How Much Communication is Reasonable when your SO Travels Overseas?

posted 2 months ago in Long Distance Relationships
  • poll: How long would you be okay with not hearing from your SO while he is traveling overseas?
    One day : (64 votes)
    69 %
    2-3 days : (25 votes)
    27 %
    A week : (3 votes)
    3 %
    Until they returned home : (1 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 31
    Member
    2085 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    Its funny this post got brought up, I was about to make a similar post because my husband leaves for a 9-day trip tomorrow evening and my anxiety is at an all time high because of it (that’s another novel in itself). I’m actually in therapy because my anxiety shoots through the roof when I don’t hear from Darling Husband after so long, I’m dreading dealing with my mind while he is gone because I always think worst case scenario why I haven’t heard from him. Per my therapist, she recommended a communication plan that Darling Husband and I could both compromise on so I wouldn’t badger him while he was trying to enjoy his trip and so he wouldn’t feel like he needed to be attached to his phone.”

    I hear you. My first thought is always, “he’s dead.” Being a cancer survivor and having had many friends die through the years (along with natural anxiety), I tend to always go there, too. However, I disagree with the frequent therapist suggestion (including from my own therapist) to ask to “have your needs met” by everyone, especially by a partner. I don’t think they are responsible for that nor should they be. Of course as your husband, I would expect many things — love, loyalty, consideration, kindness, honesty. But meeting my anxiety needs? That’s my job and my privilege. I have the same policy for my parents. I love them, but I won’t be meeting their needs for me to contact them X number of times a day, etc. That’s good and more honest for all parties.

    Post # 32
    Member
    1969 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    vanillamist :  This sounds odd to me if you’ve been together for 2.5 years. My husband and I talk at least once a day, every day, whether or not we’re traveling. We did long distance for a year while dating and engaged, and Darling Husband called me at least once, usually twice a day, with little texts every now and then.

    No contact over three days, and your SO’s mean comment comparing staying in touch with being babysat is concerning. 

    Post # 33
    Member
    3426 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    My husband and I are in a LDR right now. We text regularly throughout the day and talk on the phone or Skype at least 5 times a week or so. I think there’s no good reason not to at least check in every so often and say hi.

    To me, what you’re describing is concerning. If you were both ok with this it would be different. But you’re not ok with it and honestly you shouldn’t be! It takes me all of 3 seconds to send my husband a heart emoji. 

    Post # 34
    Member
    6502 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    Dh travels a lot for work, with several international trips a year. We have never had any established protocol for communication, and sometimes we exchange telegrams regularly, and other times we will go a week without any. Neither of us is particularly needy in that sense, and it all works for us.

    That said, there’s nothing wrong with wanting more frequent communication, either, especially if both partners agree. But this is complete BS that your SO would agree to one thing and then make you the bad guy when he changes his mind. If he views you as a “babysitter”, he isn’t ready for a committed relationship at all, IMO. People should communicate not because they have to or are compelled to, but because they want to share. It sounds like he doesn’t want to share his trip or his life with you at all.

    Post # 35
    Member
    14965 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    We usually did once a day either a quick morning or evening call or text depending on the timezone.

    Post # 36
    Member
    306 posts
    Helper bee

    vanillamist :  As soon as I saw this: “I’m not calling, I took a solo trip to have time to myself, not be babysat.” I thought, “Throw the whole man out.”

    Post # 37
    Member
    2612 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

    vanillamist :  After reading your updates it sounds like you weren’t thrilled about your relationship. It sounds like you make him a priority but not the other way around. I know it sounds cliche but I think it’s always best to listen to your gut in times like this. 

    Sorry Bee. 

    Post # 38
    Member
    2737 posts
    Sugar bee

    Based on all your updates, I agree with you, OP. He’s just not that into you. Sorry. It’s better to figure that out now before you move.

    You have a lot going for you. I hope you find someone soon who treats you like you deserve!!

    Post # 39
    Member
    12219 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    I’m willing to bet this is not the first red flag you’ve seen with this guy. He sounds awful. I think you are doing the right thing. 

