(Closed) How much can therapy truly fix?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I dont think its wise to marry a “fixer upper”. Dont marry him if you dont want him forever as he is *right now*. IMO. Its just unrealistic.

Post # 3
Member
2594 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

It’s not your responsibility to fix him. He has to fix himself.

In general, therapy is as good as what you, the patient, puts into it. And for most people, even those with relatively minor problems, those changes are uncomfortable and difficult to make because it goes against the way they’ve operated for years, including a lot of unhealthy patterns that are, for them, coping mechanisms and thereby difficult to give up. It takes time, practice, and perseverance on the part of the patient. Think of it as a little like trying to kick a smoking habit, or any addiction, it’s just that the addiction in most cases, is a particular perspective that influences how they interact with the world. These changes often take YEARS for a person to understand and implement–and it is a frustrating, messy process with setbacks and reversions and everything. So it’s a good sign that he’s willing to go to therapy (if he’s really willing and not just doing it because you were goading him into it), but I would postpone/cancel your wedding because you guys don’t sound okay right now and hinging everything on his therapy is a bad idea. 

Post # 5
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

If you feel like youre settling dont marry him. Madly in love is not nearly enough.

Post # 6
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Therapy works in my opinion. I don’t beleive it changes who you are but gives you tools to better handle situations you normally have conflict with. It’s a third party who can validate you both and show you how to work through things. That being said, there is no harm postponing the wedding until you see concrete results that things can and will change for the better. Good luck to you:)

Post # 7
Member
8011 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
veganprincess:  Put the wedding planning on hold. Everyone can be an ass at times but this sounds like more than that. Are these the behaviors you want modeled for your child? As the mother of a special needs son I can tell you I wouldn’t marry anyone who wasn’t 110% on board with positive parenting. 

As other PPs have said–the possibility for change is limited by the person’s willingness and desire to change and even then it can be difficult to sustain. Slow things down if you want to see what impact therapy may have. 

Post # 8
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I would go to therapy and keep shopping for a counselor that you feel comfortable with. Take your time with the wedding. 

Post # 9
Member
1082 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I think therapy rarely changes a person as drastically as you would need him to change. Just my opinion. 

Post # 10
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I second the poster who said “don’t marry a fixer upper.” I highly agree with this. Marriage is not a solution to relationship problems. Any issues you have before marriage will most likely continue after marriage. People will change when and only if they want to change. That you feel like you’re settling for this guy is a red flag. I agree with the previous posters who suggest postponing or cancelling your wedding. Don’t commit to this guy unless you are completely sure that you’re doing it because you truly want to do it.

Post # 11
Member
2758 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

The kind of help he needs to develop the self-awareness you and your son need would take YEARS of therapy. 

Do you want to hang out for years to see if he could change?

Post # 13
Member
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Just after already being married and divorced, I’m selfishly not wanting to waste my time.

Saving yourself from another divorce is not selfish! It sounds like he has a lot of issues, and not a lot of motivation to fix ANY of them. If I were you, I would start looking in to subsidized housing. There is probably a very long waiting list, depending on where you live. Take it step by step. If you get into a Section 8, you can decide if you want to leave at that point. What’s your career path? Any chance you can try for a higher earning job?

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