into my bank account online once), he would immediately begin asking me for money. If we went out and he knew I’d gotten money recently, I had to pay (I’m all for equality, but that’s not what this was), I had to put gas in his car or he wouldnt pick me up (“Well, you can take the bus then” was a common refrain, and again, I’m not anti public transit… for the right reasons!), etc.

    If you’re afraid of your SO manipulating your cash, I’d be worried for more reasons than just fronting the cash for a bedroom set. Otherwise, it all depends on your reasons, IMO.

    Post # 9
    Member
    1221 posts
    Bumble bee

    I do keep about 20-40 bucks each check for myself to have.. we do share incomes because we have been living together for 3 1/2 years already but i get paid once a month and my money goes towards larger bills like rent, car, insurance. after that i only have a few hundred so i will put gas or use the extra money for a manicure or mascara whatever i need. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    3219 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2010

    We dont share money and prob never will. I would tell my SO because I would be so excited to get extra $! but I dont think your wrong from keeping it from him!

    Post # 11
    Member
    14183 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I’d tell him, “hey i got some money back!” and offer to take him to dinner. I had the same thing happen to me–my company reimbursed me for my senior year of college. I got two fatty checks in June 2008 and June 2009. My job, my perk. My dinero. I did put some of it towards the wedding, but uh, he didn’t get to lay claim to it.

    It sounds to me like you’re more afraid he’ll try to lay claim to it? or claim you’re not being fair?

    What if you offer to get something small for the house and then put the rest of it away? I dunno, I’d feel weird asking my husband (or back then, FI) for money if he got a bonus. I’d probably joke “hey take me to dinner!” though

    Post # 13
    Member
    3041 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    I chose “OTHER” & I will explain :).

    I don’t hide any money from Fiance. I don’t show him my every paycheck & right now he has no job. If I got a refund I’d tell him out of excitement! I’d say “YAY school refund!” If he wanted to know how much I made, which he knows approximately how much I do anyways, than I’d tell him but we need to know for budgeting bills & wedding things & such.

    We decided that when he has a job, that we will both get something like an “allowance” each month. So we both get a percentage of our money on something the other has no say over. So we both get like $50/mo to do whatever we want with. Since only I have a job right now, we don’t buy anything we don’t need.

    You could possibly say that you got a refund & are excited because it’ll help with other school bills or something like that?

    Post # 14
    Member
    948 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2010

    We had separate everything until we got married.  We have always known eachother’s assets since we became serious though.  We split groceries in half, he usually paid when we went out to eat, and I paid a rent that was about 30% of the mortgage and utilities (because I made 1/3 of what he made at work).  Now that we are married, we picked one account as our main one for direct deposits and bills.  We keep my bank accounts open since my student loans and our mortgage are in that bank. 

    Honestly neither of us were 100% comfortable putting it all together until we were officially married.  Things can happen, engagements can be called off, something bad could happen to one of us, then we wouldn’t have much legal recourse.  So just to be safe, we waited to merge everything. 

    Now that we are married, we both love having everything all together.  It doesn’t matter who pays anything because it all comes from the same account.  We know eachother’s spending habits after living together for so long too, so that wasn’t an adjustment either. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    14183 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    Dude, that’s different. It’s TUITION MONEY. Leave it at that. Tell him you got some money. It’s for SCHOOL. Otherwise, you’ll basically be putting the money towards the bedroom set, then pulling out a loan. That’s silly! You need it…it’s not just like, bonus money you’re throwing around.

    Look at it this way if it helps–you’re not asking permission, you’re just letting him know. Heck, I’d have a hard time keeping it secret. I think once he realizes the money is for school (not just, say, buying clothes), he’ll just give you some kudos for making a smart financial decision. Not, “hey i want some of your money” ya know? That almost comes across as greedy in my opinion.

    Post # 16
    Member
    5153 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2010

    My future husband and I have had joint accounts since we moved in (right after we got engaged). I think that it is so important to discuss how finances will be handled right off the bat to avoid any “suprises”…whether you choose to have seperate accounts or all joint, it should be discussed. 

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