(Closed) How many of your mothers do this? Not very good at being a listening, ear?

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Hostess
8579 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I don’t think it’s NORMAL for parents to do this, but I think it happens all too often. I know exactly how you feel.

My mother talks about herself 24/7. About her job. About her husband. About everything thats “wrong” in her life. I try to support her the best I can, but she’s been complaining about her job for the past 20 years. [We work at the same place]. Is her job hard? Yes, it can be. But it’s not LABOR hard, it’s more stress. She’s the manager of a large resort, so yes, she sometimes has large problems to deal with. But it’s not near as bad as she makes it seem. .

Anyway –

She hasn’t really been supportive of me during the whole wedding process. And honestly, I think she’s a bit jealous/annoyed with me. She wanted me to have a backyard BBQ wedding, which isn’t my cup of tea. But it’s what she had, and she thinks a backyard wedding is “good enough”. Well, I wanted something bigger, more elaborate.

Basically, anytime I even mention anything about the wedding, she just brushes it off, rolls her eyes, or says “I’ve heard that before…”. For instance, with the venues. We’ve been having some issues finding a great venue within driving distance, that isn’t already booked. I found one recently that is actually available, but it is a 1 hour drive. WE LIVE IN THE MIDDLE OF FREAKING NOWHERE. There is NOTHING close by that doesn’t want half of our budget to rent. That being said, I told her last night about a potential new location, and she proceeded to say, “I’ve heard this before and then you’ll find something better”. I’ve not changed venues simply because “I found something better”.

I’ve tried to involved her in every aspect I’ve planned so far [we’re about $4700 in so it’s quite a chunk done already], and she doesn’t really show interest.

I’ve seriously given up.. the sad part? Mother-In-Law is showing more interest and she lives 2,000 miles away!

I’m sorry you are going through this and I’d be happy to listen to you ramble on about wedding stuff anytime =]

Post # 5
Hostess
8579 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

@YogaFaerie:  I think my mom is a little angry she didnt do the whole “wedding” thing either. But.. she was 16 and decided she was going to spite her parents by getting hitched and pregnant.

Not my fault.

My grandparents paid for my aunt’s wedding.. and I bet they would have paid for my mothers wedding too, if they hadn’t eloped and “surprised” them. [She was pregnant and of course, got married because it was the “right” thing to do – she was also divorced 2 years later].

My mother has been apologetic that she can’t afford to chip in for my wedding, I think this might be the major problem as to why she isn’t really interested. I think she feels bad/embarassed. But, she told me from a young age that I would be on my own for my wedding.. so me & fi are paying for our 20,000 wedding on our own. I don’t feel bad about it, and I don’t expect her to chip in, I’ve told her that. But.. I think she still feels bad about it.

She probably isn’t too happy because when we discussing the fact that she never put anything away for my wedding [which is fine], I told her that she really needs to start getting on her retirement fund. Right now, she is 47 years old and has NOTHING saved up. They don’t even have emergency money saved up. She basically told me, “I know how to run my life”. I basically told her I was NOT supporting her, because she has NEVER put money away for anything. Ever. [She’s not broke, she makes good money, but she spends it like no other.]

The relationship I have with my mother is I feel, beyond repair. I honestly hated her until I was about 20, and realized.. she was still my mother, even if I feel she could have done a better job raising me. [By “raising”, after my parents got divorced when I was 8, she told me she couldn’t support me and basically told me to figure out where I was going to live. She kept the child support while I bounced around from family to family, and eventually, moved in with my boyfriend at 14. – not something I would consider is mother of the year].

I love my mother. I just don’t really like her, and I feel she’s always made horrible choices in life. I do, have to thank her, though. Because of HER I would have never gotten my life together [savings, investments, work ethic]. Simply because I’ve avoided becoming anything LIKE her.

In the end, she’s really the only parent I have.. so what do I do?

The sad part is.. in the time I’ve known Future Mother-In-Law.. she’s told me she’s loved me more times than my own mother has in my lifetime.

Post # 6
Member
859 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

Your mom sounds annoying.  I probably would tell her upfront how she’s being ridiculous.  If she doesn’t want to be part of the wedding planning to me that’s not so bad however she can’t go around throwing a fit expecting everyone to listen to her when she listens to no one.

Post # 7
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@YogaFaerie:  

@jenilynevette:  I’m so sorry to hear about both your mums. I had my twins young and was a single mum and sometimes found myself not really listening to them as I was trying to juggle a million things at once but it doesn’t excuse it long term.i learnt to give them my undivided attention when they need it.  It’s crappy when your mum is self absorbed. I guess it can be normal, but not cool! 

I wish I could share my mum with you guys, she’s a little Scicillian lady who would feed you and hug you and asks all the right questions and listenS. Also give you lots of unwanted advise and meddles a bit but hey…

Good luck with your planning and weddings! 

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