(Closed) How many years are you willing to wait?

posted 12 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
337 posts
Helper bee

We were dating for about 2 years when my fi brought up getting engaged…didn’t propose. just talked about it. i said not ready yet. we kept talking about it. at 4 years i said i was ready to get engaged and at 4.5 years of dating he proposed. we are waiting till we have been dating 7 years before getting married. i just knew we were too young and immature and not financially secure enough before then to get engaged.

Post # 33
Member
830 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

boston – have you discussed it with your SO? i find that it’s a little unfair to expect something of your SO if he doesn’t know that it’s expected of him 🙂 i think once you have a real serious discussion about marriage, future planning, etc. then at the end of that, you can verbalize your timeline. i find it’s helpful if you tie it to some kind of milestone – e.g. childbirth, purchasing a home, moving in together, etc.

Post # 34
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I remember when i was in undergrad a grad student kinda took me under her wing. We were talking about relationships. She said her dad always told her that a man knows within the first year if he’s going to marry you or not and after that he is just wasting your time!  I don’t know how true that is, but my Fiance proposed 18 months into our relationship!

Post # 35
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Oh, he knows………………………..

Post # 36
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Jaxx317-

P.S. Congrats on the Yankee win — from a Red Sox fan Smile

Post # 37
Member
830 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

ok boston! then perhaps you both need a check-in chat? maybe some gentle reminders? 🙂

Post # 38
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Boston Girl…you need to start thinking about if you really think it’s in the cards for the two  of you. Do you really believe it will happen? Do you think you are okay with waiting a little longer? If you can say yes to both of those, give it some more time. 

If you can’t….sometimes it’s better to cut your losses and move on. It’s not always easy, but it may be best.  Good Luck.

Post # 40
Member
830 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

and boston – i was routing for the Phillies! i hate the Yankees, but thanks anyways! my SO is a red sox fan, so we’ve compromised on the Mets. i wish you could see my facebook ramble about how obnoxious the parade and the fans who were out that day were! urgh!

Post # 41
Member
3952 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

@Cheerful:  Well he’s been making some serious noise and I do believe it will happen soon.  Really do.  We’re both divorced so I understand the need to be 100 percent sure.  But he’s sure.

@VikingPrincess:  We’ve had the talk.  Twice.  First was from him when I accepted his asking me to be exclusive with him almost 2 years ago.  He told me what he wanted (marriage and a marriage for life) and then after our trip to Jamaica in march when we didn’t get engaged, i had the talk with him shortly after that in the kitchen as soon as we landed and drove back home.  He has 100 percent intent to marry.  He just needs to do the formal asking.  He’s already said he wants to marry me and spend his life with me, just not the ring yet.  Wierd.   

 

Post # 42
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee

@RecessionistaBride   I also gave the BF a “deadline” early on not even thinking!  We were friends first, and when we started dating I was almost 27 and I think he was 29.  I said “if you don’t know by 2 years, then we shouldn’t waste each others time” or something else, bc I want kids SO bad….well, he proposed ON our 2 year anniversary, and it added a TON of stress, so I wish I’d kept my big mouth shut earlier on <not thinking>

to be fair to him, my window was pretty small, as I wanted to date for at least a year before engagement but less than a year…I think I had 18 mos in my head after reading a study that that was the “most successful” for long-term marriage…but who cares, everyone is different and meets at different ages, etc!  I personally didn’t want to move in w/ him until we were at least engaged, as I owned my own house and was not willing to sell it w/o a ring, sorry if that isn’t as romantic, but I’m a very practical person on most things!

I’m still torn as to whether you should just stay w/ someone that makes you happy or if it is better to set boundaries, but for me the boundaries were good, though maybe unintentially too extreme!  My hubby is a “slow mover” as I think someone said above, so I think the nudge was good for him!

Post # 43
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I was starting to go a bit nutty waiting for it to happen, and then I realized – I would have waited until we were old and grey. He’s it for me, and it didn’t matter if it was legal or not, I can’t imagine my life without him.

Post # 44
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@bellenga & cheerful: I am so with you! I had no thoughts of marriage until he brought it up our senior year of college, when we had been together for almost four years, and then he waited three years longer to propose! I almost left him twice because I was so over it (we got engaged four months before our seven year anniversary). I didn’t tell him this — I just set a date in my head and then changed it, twice.

Finally, this summer I said to myself, “If he doesn’t propose by the end of the summer, I am not returning his calls or emails unless the subject line or voice message says ‘Will you?’.” I didn’t care about a ring, I wanted the formal engagement to show he wasn’t messing around. And I was done with long distance unless there was a higher cause.

When he did propose, it was nice but I was far from bowled over. He didn’t really plan it or anything either. Definitely the windless sail problem! Guys are ridiculous sometimes — if you wait too long, the ‘surprise’ is really ‘the big fat elephant in the room that’s ruining the relationship’!

It’s not that marriage mattered to me more than him — it’s that I didn’t want to not be married to him forever, when I knew he believed in marriage. That would just make me feel like “why am I not good enough to be your wife?”

Luckily, problem solved. And vent over. Sorry!

Post # 45
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Jaxx317 – I like you even more now that I know you aren’t a Yankees fan!!

Post # 46
Member
5280 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

LOL I always said if you don’t know that you belong with a person after 18 months, what’s the point lmbo… for some reason I am feeling uber patient right now and am open to whatever lol… Now he doesn’t know that (I’m so evil!!) But I cannot imagine leaving him because he didn’t conform to the timeline that I set for him.  With that being said, if it’s like 2013 and I’m still on the waiting board… We may have a discussion going, umm seriously a rubberband is fine nut!!  and if after then he’s still sluggish, then I may not be the woman for him.  Being in love with him has been the most gratifying experience in my life (second only to being a mommy and it is actually running a close race);however, being his wife would make the happiest woman on earth.  I don’t know if it is all about ultimatums or being in control, it is ultimately about happiness and stability and I want to be M’s wife to make me happiest.  He doesn’t know that I have removed the timeline lol and he’d probably say “well I was going to do it when I was ready anyway so you may as well have not paid attention to it anymore” lol

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