    Post # 40
    Member
    54 posts
    Worker bee

    I broke up with an Ex over this. We had been together for 4 years by that time.   I didn’t really trusted him since he had cheated on me before but we were “trying to work it out” and he had promised it would never happen again… Anyway, all I asked before he left was for him to text me at least every other day.  First 5 data, fine.  Then ever 3 days and then it was 4-5 days in a row.  He was out for a month.  Told him I was done.  Through his trip a lot of his friends posted pics on face (he wasn’t a huge social media person but had access to wufi).  He was always around a girl and I was kinda jealous.  Needless to say… one month after, they were dATing. 

    Only you know how much you can trust your Boyfriend or Best Friend.  If you guys have a healthy, trustworthy relationship, he may really need some time to disconnect (I know I do).  But I understand your concern. 

    I’m sorry you are going through this.  I know it’s difficult to deal with.  I wish you the best!

    Post # 41
    Member
    885 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey

    He’s okay with taking all his time, posting on SM, treating you poorly and leaving you with all those problems back home because he knows you will wait for him. His attitude is disgusting, whether it be visiting only ONCE in 2.5 years and let you do all the work, or comparing communication once in a while when he’s gone to babysitting. Why do you need to put up with this? 

    Post # 42
    Member
    555 posts
    Busy bee

    Making sure your SO knows you’re safe should be a priority. A simple check in text once a day or night shouldn’t be a big issue. He agreed to communicate once a day but then reneged on that and didn’t text for 3 days. That’s a huge no no.

    He’s not always at his phone??? Hasn’t he a mobile phone like everyone else, wouldn’t he have it with him rather than ‘be at it’? There’s no reason not to return ‘are you ok’ texts as quickly as possible.

    The I’m not calling/babysat thing is ridiculous. I would not move to the next town for someone who would say something like this never mind across country.

    Posting on SM but ignoring messages from you is game playing. He’s showing you he’s active on his phone/internet but just isn’t bothered contacting you. 

    This kind of behaviour doesn’t change. Please don’t uproot your life for someone like this.

    Post # 43
    Member
    233 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2019

    vanillamist :  No you are not overreacting. He said he would keep in touch with you at least once a day, and he didn’t. I would be a little upset as well. 

    With all of your updates it seems like your relationship is one way, you are putting so much into it and he is letting you do all the work. He want’s you to uproot your medical practice that you have had for 10 years to move to New York, but yet he works at Lowe’s where there is one or two in about every city in the US. It be so much easier if he transfered to the one near you. He seems very selfish bee, and all about what HE want’s. You can find so much better. You deserve so much better. 

    Post # 44
    Member
    539 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2018

    mimivac :  

    Not meaning to deter from OPs thread, but I wanted to respond to you. I do agree with you and understand what you are saying, but my therapist definitely didn’t encourage me to forecast my anxiety onto my husband when he should be enjoying this trip. Yes, my therapist used the words “communication plan” but it was directed towards me, and only me. As far as relaying “how to have my needs met” to my husband, an example she gave me was instead of saying “Check in with me at XYZ“ (basically demanding he meet my needs) phrase it more as a feeling so Darling Husband doesn’t feel like he HAS to meet my needs, like “I would love to see pictures and hear how your trip is going!” Darling Husband struggles to understand my anxiety (admittedly, its caused a lot of issues with our relationship. Hence therapy) so we’ve both been doing good about doing the “I feel” rather than the “I need you to do this for me” because, like you said it isn’t fair to put my anxiety needs onto my partner.  

    She only gave me suggestions for how to deal with my anxiety myself (like the point you were making). For example – “plan” that I will only touch base with Darling Husband at a certain time throughout the day/trip because I respect he is enjoying his vacation and love that he is. She didn’t tell me I had to say “DH, I need you to check in with me 3 times a day to make me feel better” and I wouldn’t do that anyways because I don’t want to take away from his trip. 

    The overall point I was making is because I know my husband cares about me and my feelings on his own (unlike OPs boyfriend it seems), I know he will be more than happy to send me pics, check in, etc because it makes me happy and he knows it relieves my anxiety which in essesence, shows he cares.

    I didn’t mean for that to be long, but I just wanted to clarify since my original comment came across as my therapist suggesting I tell my husband how to help me with my anxiety.

    Post # 45
    Member
    375 posts
    Helper bee

    If you’re doing long distance communication is key and both partners need to be willing to put the time and effort into it. He’s obviously not willing to do that. You say that you never have deep conversations which I personally see as a massive issue, especially after 2.5 years. 

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